Huzzah!

I've oft likened my journey over the past 18 months unto that of a roller coaster. For several weeks in a row I felt like I was coasting on an endless low point. I was having almost the same amount of panic attacks as I did on the mission. (Fun fact: I deal with them much quicker and more effectively than I did then.) But I was in a constant schlump, punctuated by despair and panic. Not the ish. Not at all.

Something had to give.

It became apparent that I needed to make a change. As far as I could tell, there were two choices:

1. Get back on psych meds
2. Start working out consistently again

I was not jazzed. Don't get me wrong, for some humans, their "small and simple thing that makes great things come to pass" is a bottle of pills prescribed by someone who knows their ish. But I went that route for 8 months and all I got was horrible side effects that made my life harder.

So Mr. T and I decided that I should try to improve my self-care first and see if that made a difference.

DID IT EVER.

After only a week and a half of exercising for 30 minutes a day to the point of sweating (that part is crucial) 5 times a week, I went  from several panic attacks a day to a few a week.

HUZZAH!!!

Now whether or not this change can be attributed to the physiological effects of exercise or the effects of making and keeping a commitment to myself, I'm not sure. Probably a combination of both.

Change is a funny thing. It comes fast, slow, suddenly, over time...but it always comes.

That used to terrify me.

Now it gives me hope.

Something Beautiful

One of the greatest things about therapy is that something that is complete common sense for every other human, can manifest itself  as an "AHA Moment!" just for you.

 

This happened to me recently.

Guess what I discovered?

 

One action doesn't define me.

 

What?????

It's true!

Just because I did one thing that may be considered "crazy."

Does NOT mean that I am crazy.

There's more to me than those 5 minutes last December when I cut my hair.

That's not me.

 

I'm so blessed to have so many experiences and memories that make up the patchwork quilt of my life.

But each experience is just one little square of fabric.

And when I look at all of them put together...

They make something beautiful.

I Believe

Today Pandora bestowed a gift upon me.

In the form of a song of course.

Christina Perri has always been my homegirl, but today I literally felt like she was singing my life.

So without further ado...

I Believe by Christina Perri

Interpreting the Life of Natalie Lewis

I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
 

When I was in 6th grade, my sister started teaching me a profound lesson that I am still learning to this day. "What people think of you doesn't matter, only what God thinks and what you think of yourself." Over the past few years, this has especially come in handy. I don't have to lay down and take the abuse that people try to dish out. I don't have to sucker punch them either. That's the beauty of it. 

I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
 

I look back at things I really wanted. I see now that I won't get them.

And I am so grateful.

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: one of the threeish perks of getting sick has been the comfort and validation I've been able to give others. I can look at someone who is basically feeling the same way I was 18 months ago and remind them there is hope.

 I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty
 

Take my hair as an object lesson for this one. The trials we face, the battle scars we obtain, shape us and give depth to our inner and outer beauty.

 I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay
 

There is NOTHING wrong with having a bad day. You do not need to feel guilty for feeling sad. Just take it one day, or hour, or minute at a time. Ride the wave, you'll end up on the beach eventually.

You Have the Answers

 

 

Once upon a time, I was feeling horrid.

I walked into therapy and told Mr. T that I wanted to die.

We tried talking about what was bothering me but I just couldn't express it.

I was starting to shut down, and Mr. T knew it.

So we took a different approach.

 

What I'm about to describe is called "somatic experiencing."

It sounds really weird, (and it kinda is) but it works.

Quite simply, you just walk through an experience in your mind and then your body reaps the benefits.

At least that's how it's been for me.

 

Mr. T talked me through it. I closed my eyes and he had me picture the me I'd be in a few months. I just watched her for awhile. Then I went to meet "me" in five years. Dang that girl is neat. I observed her for awhile. Then we had a nice chit-chat. I asked her some questions, she gave me a hug and assured me that I'd make it-she would know! Afterwards, I went back and talked to "me" in a few months and let her know what she needed to know.

 

By the time I opened my eyes, the pain in my chest was gone.

I had answers.

And they came from ME!

 

It was a very empowering feeling, one that I've worked hard not to lose.

YOU are the best person to get answers for YOU.

Sometimes we need guidance, someone to "hold the space for us," but never underestimate the power that YOU have.

Dang it! Be NICE!

Fun Fact: Messages written from old trauma determine the way we see current trauma.

Mr. T and I are currently working our way through my trauma egg (basically it's a big oval filled with pictures that represents past experiences) and as I tell each story, we determine what I learned-positive and negative-from that experience. 

