Change the Channel

As a teenager I started to have really weird thoughts that made me question who I was as a person. A very trusted advisor told me that my mind was like a stage and I got to choose which actors I allowed on the stage. This advice served me well for a very long time.

But just recently I've found a metaphor that works even better for me. My brain is like a TV. I don't always get to choose what comes on, but I do have the power to change the channel.

This has been very important for me because I have a tendency to beat myself up about the crazy thoughts that sometimes come into my mind. But, just like daytime TV I don't control the programming. Just what I watch.

So if you're like me and you feel guilty for thinking weird or upsetting things, remember it's not your fault.

Just change the channel.

Which may be easier said than done. But keep that mental remote control handy. Have something uplifting in the DVR ready to go.

And most importantly remember that what's on TV doesn't make you who you are, it's what you choose to watch.

selfishness vs self-indulgence vs self-care

I've been working on what these terms mean for me personally, for quite awhile.

Recently, I had to do something incredibly difficult that was also excruciatingly painful. The kind of pain that has the power to physically knock you over. But I'm holding onto the belief that in the long run, what I did was best.

This situation got me thinking about selfishness. Was I being selfish as I made my decision?

The official definition of the word selfish is:

"Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own profit or pleasure."

So basically, is it all about me? In this case, the answer is a resounding no.

My hope is that I'll remember that as I continue to make peace with my decisions.

Another distinction I've had to learn to understand is self-indulgence vs self-care.

To indulge is to: "allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of."

To care for is to: "provide the  provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person or thing"

When I was first introduced to self-care, I often got the two mixed up. Sometimes I still do so, humorously:

"I've had a rough day so I'm going to eat this entire pint of ice cream and binge watch Bones. #selfcare"

But what I've come to learn is that proper self-care is similar to  exceptional parenting.

Really great parents:
1. Meet and fulfill needs
2. Assess and manage wants
3. Ensure health and safety-sometimes through restrictions and constraints

When caring for ourselves we do the same:
1. Meet our needs physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually.
2. Decide which wants are actually necessary. (Self-indulgence means giving into all the wants "for your own good."
3. Make sure we are healthy and safe by making smart decisions.

Here's an example of this:

A few years ago, I took myself to Disneyland. After the first day at the park I was very sore and fussy. In addition, the park was at full capacity and I thought I was going to die. So I took myself to the beach.

It was beautiful.

As the sun started to set, I thought to myself, "I should probably get going." Part of me, however, really wanted to stay at the beach. But, just as a good parent would have, I told myself that it was safest and in my best interest to head back to the house.

You see? I wanted to indulge in more time at the beach, but I practiced care by leaving to ensure my safety.

I'm still figuring this all out obviously. But the more I do, the  more I see the necessity for it. 

Why?

Taking care of me is not selfish.

I'm important.

I deserve love.

I deserve self-care.

And so do you.

So That's Where We're At

I hurt. 

I ache.

You know what's the worst?

When you have these deep-rooted {untrue} beliefs about yourself, implanted ever so firmly in your brain, AND THEN

something happens that confirms those beliefs!

So not only are you dealing with the pain of the situation.

You're also filled with these feelings of dread, weakness, and insecurity.

Because all the negative things you've thought about yourself have now been confirmed.

Right?

Wrong.

But it isn't easy to convince yourself of that. 

So where to begin?

Learn what you can trust and believe.

I can't always trust my thoughts.

But I can trust my roommate when she disproves my beliefs.

I can trust my best friend when she tells me that I'm not crazy.

I can trust that my brother Jesus Christ loves me perfectly. 

I can trust that I'm a daughter of God, and He doesn't make mistakes. 

I Don't Believe in Coincidences

It's been a really rough week.
Physically.
Academically.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Tonight I was feeling especially horrible.
Like I couldn't do anything right and trying was just too hard.

I almost elected to go home and bum around.
But I stuck to the original plan and went to Battle of the Dance with  Banana Crust.
At one point, a girl came on stage to introduce her dance and told us her story.

She had to come home early from her mission.
Because of anxiety.
Depression.
And panic attacks.
Her name was Natalie.

