Have you ever had that moment where you can't figure out if you're feeling cruddy because of your "issue" or if it just comes natural? No? Awkward....moving on. May I be frank?I HATE THAT MOMENT!!!!!
I'm having it right now, have been all day actually. Not a fan, in the slightest.
I would love to believe that the reason that all the following things that are plauging me can be traced back to my panic disorder, but I'm 99% sure that they can't:
•Having the impulse to take up drinking. (No it's not something I will ever act on, calm down!)
•Being irritated with everyone and their dog.
•Having zero desire to do the things that I KNOW will make me happy.
•Wanting to throw up whenever missions or missionaries are brought up.
•Wanting to run away and never look back.
•Feeling like I'm constantly being attacked by the people who love me the most.
•Assume that everyone hates me and I'm going to be lonely and unhappy forever.
Wow. Finally *verbalizing* those things actually makes me feel a little better, hot dawg!
Feel free to make your own list, it just might bring a little relief.
Side Note: Have you ever had that moment when you wish you could reach your hand into your chest and rip your heart out? No? Well...I do. On a daily basis almost. I just get tired of hurting, I would love nothing more than to just be numb.
I realize that this has been extremely negative, pessimistic, etc. Sue me. It's my blog, I can say what I want. It's therapy for me, therapy that WORKS. So if you don't like it, don't read it. FFTJS. (Feel free to judge silently.)
Do you like how I prematurely got overly defensive? Yeah that should've been on the list as well.
Now I will bid you adieu.
Hey Nat Rat: it may be time for a punching bag... You write with so much realness, yeah I think on some level we have all had at least all of these same feelings. With you sweetheart, you are not alone. You are awesome for getting this out.
ReplyDeleteAunt Bozzo
Hi Sweetie:
ReplyDeleteYes I have had every single thought you have had, many time the same day. Emotional pain is the worst!!! There is no pain pill for it. Keep talking, keep writing, and take your meds are the only comfort I have found. Many days they don't. I just added Abilify to my Paxil and for the first time in years I feel human! The anxiety, racing thoughts, mood swings seem to be tamed for the moment.
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.
I totally know what you are referring to, when you talk about wishing you could just grab your heart and pull it out so that hopefully, maybe it will stop hurting. I've been there multiple times in the past year with the loss of our babies. I wish I could tell you that there is an awesome, fool-proof remedy for making that pain go away but there isn't. I can, however, tell you that that pain lessens over time as you try your hardest to find the good things in life. Seriously, make a goal to find one example of the Lord's hand in your life or something beautiful each day. Write it down. When your heart starts to hurt, go back and look at your list. You'll be amazing at just how much loveliness there really is around you, and when your heart feels like it can't take it anymore, rely on those things that YOU have found with your own two eyes. I wish you the best darling, and I pray for you always. Keep writing and trust that things will get better. I love you.
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