A Contest! A Contest! It's Time for a Contest!

Sometimes in the midst of emotional turmoil, the best thing to do is focus on the facts:

Fact 1: I am bald.
Fact 2: I have a very cute wig.
Fact 3: That wig is very itchy.
Fact 4: I will not be able to wear the aforementioned wig for long stretches of time until the itch-ue (bahahaha) is resolved.
Fact 5: I will give a ten dollar gift card to a fast food joint to whoever can come up  with the best anti-itch wig solution.

Ready. Set. Go.

PS More details as to why I'm bald will come later. If I feel like it.

It's Okay to Grieve

The grieving process doesn't just apply to losing a loved one. Sometimes we have to mourn the loss of an experience.

Tonight I was encompassed by a wave of grief as I pondered the fact that I wasn't supposed to be home this Christmas. Yes of course there are endless perks to being home this time of year. Especially getting to see Baby Lucy. But that doesn't mean I have to deny my loss.

It's okay to mourn.
It's okay to grieve.

But once you're done, stand up and count your blessings.

Here was tonight's grieving process:

*Cry on mom's lap.
*Cry in solitude with Stanley my teddy bear.
*Say a sincere prayer through my tears.
*Call Jessica.
*Smile because I am so dang blessed.

And you know what?

I feel so much better.

You're Getting Better

Today was rough.
I don't know if it was just coming back to real life after 5 days of fun or what....
But I was depressed, unmotivated and unfocused.

Then in a serendipitous turn of events, I ended up at the home of two of my dear friends.

As I chatted with this person, I felt lifted. Just like I always do when I'm with her.

Believe me when I say that this woman is a survivor, and a pillar of strength. So when she told me that my experiences helped her, not only was my day made, I was reminded that there's a reason for everything and giving up is not an option.

I have come a long way. I'm able to see things now that were impossible to me just weeks ago.

"The lows aren't as low as they used to be, and highs are higher than ever before."

Everyone needs a mentor like mine.

Don't despair my friends, you're getting better.

One Step

I am currently working really hard on not doing something stupid. Ralph loves for me to call FTH, and not say anything. So I just listen to him say hello a few times.

This is so not healthy.

Which is why I'm endeavoring to distract myself.

Today has been crazy busy. On days such as these, I can generally hold it together.

Yeah...not so much today.

However, I'm not gonna use that as an excuse. Ralph tries to convince me that after a day like today, the only thing to do is self destruct.

He couldn't be more wrong. The only thing to do is keep moving forward.

One foot at a time.

Validation

The last few days have sucked. Don't get me wrong, my life is full of blessings, outwardly I have it made. Inwardly however, I'm a wasteland.

I've endeavoured to keep this blog somewhat religion neutral, in the interest of being relatable to all humans.

Having said that, today for the first time ever, mental illness was addressed in detail at an LDS general conference. And by one of the most candid, straight forward, intense leaders of the church.

I openly wept through the entire talk.

Some things that stood out:
° Elder Holland openly acknowledged the reality of mental illness and the effect it has.
° He validated my struggle by sharing his own.
° He encouraged those who are struggling to use ALL the resources Heavenly Father has given us.
° And best of all, Elder Holland reminded us that there is more to us than our struggles and that healing will come. Even if it's not in this life, we will be made whole.

So even though I feel certifiably crudtastic, I take comfort from the words of a faithful servant of the Lord.

Ordinary Miracles

When I was a munchkin in age and stature, I was in a singing group called Melody Makers. That year we sang a song with these words:

"You've gotta accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative and latch on to the affirmative, don't mess with Mr. In Beerrn."

They fried themselves into my brain and come back to haunt me when I'm in danger of having tunnel vision regarding all the crud I get to deal with.

So tonight, when I feel like I have a gazillions things to whine and worry about....we'll reminisce about good stuff.

A few weeks ago I had a little fling. First one in over six months. Though it only lasted a few days, I learned a lot. Two of which are:

•How important it is to protect yourself. Have some sort of guard up so that when broken heart time comes around, you at least have something left to work with.

•There are still some gentlemen on this earth. Guys who-when you have a panic attack whilst on a date with them-will rub your back to help you calm down, let you get yourself together and then make you laugh so it can be put behind you.

My last week on the mission can accurately be described as the hardest week of my entire life. Wednesday was especially disastrous. I returned home that day to find flowers on my doorstep. I cannot adequately express the hope that those beautiful flowers gave me. They gave me the strength I needed to make the hardest decision of my life and then to follow through with it. People who have charity can help provide miracles in the lives of others.

Two weeks ago when I got taken off my meds, I was a wreck. All day I just wanted to cry, desperate for a release. But the tears never came. That evening, the moment I walked into the home of two of my most favorite humans, I burst into tears that would put most babies to shame. My brain knew that I was in a safe zone. A place where I was loved and could be taken care of.

On my first evening back in AZ, back in May, I attended a ward party that was positively CRAWLING with missionaries. I'm talkin like 4 or 5 sets. I couldn't take it anymore and proceeded to walk home in tears. As I turn onto my street, a friend of mine just happened to be driving by, seemingly late for a family party. My enthusiasm at seeing her, completely absolved my need for tears. 

