Dangerous Things

•Indecision

•Loss of hope

•Weakness-not its existence necessarily, but giving it free reign over one's life.

•Negativity

•Recklessness

•Stupidity

•Anger

•Grudge holding

•Self-deprecation

•Ignoring your own needs

Things That Counter Those Dangers:

•Positivity

•Hope

•Faith

•Love

•Trust

•Friendship

•Discipline

•Forgiveness

•Honesty

•Perseverance

How do you shift between the two lists?

You find a reason, "a girl worth fighting for" as it were. 

I have a lot of reasons to keep fighting:

•I deserve it.

•The people who love me deserve it.

•There are humans that I don't even know yet who need me.

So when the going gets tough and you're about to self-destruct, dig down deep, remember your reasons, get off your toucus and go to work. 

That Awkward Moment When....

You forget your feet are clipped into the bike and you crash into the ground, messing up your back and tailbone.

You buy nasty Hot Cheetos because they're comfort food.

You trip over a neighbor's walkway, they see you biff it through the window and find you laying on the ground in pain with your skirt up.

You lather yourself with oils to survive two hours of dancing and realize you've cause your boss to have an allergic reaction.

You start hyperventilating for no apparent reason. 

Messy rooms give you anxiety, but you don't have the strength or motivation to clean your bedroom.

Your back hurts so bad that you can't sleep.

You have a triathlon in 5 days.

The high setting on the heatig pad is too hot, but the medium setting is weak sauce.

You get on your blog and complain...

Ratalie's Ramblings

I feel like posting. Don't have much to say though. So I'm gonna play the thought game, maybe it'll help you understand my brain better. Maybe not. So I'll start with a random topic and follow the thought thread for awhile, seeing where I end up.

Poop

Pooping on a bus in China

Nasty Chinese food

Panda Express with Brina

Brina has a cute black car

Batman

Christian Bale is so great in Pocahotnad and Little Women

That's one of the best books ever

I love that Belle reads, she's great

I want a boy to give me a huge library

I'd be happy living in a library

Whenever I try to type living it comes out loving

Love is overrated

I love the spelling of overrated. The double rr's make me happy.

I wish Walmart still used that creepy smiley face in their commercials.

Mr. Ide was so stoked when a law was passed about commercial volume.

Studio C has too many commercial.

I would totes date Steven or James from that show.

Steven and I are Facebook friends even though he's on a mission.

He's all authorized and stuff

I have a lot of stuff

So much crap

Poop

Would ya look at that??? Started with poop and ended with poop! That never happens.

Hawt dawg.

Nighty night humans.

Too Blessed to Be Stressed

So one time I was at a gathering. I started to feel sick, panicky and cruddy . So I left. I got outside and promptly fell to the ground hyperventilating and trying to hold on to reality. After about a minute I realized that driving home probably wasn't a great idea. So I went back inside and laid on the bean bag. A1 and A2 were by the bean bag so I quietly told them why I couldn't go home. They seemed glad that I made that call.

Then those sweaty friends of mine just rubbed my back as I calmed down. Even when I'd start shaking, they just patted emphatically until I pulled through.

As I stood up to leave, A1 asked "Is if safe?"

So now, even though I'm lying in my bathtub feeling miserable and sick as a dog, I have something to smile about.

I am so blessed.

Challenge Accepted

This morning I woke up to a comment from my Aunt Pooh challenging myself and all my humans (that means you) to make a list of the things I love about myself. (Or yourself, though if you want to make a list of why you love me too that's totes approps!!)

So here goes....

Things That Natalie Rose Loves About Natalie Rose

•I love humans. A lot. And I enjoy showing that love.

•Listening to others is fun for me.

•The fact that I'm not tone deaf is an insurmountable blessing today.

•Today someone asked me how long I've been singing and my mom said "When she was two, she could sing 'I Am A Child of God'" Yeah that makes a girl feel good.

•My ability to make ugly/creepy faces.

•The fact that I'm very open and confident about...lots of things.

•Mah hurr. Ees lyke chocolate!!!

•The fact that I was somewhat good at my new job today! That was nice!