Natalie turned to dance to help her heal.
The routine she performed was meant to demonstrate that beauty can come from pain.
It was absolutely beautiful.
I cried the whole time.
And enthusiastically joined more than half of the auditorium in giving her a much deserved standing ovation.

This was such a gift.
I left that auditorium feeling completely different than I did when I walked in.
I could function again.
I felt loved, valued, and known.

Miracles have not ceased.
Not in my life.
Not in yours.

Good Company

Tonight I am truly amazed.

I'm amazed by the amount and variety of triggers I experience.

Generally speaking, my triggers are physical or emotional pain, some social situations, and feeling a lack of control. These are pretty broad and can be broken down into endless facets. Take tonight's triggers for example:

*A small, constant pain in my side.*

*Not receiving things I didn't ask for from people I shouldn't be asking in the first place.*

*Being unable to find a marker cap.*

*Placing my face in the duvet and smelling someone from my past.*

One nice thing about this is the fact that I can pinpoint each trigger. Once upon a time, that was a virtual impossibility. If I can't stop myself from feeling crappy, at least I can know why I'm feeling crappy.

This blog started out as hardcore therapy for me. Anytime I felt severely anxious, depressed, or unsettled, I wrote. Over the years, it's evolved into a place where I share the things I've learned in an effort to buoy up not only  myself but others who face their own demons. Even if it's just a venting post, I try to teach something, to bring some small measure of hope.

Tonight however,  the best I can do is to say that if you feel crappy, overwhelmed, and a little bit crazy right now.....you're in good company.

I Have

Do you know what it's like to feel trapped inside your own head?
Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and not recognize the face you see?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from the world around you?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from yourself?

I do.
It's freaking terrifying.

Do you have a hard time enjoying the good times because you know they won't last?
Do you expect and welcome misery when it inevitably comes?
Do you have a hard time trusting others with your pain?
Do you worry that you'll wear them out and they'll (justifiably) give up on you?
Do you find yourself wanting to push their limits, test them, to find out if they'll abandon you?

I do.
It's incredibly lonely.

Do you know how hard it is to choose hope instead of reveling in despair?
Do you know how hard it is to choose action rather than reaction?
Do you know how hard it is to know what you should do to help yourself, but not have the desire or energy to do that thing?
Do you know how hard it is to let go of those things that held you together for so long, though you always knew they were only a temporary solution?

I do.
It seems impossible.

Do you ever feel like you've failed the people who love you most?
Do you ever feel like your struggles aren't real or valid because they aren't "as bad" as someone else's?
Do you ever feel like there is nowhere to turn?
Do you ever feel like your pain will never end?

I do.
It makes me feel hopeless.

Have you asked God to send His angels to attend you?
Have you asked Him to remove the darkness that surrounds you?
Have you ever screamed, "I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING" in place of a prayer?
Have you gotten in the daily habit of asking to be made whole?

I have.
And that's how I keep going.

A Love Letter to Me

It's a rough night.
It's been a rough week.
Month.
Semester.

In an attempt to process some feelings, I started working on a writing assignment given to me by my new therapist.

There are 5 categories. You start by expressing your feelings of:

1. anger and blame
2. hurt and sadness
3. fear, insecurity and loneliness
4. guilt and responsibility
5. love, forgiveness, understanding and desire

If at any point you feel emotions from a previous category, you go back up and let it all out, working down to the bottom.

What was cool is that when I got to that last level, one of the prompts was:

"I love you because..."

And I felt strongly that I needed to direct that part to me.

Jesus taught us to love others as we love ourselves.

But what if we don't love ourselves??

If I spoke to other people the way I speak to myself, I would have no friends, and lots of hurt feelings directed at me.

So why is it okay to treat myself like dirt???

Spoiler Alert: IT'S NOT

I've always endeavored to live by the golden rule, but now it needs flipped.

"Do unto yourself as you would do unto others."

I'm all about love notes for others, so here's one for me.

Dear Natalie,

I love you because you have chosen to be brave and strong. I love you because you're fighting instead of cowering to your inner demons. I love you because you're keeping your promises, even though it's really hard. I love you because you're humble enough to get help, and teachable enough to internalize what you're taught. I love you because when you ache, you accept God's invitations to serve others. I love you because you are a daughter of God who is priceless, worth fighting for, and YES, absolutely deserving of love.