There are oh so many more stops we could make on a tour down Memory Lane, but I best be headed off to bed so as to be somewhat coherent mañana.

Don't forget to accentuate the positive.

You deserve it.

It's Our Choice

So the other day I was talking to myself.

More like bossing myself around.

"Use the restroom. Then you're going to the gym." "But I don't want to." "I don't care,it's what you're doing."

So I'm looking in the mirror as I have this conversation and for some reason, I found it absolutely hysterical. The photo below is just one of the many that I took to capture the lunacy/awesomeness of the moment.

The point? 

Well, we've already established that we all have issues. I'd go as far to say that "We all have our own brand of crazy."

We also have a choice as to how we'll react to our specialness. We can ridicule and belittle ourselves, or we can laugh.

It's our choice.

Humans Say the Darndest Things

•"You're not as skinny as I thought you'd be.

•"Does your new medicine make you hyper?"

•"We need to work on this ego thing of yours."

•"You need to lose weight."

•"Whatever it is that you have, I bet you can't spell or pronounce it."

•"You lost sight of yourself when you were six years old."

•"You need to get on medication."

•"Your face is big enough to land a plane on."

•"Your walk makes you look like a guy."

Sometimes....

I get so confused and lost that I just sit in a cubicle at work and ball my eyes out. 

I let the things a six year old says get to me.

I get so angry that I hit my tablet till it does what I want.

I am so easily frustrated that I just walk away from seemingly innocent situations.

I feel like I don't have a place in anyone else's life.

I come to unpleasant conclusions that then consume my mind and give me constant anxiety and worry.

I let my addictions control me.

I decide that it's time to escape into a book or tv show, and I do.

I start to beat myself up, then I take a quick inventory and realize...all things considered, I'm doing pretty dang good.

Self Esteem: A Dead Horse

So you go along thinking: I like myself. I'm happy with me. That whole self esteem thing, not one of the many issues I'm dealing with. Holla.

Then, one of your most trusted advisors gives you a speech about how your self esteem sucks, you don't see yourself clearly yadda yadda. 

So you spend the next few days trying to figure out how you really feel about you.

THEN you realize that the reason you sometimes overcompensate and are an insufferable diva is because you're so freakin insecure about the rest of you that    you use the one thing you're sure about to protect and cover up your insecurities.

Sucks to suck.

Tonight I was at the Distinguished Young Women pageant. Basically I was beat over the head by accomplished beautiful humans. So naturally, I started thinking: 

"I don't have a huge list of accomplishments, I tend to not finish what I started, I've never 'lived up to my potential.'"

But then Rain spoke up:

"That may be true, however, think about what you do have:

•A nephew who lights up whenever you enter the room.

•A nursery buddy who only stops crying if he's in your arms.

•A bishop who trusts and relies on you.

•The knowledge that your ability to talk about your issues, is helping other people with theirs.

Yes, self esteem comes from within, not without. However, being loved and needed, means more to me than being accomplished.

It's a place to start.

My Glue

So once upon a time, my meds sucked.

So I was taken off them.

And now I'm a wreck.

It's super.

Things That Are Currently Holding Me Together

•Humor, specifically from B, my favorite work buddy. Seriously. I walked into the office this morning barely holding it together and left with a huge smile upon my face.

•Physical movement. Couldn't stay at the gym very long. Just couldn't take it. But then I took the car home and walked and walked. Then jogged home. Cleared my head quite satisfactorily.

•Prayer. I don't care what it is that you believe in: God, Allah, Bhudda, The Great Spirit, whatever it is. The knowledge that there is something bigger than yourself who is in control is an inexpressible comfort. Reach out to something in your time of need, you will be taken care of. Not necessarily right in that moment, but you will never be left alone. All things will work out for your good, just keep on trucking.

•Food. The good stuff. Lots and lots of it.

I believe in miracles. 

If they didn't happen, I wouldn't be here still, and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now despite my trials.

Figure out what will hold you together and keep on moving.

An Ode: I Do

Do you have a place you can go where your mind feels safe and you can breakdown, be understood and built up?

I do.

Do you have a friend who hears you hyperventilating on the toilet and walks into the bathroom to check on you, regardless of the fact that your drawers are dropped?

I do.

Do you have a long list of people you can call in the middle of the night to talk you out of hurting yourself?

I do.

Do you have a bosom friend who knows what you need better than you do?

I do.

Do you have a cousin who discovered that making you laugh stops your panic attacks?

I do.

Do you have people who love you enough to forgive your monster-ness?

I do.

Do you have a family, immediate and extended, that rallies around you in messy moments?

I do.

Do you have a ton of faces to call to your memory when your Ralph says "What's the point?"

I do.

Do you have a ward family that envelopes you in faith and love?

I do.

Do you have so many people that you're grateful for that you can't even fit them all in one blogpost? 

I do.

Said No One Ever

•Getting my heart broken has helped my mental illness so much!

•I hope that I get stood up by my amazing therapist today.

•I love it when I hurt so bad that it makes sense to bang my head against the floor until I go unconscious.