•Creativity and ability to have fun.

•My faith and testimony.

Lets be real, this list could go on FOREVERS...so I'll stop here.

Do this. Do it now. You deserve it.

Quirks + Validation = Ahh Yaaaa!

So I'm laying here with my buddy Noah the Moon Bear. (Srsly, coolest guy ever, but I digress.) And I decide to write a blog, I start to get the creative juices flowing when....ALAKAZAM! A song came on my Spotify that totes inspired me.  I can't figure out how to go back but I think it was called "I'm Me" by Willow someone or other. 

Anywho, the whole song was a message to the world about being happy with yourself and accepting others for who they are.

These sound like redundant, simple concepts right?

WRONG!!!!

It's an issue broham!!!! Why do you think we have so many problems in this world??? Cause people are unhappy with themselves! So they do cray cray loco things!!!

Therefore, in the spirit of feeling awesome about  who I am....it's time for a list!

Things That Make Me...Me!

•I have voices in my head! (Ie. Ralph, Rosie and Rain)

•I love to name things! (Inanimate objects.)

•All my body parts have boy names.

•I believe in true love. Though sometimes I get bitter and act like I don't. And that's okay.

•I make my bed at night, right before I get into it.

•Sometimes my hair looks like milk chocolate and I have an innate desire to eat it.

•I just looked up the word innate to insure that I used it correctly.

•I love reading Wikipedia. If I know I'll never see a movie or read a book (cause I can tell it's naughty) I just read the entire synopsis on the aforementioned site.

•Using words like aforementioned and innate, make me feel smart and stuff. (It's great fun to pretend that I'm an intellectual.)

•I find bodily functions to be HYSTERICAL, therefore I am very open about such things.

•I have the bladder of a small child. (See previous item) I ALWAYS have to pee!

By golly that was amusing! Don't be afraid to love and accept yourself, quirks and all!!! Make a list, laugh at and admire yourself!

It's a good time.

I <3 Rain

Today I discovered a new friend to add to the party. We have Ralph and Rosie, now I'm thrilled to introduce you to....

RAIN!

Let me explain how we met. Today Miss Cathy had me stand on one side of her rug and say aloud something tht Ralph would say. Then I went to the other end of the rug and would say something true. 

I didn't recognize the good voice at first, but she had plenty to say. She's really really smart. 

I realized that if I really wanted to get to know her, I ought to give her a name. 

The answer came quite quickly. I've always been obsessed with and wished that my name was Rain. I aspire to embody the confidence and understanding that this voice has...so it was a no brainer.

I highly recommend this exercise. You may feel a little silky at first, but it's extemely helpful and entertaining!

Example:

On the Ralph side I said-

"You feel like crud right now. This is how it's always gonna be. Really, you should just curl up and sleep all day. Your life sucks and it always will."

Then Rain gets to have her say-

"This too shall pass. Just because you hurt for a minute or hour or day does not mean that it's over!! You will move past this and keep on trucking, just like you always have."

Isn't she so wise???

I <heart> Rain!

So How Can I Fail?

So we all have that friend who we can tell is in a horribly unhealthy relationship. We berate that person in what we think is a loving manner "Why don't you just walk away from him/her?!? They treat you horribly!!!!"

We all do this. Myself included.

It wasn't until I found myself in an abusive relationship that I understood how hurtful this can be.

I knew that all these comments were true and said out of love and concern, but that didn't mean I could act on them.

Let me rephrase that, I still had a choice. 

However, because of the way I was treated and brainwashed, it was very difficult to act on these well meaning comments.

It's been months since I've been with FTH and I can openly acknowledge that he treated me horribly, was a huge contributing factor to my sickness and is not good for me. But I'll let you in on a secret:

I still miss him.

Am I a masochist?

It's possible.

But there's more to it than that. It's been proven that humans who are abused can form an emotional attachment to their abuser. So even though, intellectually I know that contacting FTH would be bad news bears, sometimes I still want to.

Does that make me a crazy cuckoo clock who needs to be lectured about her self worth?

