Your Voice Will Set You Free

I started working with a new therapist about a month ago.

He's great.

Good crud is happening. 

I'm a fan.

We had a major breakthrough yesterday.

Fun Fact: When you hold on to pain and hurt within a relationship, you begin to subconsciously start disassociating from that person. Mr. T (my therapist) noticed that this was happening with someone who plays a very crucial part in my life. Every time Mr. T brought up this human, my face would change, he could see the wall go up. 

So when Mr. T told me yesterday that he was going to take on the role of that person so I could speak my feelings....I was not pleased. Like I can't remember ever wanting to do something a therapist suggested less than I did at this point...but my oh my did it pay off.

I started off stoically, my sentences clipped and emotionless. But Mr. T was amazingly convincing and he said something that REALLY set me off. I burst into tears and started yelling. 

I started EXPRESSING myself.

You: Natalie, you express yourself all the time.

Me: Not on this particular topic and never directly to this person.

You: Well it wasn't technically direct...

Me: It might as well have been considering how helpful it was.

I'd been suppressing thoughts and feelings for so long that they exploded out of me like a volcano. I was finally able to say things that had been plaguing me for years. All that raw, pent up energy was able to be released.

And I felt such relief.

When Mr. T became Mr. T again, we had a really nice chat about why those thoughts and feelings were such a struggle and it occurred to me...I was judging myself. I thought it was wrong of me to feel the way I did.

Fun Fact: With feelings, there's no "right" or "wrong." It's just how you feel. You can't really control it, so the best way to go is to accept and even validate your feelings.

It's not about blaming, it's about acknowledging.

The second we acknowledge how we're feeling and allow ourselves to have a voice, we're able to taste a little bit of that intoxicating and exhilarating feeling that we all seek...

Freedom.