•I wish that my depression would last longer.

•I'm so glad that I started hyperventilating on that date!

Sarcasm. One of my favorite medications.

W-A-T ? ? ?

So you finally get on some good meds. You're feelin super. 

There's a light at the end of this freaking tunnel.

Then you have a week like this.

Filled with more panic attacks than you've had in a month and debilitating anxiety and depression.

Awesome.

Seriously though...it blows my mind how quickly one's mental health can take a turn for the worse.

One second you're thinking "I'm gonna be out of this pretty soon." And the next you're thinking "Hmmm, I'm standing on the edge of this stage...if I lean over just a bit I can crash to the ground in blissful unconciousness.

WHAT THE HECK??!??

 

But guess what...

IT'S ALL GOOD!

There is so much good, even if inwardly, I feel like I'm wandering through the Sahara Desert, there are wonderful humans all around me pouring cold, delicious water into my mouth.

May blessings be upon all of those people forever and ever.

Amen.

  

PS I just thought of something else perky.

Tonight as I was driving around feeling disgruntled, Ralph was trying to give me suggestions:

"You should go sit in front of FTH's house."

"Ralph that doesn't sound the least bit appealing."

PEOPLE!!!! Do you realize what a huge deal that thought is?!!? 

GARGANTUAN!!!!!!!

It's moments like that, that make me realize how far I've come and that even though it feels like I've stepped back...I'm also flying 1,000 feet forward.

Dangerous Things

•Indecision

•Loss of hope

•Weakness-not its existence necessarily, but giving it free reign over one's life.

•Negativity

•Recklessness

•Stupidity

•Anger

•Grudge holding

•Self-deprecation

•Ignoring your own needs

Things That Counter Those Dangers:

•Positivity

•Hope

•Faith

•Love

•Trust

•Friendship

•Discipline

•Forgiveness

•Honesty

•Perseverance

How do you shift between the two lists?

You find a reason, "a girl worth fighting for" as it were. 

I have a lot of reasons to keep fighting:

•I deserve it.

•The people who love me deserve it.

•There are humans that I don't even know yet who need me.

So when the going gets tough and you're about to self-destruct, dig down deep, remember your reasons, get off your toucus and go to work. 

That Awkward Moment When....

You forget your feet are clipped into the bike and you crash into the ground, messing up your back and tailbone.

You buy nasty Hot Cheetos because they're comfort food.

You trip over a neighbor's walkway, they see you biff it through the window and find you laying on the ground in pain with your skirt up.

You lather yourself with oils to survive two hours of dancing and realize you've cause your boss to have an allergic reaction.

You start hyperventilating for no apparent reason. 

Messy rooms give you anxiety, but you don't have the strength or motivation to clean your bedroom.

Your back hurts so bad that you can't sleep.

You have a triathlon in 5 days.

The high setting on the heatig pad is too hot, but the medium setting is weak sauce.

You get on your blog and complain...

Ratalie's Ramblings

I feel like posting. Don't have much to say though. So I'm gonna play the thought game, maybe it'll help you understand my brain better. Maybe not. So I'll start with a random topic and follow the thought thread for awhile, seeing where I end up.

Poop

Pooping on a bus in China

Nasty Chinese food

Panda Express with Brina

Brina has a cute black car

Batman

Christian Bale is so great in Pocahotnad and Little Women

That's one of the best books ever

I love that Belle reads, she's great

I want a boy to give me a huge library

I'd be happy living in a library

Whenever I try to type living it comes out loving

Love is overrated

I love the spelling of overrated. The double rr's make me happy.

I wish Walmart still used that creepy smiley face in their commercials.

Mr. Ide was so stoked when a law was passed about commercial volume.

Studio C has too many commercial.

I would totes date Steven or James from that show.

Steven and I are Facebook friends even though he's on a mission.

He's all authorized and stuff

I have a lot of stuff

So much crap

Poop

Would ya look at that??? Started with poop and ended with poop! That never happens.

Hawt dawg.

Nighty night humans.

Too Blessed to Be Stressed

So one time I was at a gathering. I started to feel sick, panicky and cruddy . So I left. I got outside and promptly fell to the ground hyperventilating and trying to hold on to reality. After about a minute I realized that driving home probably wasn't a great idea. So I went back inside and laid on the bean bag. A1 and A2 were by the bean bag so I quietly told them why I couldn't go home. They seemed glad that I made that call.

Then those sweaty friends of mine just rubbed my back as I calmed down. Even when I'd start shaking, they just patted emphatically until I pulled through.

As I stood up to leave, A1 asked "Is if safe?"

So now, even though I'm lying in my bathtub feeling miserable and sick as a dog, I have something to smile about.

I am so blessed.

Challenge Accepted

This morning I woke up to a comment from my Aunt Pooh challenging myself and all my humans (that means you) to make a list of the things I love about myself. (Or yourself, though if you want to make a list of why you love me too that's totes approps!!)

So here goes....

Things That Natalie Rose Loves About Natalie Rose

•I love humans. A lot. And I enjoy showing that love.

•Listening to others is fun for me.