Not necessarily, I do, however, have to be very careful and set up careful defenses to keep myself safe. And I do that. Plus, I have the most powerful being  in the universe on my side. 

So how can I fail?

Don't Be Afraid to Admit You're Brave

Today at primary activity day I attended a class with my girls called "Mirror Mirror." The object was for the girls to recognize their inner and outer beauty. 

During the last few minutes of the class , all the girls lined up and took turns standing in front of the table of mirrors. 

The girl in front of the mirrors would say something on the outside that made her beautiful and then something on the inside.

As this was going down, I felt very strongly that I needed to get in that line and do the exercise. So I did.

I looked in those mirrors and commented  about my hair. Then for my inner quality I said, "I am brave."

I was a little shocked about that. Ralph started to get sassy:

"You're not brave! We both know that! For twenty years you've been quitting things, running away from your problems and behaving like the silly, weak girl that you are. You are not brave.

Guess what y'all?

Ralph is a BIG FAT LIAR!!!!!

Dealing with a panic disorder is not an easy feat. To be frank, it is downright terrifying! But I haven't quit. I've looked fear, doubt, discouragement, anxiety, panic, depression and so many other things, square in the face. I fight and I conquer. Every single day is a battle.

But if I've learned anything on this journey, it's  this: 

I'm worth fighting for.

Funny enough, it was a battle today to be openly honest and kind to myself. Whenever I give myself compliments, it's about "soft things." (i.e. being kind, offering service etc) 

So when I consciously decided today to acknowledge my bravery, I got a little bit stronger.

You are brave. You are facing your challenges. Don't be afraid of acknowledging your strength and courage. 

Say it aloud.

Believe it.

Embrace it.

Live it.

No One Ever

Those times when you lay down to sleep, and you get so anxious and panicky that you feel like you're gonna explode. I love those times. 

Said no one ever.

So in an effort to distract myself (that's what Miss Kathy did for an hour today, asked me questions to distract me,) I'm going to make a list.

Good Things That Are Happening:

•I ran five miles nonstop last week. (The longest I've ever ran previously was like two.)

•During rehearsals for the show I'm in, everyone and their dog acts like the director. It makes me nuts. Well an email just went out to the entire cast reminding everyone who the director is. PRAISE BE!

•I started assisting Miss Jenee with her music classes this week. I get paid to sing!!!! #bestjobever

•Juan Pablo is living and breathing. Any human woman with eyes knows what a happy happening this is.

•I'm all hip and such with my brand spankin new twitter account.

•I'm wearing my soft new nightgown!

•Mom's birthday is this weekend, and thanks to Jenee, I can buy her a present!

 

Alright. Sleep attempt: round 2, go!

The Most Depressing Post Ever

(So I'm über lovin the ironic juxtaposition of the title and photo.)

So sometimes the way to deal with crud is just to add more crud. Like in Divergent, to get past her fears, she has to make it worse, then it disappears. So lets try that tactic with my sadness, shall we?

Some Really Sad Stuff That's Happened

(In no particular order)

{THIS IS NOT MEANT TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL SORRY FOR ME. IT'S THERAPY!}

•On my nineteenth birthday I waited all day to hear from FTH (my boyfriend at the time). Not a word, text or anything, all day. Finally, my BFF, (taking pity on me) sends a text to remind him that it's my birthday, therefore he should...uh talk to me. So he finally does, and the events that followed were what caused my flashback a year later and triggered my panic disorder. Awesome.

•My first kiss was given to me by a boy who I thought liked me, but was actually kissing me to win a $30 bet.

•Getting on the plane from Boston to Pheonix. Well, the whole day actually. It was the single hardest thing I've ever had  to do.

•I can hardly remember anything from my first few weeks home. The meds completely jacked my memory.

•I washed a car today. Scrubbed with all my might, twice, and it still wasn't clean.

•The girl working the desk at the gym today wasn't nearly as friendly as the ones I usually see.

•One time, this human said they were gonna do something, then they didn't.

And last but not least....

•I'm really comfy on this bed of mine, but now I need to release the waters really bad. That means I have to move.

Huh. Strangely enough, I feel better now. Writing is so therapeutic!