So we started today's session by talking about my most current issue: losing my job. 

The big problem with that was the messages that were being written in my mind.

When we got into the trauma egg, I realized that messages written in my head at say..age 10 are still alive and well, effecting the way I view myself and operate today. 

We have to be SO CAREFUL about how we talk to ourselves. One destructive thought breeds another, which breeds another and makes us downright miserable.

WHO EVEN WANTS THAT??

#notthisguy

Chalk It Up

I bought a new nightgown tonight. So obviously I can't go to bed until it's clean and I can wear it to Dreamland. To kill the time I redid my chalk board. Poured some water onto some dirty laundry and scrubbed that thing till it was a clean slate. Then it was time to create again. Gosh I love that.

Everything on the board is a  lesson that I've learned/am learning/want to learn.

*The key to success is learning to be comfortable with discomfort.

I learned this one in the month of June while I rigorously endeavored to shift my work performance from the mediocre ----> poor range, to FREAKING exceptional. I don't ever go into work now, thinking it's going to be an easy day. I look at every single task as an achievable obstacle, one I really have to stretch for. "There's no growth in a comfort zone and there's no comfort in a growth zone."

*The phrase "I can't live without him" is TOTAL BS. You may not be as happy for a time, but gosh dangit you'll survive!" (This of course does not apply to us and Jesus, or to sweet old couples that have been together since dinosaurs roamed the earth.)

Literality is not a bad thing. It's actually quite healthy to use precise language. 

*You would never call another human "fat, ugly, unloveable, crazy, retarded," so why would you say that to yourself?

Learning to be my own friend is something I'm still working on. If I treated my friends the way I treat myself sometimes, not only would I be friendless, but someone would probs have already busted a cap in my face. An extra bonus is that once we're able to love and care for ourselves, our capacity to do so for others increases exponentially.

*All you really HAVE to do is keep breathing. Everything else is your choice.

Had this concept introduced to me in group this week. If I really wanted to, I could literally sit still all day, not eat, poop my pants, do NADA. Yes, there would be huge consequences, but I really don't HAVE to do anything. When I do something besides survive, it's my choice and I should treat is as such. Why would I grumble and have cheese and whine about something I chose??

*Someone's watching over you.

I've always known this one. But it gets reintroduced to me every single day.

*According to your faith, you will be made whole.

It's all over the scriptures, so it must apply to me.

*That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

See "The Fault in Our Stars" for further explanation.

*God will give you more than you can bear. He'll give you enough tribulation so that letting Him bear it will be your only option.

This concept, gleaned from a truly inspired blog post, revolutionized the way I look at trials.

Learned Things I Have

*Attitude either kills you or gives your wings.

*Like..I've always known I can do hard things...but guys...I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

*It's okay to sit in a pile of crap for a second before you rush off to try to fix it.

*Running away does ZERO good for any situation.

*It's okay to acknowledge your limitations. I LITERALLY cannot be perky ALL THE TIME. So I made a deal with my boss, I'm allowed to be grumpy for the first half hour of my work day. (Barely anyone else is in the office and I'm not dealing with customers yet.) SO IT WORKS.

*You have to figure out what works for you.

*Once you've done that, you HAVE to clue other humans in to what you need. Despite what you may think, no one can actually read your mind.

*Control and responsibility are like Siamese twins, you can't get one without the other. (And if you try, you'll probs kill them both.)

*Anxiety is a disorder of avoidance. So now when I feel anxious, I take a quick inventory, "What are you avoiding home girl???" Then I decide whether or not it's possible to stop avoiding it. This has been a very new and rewarding concept for me.

#gamechangers

Your Voice Will Set You Free

I started working with a new therapist about a month ago.

He's great.

Good crud is happening. 

I'm a fan.

We had a major breakthrough yesterday.

Fun Fact: When you hold on to pain and hurt within a relationship, you begin to subconsciously start disassociating from that person. Mr. T (my therapist) noticed that this was happening with someone who plays a very crucial part in my life. Every time Mr. T brought up this human, my face would change, he could see the wall go up. 

So when Mr. T told me yesterday that he was going to take on the role of that person so I could speak my feelings....I was not pleased. Like I can't remember ever wanting to do something a therapist suggested less than I did at this point...but my oh my did it pay off.

I started off stoically, my sentences clipped and emotionless. But Mr. T was amazingly convincing and he said something that REALLY set me off. I burst into tears and started yelling. 

I started EXPRESSING myself.

You: Natalie, you express yourself all the time.