•The fact that I'm not tone deaf is an insurmountable blessing today.

•Today someone asked me how long I've been singing and my mom said "When she was two, she could sing 'I Am A Child of God'" Yeah that makes a girl feel good.

•My ability to make ugly/creepy faces.

•The fact that I'm very open and confident about...lots of things.

•Mah hurr. Ees lyke chocolate!!!

•The fact that I was somewhat good at my new job today! That was nice!

•Creativity and ability to have fun.

•My faith and testimony.

Lets be real, this list could go on FOREVERS...so I'll stop here.

Do this. Do it now. You deserve it.

Quirks + Validation = Ahh Yaaaa!

So I'm laying here with my buddy Noah the Moon Bear. (Srsly, coolest guy ever, but I digress.) And I decide to write a blog, I start to get the creative juices flowing when....ALAKAZAM! A song came on my Spotify that totes inspired me.  I can't figure out how to go back but I think it was called "I'm Me" by Willow someone or other. 

Anywho, the whole song was a message to the world about being happy with yourself and accepting others for who they are.

These sound like redundant, simple concepts right?

WRONG!!!!

It's an issue broham!!!! Why do you think we have so many problems in this world??? Cause people are unhappy with themselves! So they do cray cray loco things!!!

Therefore, in the spirit of feeling awesome about  who I am....it's time for a list!

Things That Make Me...Me!

•I have voices in my head! (Ie. Ralph, Rosie and Rain)

•I love to name things! (Inanimate objects.)

•All my body parts have boy names.

•I believe in true love. Though sometimes I get bitter and act like I don't. And that's okay.

•I make my bed at night, right before I get into it.

•Sometimes my hair looks like milk chocolate and I have an innate desire to eat it.

•I just looked up the word innate to insure that I used it correctly.

•I love reading Wikipedia. If I know I'll never see a movie or read a book (cause I can tell it's naughty) I just read the entire synopsis on the aforementioned site.

•Using words like aforementioned and innate, make me feel smart and stuff. (It's great fun to pretend that I'm an intellectual.)

•I find bodily functions to be HYSTERICAL, therefore I am very open about such things.

•I have the bladder of a small child. (See previous item) I ALWAYS have to pee!

By golly that was amusing! Don't be afraid to love and accept yourself, quirks and all!!! Make a list, laugh at and admire yourself!

It's a good time.

I <3 Rain

Today I discovered a new friend to add to the party. We have Ralph and Rosie, now I'm thrilled to introduce you to....

RAIN!

Let me explain how we met. Today Miss Cathy had me stand on one side of her rug and say aloud something tht Ralph would say. Then I went to the other end of the rug and would say something true. 

I didn't recognize the good voice at first, but she had plenty to say. She's really really smart. 

I realized that if I really wanted to get to know her, I ought to give her a name. 

The answer came quite quickly. I've always been obsessed with and wished that my name was Rain. I aspire to embody the confidence and understanding that this voice has...so it was a no brainer.

I highly recommend this exercise. You may feel a little silky at first, but it's extemely helpful and entertaining!

Example:

On the Ralph side I said-

"You feel like crud right now. This is how it's always gonna be. Really, you should just curl up and sleep all day. Your life sucks and it always will."

Then Rain gets to have her say-

"This too shall pass. Just because you hurt for a minute or hour or day does not mean that it's over!! You will move past this and keep on trucking, just like you always have."

Isn't she so wise???

I <heart> Rain!

So How Can I Fail?

So we all have that friend who we can tell is in a horribly unhealthy relationship. We berate that person in what we think is a loving manner "Why don't you just walk away from him/her?!? They treat you horribly!!!!"

We all do this. Myself included.

It wasn't until I found myself in an abusive relationship that I understood how hurtful this can be.

I knew that all these comments were true and said out of love and concern, but that didn't mean I could act on them.

Let me rephrase that, I still had a choice. 

However, because of the way I was treated and brainwashed, it was very difficult to act on these well meaning comments.

It's been months since I've been with FTH and I can openly acknowledge that he treated me horribly, was a huge contributing factor to my sickness and is not good for me. But I'll let you in on a secret:

I still miss him.

Am I a masochist?

It's possible.

But there's more to it than that. It's been proven that humans who are abused can form an emotional attachment to their abuser. So even though, intellectually I know that contacting FTH would be bad news bears, sometimes I still want to.

Does that make me a crazy cuckoo clock who needs to be lectured about her self worth?

Not necessarily, I do, however, have to be very careful and set up careful defenses to keep myself safe. And I do that. Plus, I have the most powerful being  in the universe on my side. 

So how can I fail?

Don't Be Afraid to Admit You're Brave

Today at primary activity day I attended a class with my girls called "Mirror Mirror." The object was for the girls to recognize their inner and outer beauty. 

During the last few minutes of the class , all the girls lined up and took turns standing in front of the table of mirrors. 

The girl in front of the mirrors would say something on the outside that made her beautiful and then something on the inside.

As this was going down, I felt very strongly that I needed to get in that line and do the exercise. So I did.

I looked in those mirrors and commented  about my hair. Then for my inner quality I said, "I am brave."

