Happy Panicversary

Yesterday marked a year since my very first panic attack.

Happy Panicversary to me!!!!

(Yes, that is totes a thing.)

Of course, my initial thoughts on this subject are a little (read: VERY) negative, sad, regretful etc.

If you've read this blog for awhile then you know the basic story about that day. But what I never took the time to write about were the miracles associated with it.

So here are a few miracles that surrounded the beginning of the hardest trial of my life:

SJ and the Invisible Force

As you know, SJ (Sister Johnson, my greenie) and I were at the YW's broadcast when I first started to panic. The building this was being held at was in Woodbridge CT, a good 30 minute drive from our home of Clinton. I was the designated driver so SJ had never driven back East. However, after I started to lose it there was no way I was going to be able to get us home safely. SJ was terrified. We said a prayer before we left the building and I curled up on the front seat, with the window down trying to clear my head.

SJ is a great driver, but it had been awhile and this was all new to her. She'd also never used a GPS before. We did okay until we were on the freeway and kept getting off at the wrong place and having to get back on. Mind you, we're both freezing (this is CT, in March, with the windows down) I feel like I'm going to die, and SJ is under the pressure of getting her companion to safety before she completely loses it. 

As SJ came to a point where there needed to be a lane change, she was unaware of that fact. But our car moved over, right where we needed it to be. Heavenly Father knew SJ was doing her best, and He decided to step in to get us home safe.

The Phone Call

The next day was one of the worst of my entire life. I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and run over by a herd of elephants. I could barely move, so SJ and I had to miss Easter Sunday. It was HORRID. I slept most of the day, then later we went on a walk, knowing I was in no condition to do much else. As we were walking, I was overcome by this desire for someone, ANYONE to call us. I just really wanted our phone to ring. So so badly. I still don't really know why, I probably just wanted proof that someone was aware of how horrid we were feeling. After we got home I cried about this to SJ and she said a prayer that someone would call us.

Less than 3 minutes after we'd said amen, our phone rang. It was our sweet ward mission later and his wife, wanting to pay us a visit. They came over, brought us Easter candy and flowers and just visited for a few minutes. And, oh what a small world, our mission leader had had multiple panic attacks in his life. After that night, I knew, more than I ever had in my life that God is aware of me and that He loves me unconditionally.

The Moral

There's a common theme in both these stories. A mutual factor that, in my opinion, is the real miracle: my dear SJ. That is another testimony that the Lord is truly in control of His work. He knew I would need SJ that night and during the days that followed. He put us together, despite the fact that we were both so new.

It's hard to describe how healing this has been for me; to look at the good things surrounding a time that still haunts me. If we look hard enough we can always find something to be grateful for. That's not a trite, Mormon concept, it really does help us to heal and be made whole.

So when your next horrible "versary" comes up, my suggestion to you is to revisit those memories from a different perspective. Be a detective looking for the clues that point to growth, peace and happiness. That way you can smile through your tears and be reminded that every difficult road you've walked has led you to where you're at today. And if you're not crazy about the road you're currently on?

A. Join the club.

B. Make a plan to change the things you can. (Baby steps)

C. Find the good stuff.

D. Keep on walking, in your way and in your own time.

And most importantly:

Remember that you're loved, and that there is ALWAYS hope.