Me: Not on this particular topic and never directly to this person.

You: Well it wasn't technically direct...

Me: It might as well have been considering how helpful it was.

I'd been suppressing thoughts and feelings for so long that they exploded out of me like a volcano. I was finally able to say things that had been plaguing me for years. All that raw, pent up energy was able to be released.

And I felt such relief.

When Mr. T became Mr. T again, we had a really nice chat about why those thoughts and feelings were such a struggle and it occurred to me...I was judging myself. I thought it was wrong of me to feel the way I did.

Fun Fact: With feelings, there's no "right" or "wrong." It's just how you feel. You can't really control it, so the best way to go is to accept and even validate your feelings.

It's not about blaming, it's about acknowledging.

The second we acknowledge how we're feeling and allow ourselves to have a voice, we're able to taste a little bit of that intoxicating and exhilarating feeling that we all seek...

Freedom.

A Day of Birth

Today is my 21st birthday.

Woo hoo.

 

It's gotten me thinking about the last year of my life quite a bit.

Everything that's gone down...

It's a mixed bag.

 

On the one hand, this has been the hardest year of my life to date.

I've also seen remarkable miracles, especially within myself.

 

That's nice.

Really nice.

 

Let's take a look at the goodness shall we?

 

20 Great Things that Happened in my 20th Year

 

1. Once upon a time I was walking through Sky Harbor Airport, home, 13 1/2 months earlier than I'd originally planned. I started to panic. Bad. Shaking, hyperventilating, the works. As I got closer to the edge of the gate, I saw a sight for sore eyes: my mom and my sisters. The panic dissipated, and being home, for the first time, looked like a good thing.

 

2. I left a ward party early because it was swarming with missionaries. As I was about to dissolve into a puddle of tears, a dear friend of mine just happened to be driving down my street. Puddle crisis averted.

 

3. Another puddle crisis almost happened the very next day when, whaddya know, two of my best friends showed up at my house just as I was about to lose it.

 

4. I started singing again. Taking that voice class at MCC was one of the best decisions I made all year.

 

5. I began writing this blog. Therapy at it's finest.

 

6. I learned that having a mental health problem is not something to be ashamed of. It's just a part of me, like my dark hair and blue eyes.

 

7. BUT that doesn't mean it has to be my defining characteristic.

 

8. I strengthened my relationships with my nieces and nephews.

 

9. I trained for and ran a sprint triathlon in less than my goal time.

 

10. I got my first full time job.

 

11. I got teach my activity day girls about true beauty. (A bald head is a great object lesson)

 

12. I went back to school.

 

13. I learned that when you've hit rock bottom, the only way to look is...UP.

 

14. I became a mother to an adorable hamster. She taught me to like animals again. (RIP Stella)

 

15. I got back on stage. Having a lead role in Saturday's Warrior was more healing than I could ever tell you.

 

16. The pieces of my personality have started falling back into place.

 

17.  I fell off a back, jacked my back, and got it fixed.

 

18. I learned how to control (for the most part) my panic attacks.

 

19. I've learned the skill of smiling when it's a necessity and crying when it's a luxury.

 

20. I'm still Natalie, not the same one...but she's still pretty great.

 

Here's to another year of growth.

 

Come at me 21!!!

Happy Panicversary

Yesterday marked a year since my very first panic attack.

Happy Panicversary to me!!!!

(Yes, that is totes a thing.)

Of course, my initial thoughts on this subject are a little (read: VERY) negative, sad, regretful etc.

If you've read this blog for awhile then you know the basic story about that day. But what I never took the time to write about were the miracles associated with it.

So here are a few miracles that surrounded the beginning of the hardest trial of my life:

SJ and the Invisible Force

As you know, SJ (Sister Johnson, my greenie) and I were at the YW's broadcast when I first started to panic. The building this was being held at was in Woodbridge CT, a good 30 minute drive from our home of Clinton. I was the designated driver so SJ had never driven back East. However, after I started to lose it there was no way I was going to be able to get us home safely. SJ was terrified. We said a prayer before we left the building and I curled up on the front seat, with the window down trying to clear my head.

SJ is a great driver, but it had been awhile and this was all new to her. She'd also never used a GPS before. We did okay until we were on the freeway and kept getting off at the wrong place and having to get back on. Mind you, we're both freezing (this is CT, in March, with the windows down) I feel like I'm going to die, and SJ is under the pressure of getting her companion to safety before she completely loses it. 