I was a little shocked about that. Ralph started to get sassy:

"You're not brave! We both know that! For twenty years you've been quitting things, running away from your problems and behaving like the silly, weak girl that you are. You are not brave.

Guess what y'all?

Ralph is a BIG FAT LIAR!!!!!

Dealing with a panic disorder is not an easy feat. To be frank, it is downright terrifying! But I haven't quit. I've looked fear, doubt, discouragement, anxiety, panic, depression and so many other things, square in the face. I fight and I conquer. Every single day is a battle.

But if I've learned anything on this journey, it's  this: 

I'm worth fighting for.

Funny enough, it was a battle today to be openly honest and kind to myself. Whenever I give myself compliments, it's about "soft things." (i.e. being kind, offering service etc) 

So when I consciously decided today to acknowledge my bravery, I got a little bit stronger.

You are brave. You are facing your challenges. Don't be afraid of acknowledging your strength and courage. 

Say it aloud.

Believe it.

Embrace it.

Live it.

No One Ever

Those times when you lay down to sleep, and you get so anxious and panicky that you feel like you're gonna explode. I love those times. 

Said no one ever.

So in an effort to distract myself (that's what Miss Kathy did for an hour today, asked me questions to distract me,) I'm going to make a list.

Good Things That Are Happening:

•I ran five miles nonstop last week. (The longest I've ever ran previously was like two.)

•During rehearsals for the show I'm in, everyone and their dog acts like the director. It makes me nuts. Well an email just went out to the entire cast reminding everyone who the director is. PRAISE BE!

•I started assisting Miss Jenee with her music classes this week. I get paid to sing!!!! #bestjobever

•Juan Pablo is living and breathing. Any human woman with eyes knows what a happy happening this is.

•I'm all hip and such with my brand spankin new twitter account.

•I'm wearing my soft new nightgown!

•Mom's birthday is this weekend, and thanks to Jenee, I can buy her a present!

 

Alright. Sleep attempt: round 2, go!

The Most Depressing Post Ever

(So I'm über lovin the ironic juxtaposition of the title and photo.)

So sometimes the way to deal with crud is just to add more crud. Like in Divergent, to get past her fears, she has to make it worse, then it disappears. So lets try that tactic with my sadness, shall we?

Some Really Sad Stuff That's Happened

(In no particular order)

{THIS IS NOT MEANT TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL SORRY FOR ME. IT'S THERAPY!}

•On my nineteenth birthday I waited all day to hear from FTH (my boyfriend at the time). Not a word, text or anything, all day. Finally, my BFF, (taking pity on me) sends a text to remind him that it's my birthday, therefore he should...uh talk to me. So he finally does, and the events that followed were what caused my flashback a year later and triggered my panic disorder. Awesome.

•My first kiss was given to me by a boy who I thought liked me, but was actually kissing me to win a $30 bet.

•Getting on the plane from Boston to Pheonix. Well, the whole day actually. It was the single hardest thing I've ever had  to do.

•I can hardly remember anything from my first few weeks home. The meds completely jacked my memory.

•I washed a car today. Scrubbed with all my might, twice, and it still wasn't clean.

•The girl working the desk at the gym today wasn't nearly as friendly as the ones I usually see.

•One time, this human said they were gonna do something, then they didn't.

And last but not least....

•I'm really comfy on this bed of mine, but now I need to release the waters really bad. That means I have to move.

Huh. Strangely enough, I feel better now. Writing is so therapeutic!

The Rudolf Analogy

Do you ever feel like this?

Like there's something goin on with you that makes you stick out like a sore thumb?

Because of your issue(s), you assume that you don't "fit in" anymore.

You are different.

And no matter what people try to tell you, you are convinced that you don't fit in.

I feel like that sometimes.

But more often than not, this is how I feel:

That huge schnozz is a representation of the character trait/gift/flaw that I use to define who I am.

Then I discover that the schnozz is hindering me. Getting in the way. Not allowing me to be truly happy, making my life harder.

So I need to take it off.

Terrifying.

Who will I be without it!?

Is it really that big a deal?

Can't I get better still, just work around it?

No?

Awk.

Change is scary, but it is also how we become like Heavenly Father.

Change is the Lord's Way, so shall it be mine.

Good Stuff

Once upon a time, (yesterday) I did something really stupid.

Afterwards I laid in bed thinking "I can't believe I did that, I'm such a failure." Almost immediately, I realized that the aforementioned statement was fraught with cognitive distortions. 

PAUSE: Quick lesson, just in case you don't know what those are!

Cognitive distortions are faulty thought patterns. Once I learned about these, I realized that I can't always trust my thoughts because I'm thinking in a way that IS NOT TRUE. 

A few examples: (these are taken from a website, which I would love to link to but can't figure out how to from the iPhone.)

All-or-Nothing Thinking: Susan applied to a PhD program in Clinical Psychology. She was invited for an interview and did a pretty good job at it. It turned out they offered the slot to another good student. Susan wanted to get into that program very much and now feels that she will never have the same opportunity again. She feels like a total failure.

