So How Can I Fail?

So we all have that friend who we can tell is in a horribly unhealthy relationship. We berate that person in what we think is a loving manner "Why don't you just walk away from him/her?!? They treat you horribly!!!!"

We all do this. Myself included.

It wasn't until I found myself in an abusive relationship that I understood how hurtful this can be.

I knew that all these comments were true and said out of love and concern, but that didn't mean I could act on them.

Let me rephrase that, I still had a choice. 

However, because of the way I was treated and brainwashed, it was very difficult to act on these well meaning comments.

It's been months since I've been with FTH and I can openly acknowledge that he treated me horribly, was a huge contributing factor to my sickness and is not good for me. But I'll let you in on a secret:

I still miss him.

Am I a masochist?

It's possible.

But there's more to it than that. It's been proven that humans who are abused can form an emotional attachment to their abuser. So even though, intellectually I know that contacting FTH would be bad news bears, sometimes I still want to.

Does that make me a crazy cuckoo clock who needs to be lectured about her self worth?

Not necessarily, I do, however, have to be very careful and set up careful defenses to keep myself safe. And I do that. Plus, I have the most powerful being  in the universe on my side. 

So how can I fail?