As SJ came to a point where there needed to be a lane change, she was unaware of that fact. But our car moved over, right where we needed it to be. Heavenly Father knew SJ was doing her best, and He decided to step in to get us home safe.

The Phone Call

The next day was one of the worst of my entire life. I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and run over by a herd of elephants. I could barely move, so SJ and I had to miss Easter Sunday. It was HORRID. I slept most of the day, then later we went on a walk, knowing I was in no condition to do much else. As we were walking, I was overcome by this desire for someone, ANYONE to call us. I just really wanted our phone to ring. So so badly. I still don't really know why, I probably just wanted proof that someone was aware of how horrid we were feeling. After we got home I cried about this to SJ and she said a prayer that someone would call us.

Less than 3 minutes after we'd said amen, our phone rang. It was our sweet ward mission later and his wife, wanting to pay us a visit. They came over, brought us Easter candy and flowers and just visited for a few minutes. And, oh what a small world, our mission leader had had multiple panic attacks in his life. After that night, I knew, more than I ever had in my life that God is aware of me and that He loves me unconditionally.

The Moral

There's a common theme in both these stories. A mutual factor that, in my opinion, is the real miracle: my dear SJ. That is another testimony that the Lord is truly in control of His work. He knew I would need SJ that night and during the days that followed. He put us together, despite the fact that we were both so new.

It's hard to describe how healing this has been for me; to look at the good things surrounding a time that still haunts me. If we look hard enough we can always find something to be grateful for. That's not a trite, Mormon concept, it really does help us to heal and be made whole.

So when your next horrible "versary" comes up, my suggestion to you is to revisit those memories from a different perspective. Be a detective looking for the clues that point to growth, peace and happiness. That way you can smile through your tears and be reminded that every difficult road you've walked has led you to where you're at today. And if you're not crazy about the road you're currently on?

A. Join the club.

B. Make a plan to change the things you can. (Baby steps)

C. Find the good stuff.

D. Keep on walking, in your way and in your own time.

And most importantly:

Remember that you're loved, and that there is ALWAYS hope.

Animal Tendancies

Tonight at group therapy we read a story that really hit home with me.

A man was looking at an elephant and noticed that there was a rope tied to its front leg. It was obvious that the elephant had the strength to break free of the rope. So the man asked the trainer about it. The trainer explained that when the elephants are babies they're tied with the same rope in the same way and can't break free. So the elephant grows up and is conditioned to think that it doesn't have the capability to break the rope.

The same is true of us. We all grow up with some kind of belief about ourselves, unwittingly allowing it to hold us back while, ALL ALONG, we have the strength and ability to break free!

This month in group we're learning about our core beliefs and learning how they affect the way we operate. Let me tell you...

IT IS DOWNRIGHT 

TERRIFYING AND PAINFUL.

But the sooner I choose to break free of these beliefs, the happier I'll be. I'll be able to avoid the hamster wheel that these beliefs keep me on.

And let's be real, I'm not a hamster or an elephant. 

I'm a human.

Smells Like Success

This is how I feel after today.

Nothing I did felt good enough.

I couldn't win, no matter how I tried.

And that's exhausting.

 

Tonight at therapy I couldn't sit still.

I could barely hear what everyone was saying.

During the break I just curled up on the floor and shook.

Didn't get much out of tonight.

 

Good news though:

I DON'T SUCK.

Really. I don't.

Even after a day like today, I can openly admit that I'm still moderately awesome.

 

Smells like success to me.

Mental Illness Illustrated

When you find out someone you don't usually associate with is going through something similar to you:

 

 

 

When someone who has no idea what they're talking about tries to explain it away:

 

 

 

  When you get into the mindset that no one will be able to love the "crazy person" that you've become:

 

 

 

When you have a great session of therapy or go a day without a panic attack:
 

 

 

When you wake up in a funk:
 

 

 

When you wake up and realize you have to function for at least 14 hours before you can lay down again:
 

 

 

When someone tells you about a new treatment that sounds like it could work for you:
 

 

 

When your therapist can't remember something you've told them at least 25 times:
 

 

 

When at the end of the day, you have nothing left, so you go to the one person who knows exactly what you're feeling, how you're dealing with it, and still loves you.

Take Those Pills and Shove It

Last night I was trying to sleep.

Trying being the operative word.

I tossed, I turned, and I started to ache.

My chest does this really cute thing where it starts to swell with pain to the point of explosion.

It's like...totes torture.

#totestort

 

So Ralph is like:

"Oh heeeey girl! I know how to make this ish stop!"

"Super! Spill."

"See that pill bottle over there?"