Jumping to Conclusions: Charles is waiting for his date at a restaurant. She's now 20 minutes late. Charles laments to himself that he must have done something wrong and now she has stood him up. Meanwhile across town, his date is stuck in traffic.

Overgeneralization: Linda is very lonely and often spends most of her time at home. People sometimes suggest that she should get out and meet people. Linda feels that that is it useless to try to meet people. She believes that no one really could like her.

Mental Filter: Dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation and neglecting the positive ones. Kate's husband clearly enjoys the birthday party she threw in his honor, but comments that the food was a bit salty. Kate filters out all his positive comments and criticizes herself for being a lousy cook.

Okay so the trick to cognitive distortions is not getting ticked off that your thinking patterns are faulty sometimes. The trick is to recognize, identify and modify.

So my thought was:

"I made a mistake, therefore I am such a failure."

1. Recognize: Natalie, that's not true. 

2. Identify: This is a classic example of "all or nothing thinking" "labeling and mislabeling" and "overgeneralization."

3. Modify: What do I need to change to make this a true thought?

"I made a mistake, but in no way, shape or form does that make me a failure."

Upon completion of this exercise, I was able to:

A. Fall asleep

B. Wake up without the desire to beat myself up.

C. Recommit to abolishing that behavior in my life.

D. Proudly report to Miss Kathy that I was finally applying what she's been trying to teach me for three months.

And that...is good stuff.

The Big Questions

Today my sister and I were talking and she asked the BIG questions:

"Natalie, what are we gonna do about you? What's your goal? What are you gonna do with your life?"

Let's be real, the only person who knows the answer to those questions is my Heavenly Father. 

And I'm okay with that. For now at least. I know that when I'm ready to listen and obey, He'll be ready to tell.

For now, I know the answers to the little questions:

What am I going to do tomorrow?

What about next week?

Who is it that I'm supposed to be impressing right now? (No one but myself and Heavenly Father.)

Who can I really trust?

What are some blessings that are coming from this?

•Improved relationships with my family.

•A greater respect for human beings in general.

•Renewed faith in myself.

•Deeper love for my Savior and a more sound understanding of the Atonement.

•The ability to relate to and serve other humans in a way that I never would have been able to otherwise.

Speaking of which, I had the amazing oppurtunity last night to talk someone I love through their first panic/anxiety attack. Moments like that, where I'm able to be filled with Christ like love, give me the little answers I need to keep moving forward.

And I will continue onward, trusting, without worrying about the big questions.

Dirty Hands and a Broken Heart

Today was a day of breakthroughs!!!!
Miss Kathy and I discovered one of the MAJOR triggers to my panic attacks.
Heartache. Pain.
When I start to hurt, I begin to panic so that I don't have to feel the hurt.
So the key is to wait out the pain.
Easier said than done.

Imagery is good stuff. It has some thing to do with something being triggered in your brain...I don't remember but suffice it to say, imagery is good news!
So Miss Kathy and I came up with some.

When I start to hurt I can visualize a bunch of hands on my heart.
Gross, warty, dirty, vindictive hands.
One is squeezing my heart, another is tearing it apart, and another is making holes in it.
Bad, dirty hands, HATE the light. SO....
I picture my heart lighting up, filling with warmth, it becomes bright yellow so that the hands have to drop it.

I can't put into words what a relief it was to figure out the madness. And now I have a defense. It doesn't mean I'm done panicking, but it means that there is hope.

And hope is very good news.

Crisis Averted

So once upon a time, Miss Kathy gave me the phone number to a 24 hour crisis line, just in case. Supposedly there would always be someone to talk to. 

Last night, or should I say this morning, I was in the middle of a Natalie Crisis. I got up and called the number. No answer. I try again. A girl answers. "Is this the crisis line?" "No." "Sorry, wrong number."

Crisis NOT averted. 

Time to call my one of my personal crisis lines. In hindsight I realize that I have a list miles of long of people I could call. But in the moment, only one name came to mind that made sense. So I called my Hoven.

2:45 am? No sweat. First she reminded me that the things Ralph wanted to make me do were not good ideas and had me list things I'm grateful for. Then she made me breathe while I panicked. Finally, a beautiful distraction in the form of stories from her love life was brought to pass. 

I fell asleep soon after hanging up with Hoven and was awoken this morning by Mary rubbing my back. Not a bad gig eh?

We had just been talking about good friends that night during family home evening, thank goodness I have plenty of those!

You Know Your Psychiatrist is Awesome When...

You know your psychiatrist is awesome when you enter her office feeling like your world is falling apart and leave thinking "Dude I've got this!"

5 Reasons Dr. Mansoor is Awesome

1. She's more than willing to collaborate with my therapist. In fact, she and Miss Kathy are meeting this week because they have several patients in common besides me! Great times.

2. She's open and honest: "Are you ADD? I don't like you. Oh no! I like you, but not how things are for you right now! How are you functioning with all this anxiety??"

3. She helps me realize that some things are truly out of my control. "Don't blame yourself! Blame the medication that's not working!

4. She fluffs my ego, especially about things I didn't think I was good at it. "You have amazing will power! All this anxiety and you continue to function!"

