Rewrite

Having a panic disorder doesn't just mean that I have panic attacks. Another really fun (read: sarcasm) side effect is that my ability to deal with difficult situations is greatly diminished. Combine this with the psych med I was on (other people have done crazy things on it) and it's pretty much a bomb just waiting for a spark.

My bomb got a spark.
One I was not expecting.

And I shaved my head.

Talk about a wake up call.
This episode refocused me like nothing else could. I got back to work on myself.

Miss Cathy and I identified the core beliefs I had about myself that were not, and are not, true.

They were fraught with cognitive distortions. So I rewrote them. I was then left with several factual statements that helped me understand myself better.

Examples:

False Fact: I'm crazy.
True Fact: I'm exuberant.

Falsity: I'm worthless without romantic love.
Truth: Heavenly Father loves me, I'm priceless in His eyes, no matter what. His love is unconditional.

BS: I'm afraid of pain, it's always going to be that way.
Truth: Courage is not the absence of fear. It's the belief that something else is more important than fear. Pain helps me grow. Growth is more important than fear.
Miss Kathy: Do you believe  that?
Me: Of course I do! It has a Princess Diaries quote in it!

Slowly but surely, I'm making these truths, and others like them, part of my thinking and belief system.

They come in handy when I need to talk to myself.

Last night I was anticipating another spark. One that, had it come a week previously, would've caused another explosion of mass proportions.

But I'd changed a lot that week.

So as I waited for the spark, I had a little chat with myself.

"We may be getting some bad news pretty soon. If it happens, we are going. to.be. fine. It will not be cause for another break down. We will not hurt ourselves. We'll be hurting enough. But it will be okay. This is not going to change the way we view ourselves. It will not change our beliefs about the world around us. We will grieve, put on a brave face and go on. Or...we may be worrying for nothing, and the news won't be bad after all."

The news was bad.

It did not cause a catastrophe.

It caused a lot of tears. No worries there, crying is an excellent release.

I won't lie. I'm proud of myself. This event is evidence of real growth. Just a small glimpse of the greatness that is to come.

That, my friends, is why it pays to talk to yourself. And not just to talk, but to be open and honest. Run your thoughts about yourself by someone who truly cares about you, and find out if they're really true.

If not, it's time for a serious rewrite.