"Well...it's dark so...no."

"Well it's there. Chug those pills."

"That's a bad idea."

"Not really."

"That could really really hurt me."

"So???"

"So I care about myself and the people who love me too much to do something like that."

"It'll make it go away homie..."

 

It's at this point that I realize it's time to talk to someone whose life-goal isn't to make me self-destruct.

So I started scrollin through my phone...

And just the distraction of trying to decide who to call was enough to pull me out of my personal hell.

Then I chatted with Hoven for a few minutes, which is always a dream, and I was finally able to fall asleep.

 

SUCK IT RALPH!!!!!

 

PS

Going to see the Witch Doctor tomorrow.

Should be most enlightening!

Piano Talk

Do you ever feel like this piano?

 

I do.

 

Call me a sentimental fool, but this piano gives me hope.

 

At some point in our lives, we are all going to get beat up and battered.

 

We're going to feel like we can't do the things we once did.

 

That's one of the things I've struggled with most the last few months.

 

For so long, I didn't feel like ME.

 

I wasn't the fun, goofy, social creature I once was.

 

I was so terrified of people, that I hid in my bedroom for months.

 

Now slowly but surely, I'm coming back into myself.

 

Not the same I used to be....

 

SO MUCH BETTER.

 

I LIKE me. I LIKE the way I view the world now.

I'm CAPABLE of things that were just a dream before.

 

That's not to say I don't still hurt.

Every day is still an uphill battle, to get out of bed, to make myself look presentable, to go to work and school and be the best I can.

 

It's HARD.

 

But so incredibly worth it.

 

Change is a process. You're{most likely} not going to wake up one morning and feel whole again.

 

But if you keep doing your best, the pieces will continue to come together and you'll start to see the beauty that is....

 

YOU.

 

PS

Been kicking around an idea for a few months so I'm just going to spit it out.

I don't think for a second that I'm the only person who has a story to tell.

If you'd like to share yours anonymously or otherwise, feel free to email me at natroselewis@gmail.com

You can share just with me, or indicate you'd like it put on the blog.

I speak from experience when I say that writing is EXTREMELY THERAPUTIC.

 Even if you don't actually send your story to me, feel free to use this as motivation to put your thoughts into words.

#justanidea

 

Voice of Reason

I'm thankful for people who love me enough to tell me no.

The other night, I was in a state.

In desperate need of a

"Voice of Reason."

 

VofR: Hello.

Me: It's a bad idea for me to drive my car into a wall, or a pole right?

VofR: Yes. That's a very bad idea.

Me: Yeah.

VofR: Wanna know why?

Me: Yes.

VofR: If you do that, you'll hurt yourself.

Me: And that's bad...

VofR: Yes, Nat that's very bad. And you'll also hurt me.

Me: Oh. I don't want to do that. So...I'll just drive home.

VofR: Yes, drive home and you can punch your pillow.

Me: If I wear my boxing gloves can I punch a wall?

VofR: Yes. If you wear your boxing gloves you can punch a wall.

 

 

Like. I don't need that all the time.

In fact, it'd been months since I was this low.

Just goes to show that there's no such thing as "beating" a mental illness.

It's always going to be there, you just have to prepared.

Keep adding things to your tool box so when times of crisis come...you don't drive your car into a wall.

WARNING: MAY NOT MAKE SENSE

It's 3 am. I need to be expressive. There are a lot of people who've told me I could call them in the middle of the night. But this isn't exactly an emergency...not "wake someone up at 3 am emergency." You see....

I'm happy.

Too happy.

It's making me really really anxious, how good I feel.

So how can I call and wake someone up and have this conversation:

"What's wrong?"
"I'm happy!"

Yeah. Sooooo not happening. But I have learned that writing the blog can have the same effect as expressing myself via conversation.

So here goes:

Reasons I Feel Good
-I had my psychology class tonight. LOVE IT.
-The two main characters on my show have finally gotten together.
-I'm excited about the outfit I have picked out for tomorrow.
-I didn't spend all day writhing in emotional pain.

Possible Explanations for this Unprecedented Bout of Anxiety:
-Fear of the good times ending.
-Trying to navigate uncharted waters. Maybe I'm just anxious because I'm out of my comfort zone. Feeling crappy is what I'm used to.
-I don't feel like myself when I'm like this.

Anyone whose never experienced this feeling is going to be baffled by it...but I have the feeling that I'm not the first person in the world to feel this way.

So neither are you.