5. Though she's not a member, she takes all my Mormonness in stride. In fact she encourages it: "You need to be a good Mormom forever!" Honestly, I really like that I can't sit through an appointment with her without talking about my faith. Having it be so engrained into who I am makes me extremely happy.

Thank goodness for people who are smarter than me!

That Moment When.....

Have you ever had that moment where you can't figure out if you're feeling cruddy because of your "issue" or if it just comes natural? No? Awkward....moving on. May I be frank?

I HATE THAT MOMENT!!!!!

I'm having it right now, have been all day actually. Not a fan, in the slightest.

I would love to believe that the reason that all the following things that are plauging me can be traced back to my panic disorder, but I'm 99% sure that they can't:

•Having the impulse to take up drinking. (No it's not something I will ever act on, calm down!) 

•Being irritated with everyone and their dog.

•Having zero desire to do the things that I KNOW will make me happy.

•Wanting to throw up whenever missions or missionaries are brought up.

•Wanting to run away and never look back.

•Feeling like I'm constantly being attacked by the people who love me the most.

•Assume that everyone hates me and I'm going to be lonely and unhappy forever.

Wow. Finally *verbalizing* those things actually makes me feel a little better, hot dawg!

 

Feel free to make your own list, it just might bring a little relief.

Side Note: Have you ever had that moment when you wish you could reach your hand into your chest and rip your heart out? No? Well...I do. On a daily basis almost. I just get tired of hurting, I would love nothing more than to just be numb. 

I realize that this has been extremely negative, pessimistic, etc. Sue me. It's my blog, I can say what I want. It's therapy for me, therapy that WORKS. So if you don't like it, don't read it. FFTJS. (Feel free to judge silently.)

Do you like how I prematurely got overly defensive? Yeah that should've been on the list as well. 

Now I will bid you adieu.

Why I'm Happy

So a lot of the time, I feel like myself. I start to feel whole again. Life is good, fancy free, no worries. Then out of nowhere...I'll be driving home, stopped at a red light. And I can't breathe, I feel like I'm falling apart. What the ???

So I'm headed up to girls camp this week to slave away in the kitchen. So stoked! I also got asked to speak for a few minutes at a workshop. Guess what my topic is? Staying faithful while in the midst of trials. Hah. Yeah I got a good chuckle out of that too.

So you'd think that I'd be used to "the questions." And I am, for the most part, but once in awhile Rosie will get a little weepy when kind, well meaning people ask. 

I just started a new book today called The Anatomy of Peace. There's a lot to it, but so far the big theme is "Seeing people as people, not as objects." So when someone encourages me to get back on my mission, I can see them as the kind, encouraging human that they are. Rather than a jerk face object whose trying to tell me how to live my life.

I know that this post has been skadawompus, but that's kind of how life is eh?

Let's not be afraid of life's imperfections shall we? I'm choosing to embrace them, make the most of every moment I'm given and do whatever Heavenly Father asks.

And that's why I'm happy. 

Find Your Angel

Once upon a time (tonight), I came home from babysitting, knowing that I had a lot to do so I can skip town tomorrow. I was already hanging from a thread because I'd forgotten to take my meds.

So I walk into my house. It's deserted, and a disaster. And I lose it. I cry louder and harder than any baby or toddler I've ever heard in my life. Just walking through my house trying to release the anguish and angst I'm feeling. 

Then I start praying, Heavenly Father, please send me an angel! I need help! So I get the feeling to go outside. Maybe someone will miraculously be standing there...no such luck. But then the thought occurs to me, "go to the neighbors and get a blessing." 

I knock on their door and am immediately ushered into the house. The father then wraps his arms around me while I cry myself out. His sweet wife brings me tissues, and we chat until I'm somewhat coherent again. Then this dear man, a former bishop in my church, proceeds to give me the most beautiful blessing. Filled with words of comfort and encouragement to rely on my Savior. 

I head home, and the waterworks begin again, but I have no time to feel sorry for myself. I walk through my house, getting things done and speaking aloud "You can do this. You can do hard things. Jut keep putting one foot in front of the other." Then I'd argue with myself:

Strong voice: you need to clean the house now.

Tearful voice: no, I can't!

Strong voice: yes you can! You can do hard things! 

Then I Realize how ridiculous I sound, so I look in the mirror and begin laughing through my tears at the complete lunacy. That's what the above picture is portraying.

Just in case you were wondering, I did get my act together and accomplished a lot. 

Moral of the story: sometimes we have to go looking for our own angels, then when we've received their help, we have to force ourselves to do hard things. 

Because we can.

Roadblocks

So I spend a lot of time thinking about this blog, arguing with myself mostly about what to post. For example: should I blog after a really hard yet unremarkable day? Will it do any good to describe all the cruddy feelings I had today? 

Well I need to pedal this bike for another ten minutes anyways... Consider yourself warned. Today was not a "fist bump yeah yeah yeah" day.

I woke up, really late. Feeling dazed. Not ready to function, but not tired anymore. Couple that with the bad dream I had (about mean sister missionaries) and I was a real ray of sunshine.

I was pretty sure I had therapy today, couldn't remember the time though, so I ended up being there an hour early. Plent y of time to lay on the couch and be cranky.