The Rudolf Analogy

Do you ever feel like this?

Like there's something goin on with you that makes you stick out like a sore thumb?

Because of your issue(s), you assume that you don't "fit in" anymore.

You are different.

And no matter what people try to tell you, you are convinced that you don't fit in.

I feel like that sometimes.

But more often than not, this is how I feel:

That huge schnozz is a representation of the character trait/gift/flaw that I use to define who I am.

Then I discover that the schnozz is hindering me. Getting in the way. Not allowing me to be truly happy, making my life harder.

So I need to take it off.

Terrifying.

Who will I be without it!?

Is it really that big a deal?

Can't I get better still, just work around it?

No?

Awk.

Change is scary, but it is also how we become like Heavenly Father.

Change is the Lord's Way, so shall it be mine.

Good Stuff

Once upon a time, (yesterday) I did something really stupid.

Afterwards I laid in bed thinking "I can't believe I did that, I'm such a failure." Almost immediately, I realized that the aforementioned statement was fraught with cognitive distortions. 

PAUSE: Quick lesson, just in case you don't know what those are!

Cognitive distortions are faulty thought patterns. Once I learned about these, I realized that I can't always trust my thoughts because I'm thinking in a way that IS NOT TRUE. 

A few examples: (these are taken from a website, which I would love to link to but can't figure out how to from the iPhone.)

All-or-Nothing Thinking: Susan applied to a PhD program in Clinical Psychology. She was invited for an interview and did a pretty good job at it. It turned out they offered the slot to another good student. Susan wanted to get into that program very much and now feels that she will never have the same opportunity again. She feels like a total failure.

Jumping to Conclusions: Charles is waiting for his date at a restaurant. She's now 20 minutes late. Charles laments to himself that he must have done something wrong and now she has stood him up. Meanwhile across town, his date is stuck in traffic.

Overgeneralization: Linda is very lonely and often spends most of her time at home. People sometimes suggest that she should get out and meet people. Linda feels that that is it useless to try to meet people. She believes that no one really could like her.

Mental Filter: Dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation and neglecting the positive ones. Kate's husband clearly enjoys the birthday party she threw in his honor, but comments that the food was a bit salty. Kate filters out all his positive comments and criticizes herself for being a lousy cook.

Okay so the trick to cognitive distortions is not getting ticked off that your thinking patterns are faulty sometimes. The trick is to recognize, identify and modify.

So my thought was:

"I made a mistake, therefore I am such a failure."

1. Recognize: Natalie, that's not true. 

2. Identify: This is a classic example of "all or nothing thinking" "labeling and mislabeling" and "overgeneralization."

3. Modify: What do I need to change to make this a true thought?

"I made a mistake, but in no way, shape or form does that make me a failure."

Upon completion of this exercise, I was able to:

A. Fall asleep

B. Wake up without the desire to beat myself up.

C. Recommit to abolishing that behavior in my life.

D. Proudly report to Miss Kathy that I was finally applying what she's been trying to teach me for three months.

And that...is good stuff.

The Big Questions

Today my sister and I were talking and she asked the BIG questions:

"Natalie, what are we gonna do about you? What's your goal? What are you gonna do with your life?"

Let's be real, the only person who knows the answer to those questions is my Heavenly Father. 

And I'm okay with that. For now at least. I know that when I'm ready to listen and obey, He'll be ready to tell.

For now, I know the answers to the little questions:

What am I going to do tomorrow?

What about next week?

Who is it that I'm supposed to be impressing right now? (No one but myself and Heavenly Father.)

Who can I really trust?

What are some blessings that are coming from this?

•Improved relationships with my family.

•A greater respect for human beings in general.

•Renewed faith in myself.

•Deeper love for my Savior and a more sound understanding of the Atonement.

•The ability to relate to and serve other humans in a way that I never would have been able to otherwise.

Speaking of which, I had the amazing oppurtunity last night to talk someone I love through their first panic/anxiety attack. Moments like that, where I'm able to be filled with Christ like love, give me the little answers I need to keep moving forward.

And I will continue onward, trusting, without worrying about the big questions.