Crazy Talk

Tonight as I attempted to swim my troubles away at the gym, I decided to take a page out of Rhianna's book by befriending the monster under my bed and try to get along with the voices inside of my head. Here's what we came up with:

Ralph: Why are we going off meds?
Me: Cause they're not working.
Ralph: But we like popping pills.
Me: Yeah, so??
Ralph: We like it, therefore it's good for us.
Me: Your logic is so twisted.
Ralph: Yeah, so??
Me: We're going drugless Ralph!
Ralph: Here's an idea! Why don't we go out with a bang and take all the stuff we have left over from the last 9 months.
Me: You have the WORST ideas ever. How do we even coexist???

Me: Rosie, how ya doin hon?
Rosie: I miss <insert name here>
Me: Me too dolly, me too.
Rosie: Can't we just talk to them?
Me: Nope, not right now.
Rose: But talking to people we love makes us happy and you say that we should do things that make us happy!!!!!
Me: We have to think about what will make us happy in the long run Rosie dear. And we especially have to think about what's best for <insert name here> You want them to be happy right???
Rosie: YES!
Me: Well that's settled then.

Rain: Dang girl we're doing gooooood!
Me: Yeah?
Rain: Are you serious?? Do you not realize all the positive changes you're making?? We've been off junk and fast food for almost two weeks and we work out every day!
Me: That's true.
Rain: And that's not even mentioning how long we've kept our room clean, or how we haven't let Ralph talk us into hurting ourself!
Me: Huh. Maybe you're right.
Rain: I'm not done yet! You went to a party last night, WITHOUT fake hair, got yourself back in school and didn't even stress out when you got unenrolled due to circumstances outside our control.
Me: Okay okay I get it. I'm definitely headed in the right direction. But...
Rain: But what???
Me: I'm not perfect at any of those things. I make mistakes all the time.
Rain: Ohhhhh come on sister. Once upon a time, you would make a mistake once and then completely give up on the whole endeavor. This is the longest you've ever stuck with healthy habits and I am so proud of you!
Me: You do realize it's only going to get harder from here right? Coming off the meds entirely is going to be a real nightmare.
Rain: I know. But we're ready.
Me: Why are you always right?
Rain: Cause I'm a smarter version of you!

Low lows rear their ugly faces, but let me tell you:
The highs just keep getting higher my friends.

Rewrite

Having a panic disorder doesn't just mean that I have panic attacks. Another really fun (read: sarcasm) side effect is that my ability to deal with difficult situations is greatly diminished. Combine this with the psych med I was on (other people have done crazy things on it) and it's pretty much a bomb just waiting for a spark.

My bomb got a spark.
One I was not expecting.

And I shaved my head.

Talk about a wake up call.
This episode refocused me like nothing else could. I got back to work on myself.

Miss Cathy and I identified the core beliefs I had about myself that were not, and are not, true.

They were fraught with cognitive distortions. So I rewrote them. I was then left with several factual statements that helped me understand myself better.

Examples:

False Fact: I'm crazy.
True Fact: I'm exuberant.

Falsity: I'm worthless without romantic love.
Truth: Heavenly Father loves me, I'm priceless in His eyes, no matter what. His love is unconditional.

BS: I'm afraid of pain, it's always going to be that way.
Truth: Courage is not the absence of fear. It's the belief that something else is more important than fear. Pain helps me grow. Growth is more important than fear.
Miss Kathy: Do you believe  that?
Me: Of course I do! It has a Princess Diaries quote in it!

Slowly but surely, I'm making these truths, and others like them, part of my thinking and belief system.

They come in handy when I need to talk to myself.

Last night I was anticipating another spark. One that, had it come a week previously, would've caused another explosion of mass proportions.

But I'd changed a lot that week.

So as I waited for the spark, I had a little chat with myself.

"We may be getting some bad news pretty soon. If it happens, we are going. to.be. fine. It will not be cause for another break down. We will not hurt ourselves. We'll be hurting enough. But it will be okay. This is not going to change the way we view ourselves. It will not change our beliefs about the world around us. We will grieve, put on a brave face and go on. Or...we may be worrying for nothing, and the news won't be bad after all."

The news was bad.

It did not cause a catastrophe.

It caused a lot of tears. No worries there, crying is an excellent release.

I won't lie. I'm proud of myself. This event is evidence of real growth. Just a small glimpse of the greatness that is to come.

That, my friends, is why it pays to talk to yourself. And not just to talk, but to be open and honest. Run your thoughts about yourself by someone who truly cares about you, and find out if they're really true.

If not, it's time for a serious rewrite.