Finally I go into Miss Kathy's office and proceed to vent. A lot. She keeps telling me that the reason I panic and get anxious is because my brain is trying distract me from it's real problem. And we don't know what that is. "The mind hates unanswered questions." Super. So I'm being tortured because I can't figure out the answer to an illusive question? Super. NO ANSWER CAN COME UNTIL THERE'S A QUESTION!!!!!!!!! (Yes I just screamed that internally.) Anyway, I'm just a wee bit frustrated.

So I did a lot of crying at therapy today, that helped. Miss Kathy seemed different today. She thinks some adjustments to my meds should be made. Also, I get to go to the doctor tomorrow because she thinks my hormones are out of whack. (I've always known that though.) So she and my therapist Dr. M are gonna pow wow about me. That ought to be an interesting conversation. I'm kind of excited to hear about it.

So the moral of today's story is this: even though you're doing all that you can and you know you're making improvement, you're still going to have hard days, and that's okay!

Meet Ralph

Once upon a time, (a few weeks ago) I read a book that changed my life. Life Without Ed tells the story of a woman, Jenni, who overcame her eating disorder through the help of a therapist who had a revolutionary (for her) approach. She learned to think of her disorder as a separate being from herself. His name is ED (as in eating disorder.) Jenni figured out that she was in an unhealthy marriage with Ed and it was high time for a divorce. The book describes her experiences and tools she used to come out on top. 

The first step was to identify who was talking: Jenni or Ed. When it was Ed, she had to disobey and eventually disagree with him. 

As I read this amazing account, it occurred to me, "this could work for you!!" No, I don't have an eating disorder, but you better believe that I have a voice inside my head that is forever endeavoring to convince me to self-destruct. That's not me. Natalie Rose doesn't think it's a good idea to overdose on medication, or to bang her head against the floor until she goes unconscious, or even to contact FTH. But Ralph does. He works tirelessly to convince me that these negative behaviors will make me feel better. Every day I get a little better at saying NO. Our conversations have evolved and tend to go a little something like this:

Ralph: This mission farewell is pretty hard for you huh?

Nat: It really is.

Ralph: When you get home, you should take a couple pills.

Nat: I'm not supposed to take more meds until tonight.

Ralph: But if you take them now, you'll feel better.

Nat: I highly doubt that.

Ralph: Why would you doubt me?? I've gotten you this far haven't I? 

Nat: *reverent sarcastic snort* 

There's been one or two days since this discovery that I haven't had the strength to fight Ralph. But that in NO way, shape or form, means that I've failed. All it means is that I need to take better care of Rosie so that the two of us can be better prepared for Ralph's next attack. 

The moral of the story: we all need to evaluate the thoughts racing through our craniums, do they represent our feelings and beliefs? Or someone else's?

Meet Rosie

Miss Kathy (my therapist) has an analogy that really hits home with me. We were talking about relationships:

Me: Last week, you said that a boy can't make me happy. But what about all those women who gush "my husband makes me SO happy?"

MK: It's like this: you have to make the ice cream and he can bring the toppings.

Now I try to focus on making my ice cream.

Cause here's the thing: I like to be taken care of and spoiled. I have these dreams of my Prince Charming who always says and does exactly what I want and need. The reality, however, is that no such human exists. There is only one person on this earth who is equipped to take care of me the way I need, and her name is Natalie Rose.

But the giver in me, doesn't love this idea. I was raised to give service, be self sacrificing  and put others before myself. But the fact is, the better I feel, the better I can help others. So I have to trick myself sometimes.

Inside of me is a little girl who is very lost, alone, scared and in need of attention. To make it real for me, I gave the little girl a name: Rosie. So whenever I feel that ache in my chest, I talk to her, find out what she needs, and reassure her that all will be well.

So far it's working wonders, not only for my pain, but it also helps limit my attention seeking behavior, because I'm giving myself the attention that I so desperately need.

I urge all of you to get in touch with that little one inside of you. They'll let you know what they need. All you have to do is ask.

Filling the Jar

Currently feeling anxious an panicky. So what am I gonna do? Blog it out!

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own brain. It'd be nice to step out of it. Just for a moment or two. 

Everything makes me nervous. 

Sometimes I feel like a zombie because I don't talk or acknowledge other people, I'm afraid I'll bite their head off. That's another horrid side effect: I'm extremely irritible these days.

On a more positive note: I filled my jar tonight! Let me explain:

Joey (my therapist from the mission) gave me this analogy one day. She showed me a jar with Popsicle sticks in it. The jar is me. The sticks are the things that make me, me! I have to fill up my jar. And be okay with what's in it, even though its not all peaches and cream. The important thing for me to remember is that no matter what anyone else says or does, it's my jar. My self esteem. I get to choose what goes in and what goes out. 

I really needed to figure myself out today and this really helped! A few things that are written on the sticks in my jar:

I'd do anything for my family.

I adore music.

I love finding ways to release anger.

Pants are overrated.

These and many other things make me, me! So even though I feel anxious and panicky right now, my cup runneth over and my jar is full.