Love,
Natalie

Living My Truth

 We don't always have a say in the hand we're dealt.

But the next play made is our call.

Sometimes it doesn't feel that way. 

When I first got help for my panic attacks, the therapist taught me this:

"It feels like you can't control whether or not you breathe, but you can."

Sometimes it takes longer than I'd like, but I always find a way to keep breathing.

And that's what makes me who I am.

Not the fact that I couldn't breathe in the first place.

It's terrifying how true this one is. 

I can be completely fine, and then get caught up in a memory from YEARS ago that sets me aching and/or panicking. 

The trick is to realize that there is not a dang thing I can do about the existence of that memory from my past. 

But I have all the control over the power it has over my present and future.

I have a really hard time with this. 

I don't want to be perceived as "needy," or "emotionally high maintenance." 

But if I think critically about this:

Need 1 exists.

It's not something I can take care of on my own.

I don't want to come off as needy.

I say nothing about Need 1.

Because Need 1 was not met,  needs 2, 3 and 4 make their appearances.

So in the long run, not voicing and taking care of my needs just makes me more needy and high-maintenance.

Anxiety and depression exist on a continuum.

At one end, you have the basic feelings that contribute to the average human experience.

It then extends to represent completely debilitating life long conditions.

It's a natural human response to be sad and/or anxious sometimes.

We all have moments.

We all feel stuck sometimes. 

Sometimes we dance around on the continuum.

The severity and longevity of our feelings change, but we're always somewhere on that line.

I'm not the same person I was 3.5 years ago, when this whole party got started.
The changes that the Savior and I have wrought in me do not negate the pain and hardship I've been through.
What's happened is this:
I've filled my "tool box."
I now have everything I need to be the one running the show.
And that's pretty great.

One Choice at a Time

Say what you will about BYU-I, this place has been all kinds of good for me.

One of the many blessings I've received from going here is free therapy.

I've been seeing Brudda Hman for about a month now and let me just say, this guy is exactly who I need right now. 

My personal opinion is that the best therapists don't try to change you.

The very best ones simply hold the space and act as a guide for you to do your work and change yourself.

Brudda Hman does that.

Something I love that he does is he'll be mid sentence and then say:

"No, the spirit is telling me to rephrase that."

So he does and what he ends up saying is always exactly what I need to hear.

I'm so grateful that homey is worthy to receive and listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Each week I've met with him, he's taught me something new and given me something to practice:

Week 1: I am powerless. And that's okay. I get to make choices.

I'm a control freak.

Anyone who knows me personally is, I'm sure, super shocked to hear that news.

*wink wink, nod nod*

There are things in my life that I can't control.

Correction: There are A LOT of things in my life that I can't control.

There are lots of moments when I have to remind myself that I'm powerless.

But the important part of this is what comes next:

AND IT'S OKAY. 

It's okay! 

Really! 

Why?

I get to make choices. 

All I have to do is make the best choice possible, take a deep breath and carry one.

Which, real talk, is much easier said than done.

Some days, I literally have to take it one choice at a time.

"Okay, I choose to open my eyes even though I don't feel ready to face today."

"Great! Now I choose to skim through Instagram so that I can wake up."

"Excellent, now I choose to get out of bed."

One choice at a time.

That's how I make it through my hardest days.

I Am Still Alive

This has been a very hard week. 

One of the worst "brain weeks" of my life. 

The intrusive thoughts have been debilitating.

The depression has been crippling.

And the panic attacks have been nigh upon unbearable.

But in the words of Christina Perri:

"I am still alive."

Today, near the end of church I started to panic, and ache, and hurt. 

So we hustled out of there right after the "Amen." 

We went home, I took a pill and curled up on the couch.

Where I proceeded to writhe in pain for fifteen minutes.

Then, out of nowhere I started singing a Prince of Egypt song in my head:

"Deliver us, hear our call, deliver us."

And that's when I got motivated to spring into action. 

I went and ate something. 

I sat up and listened to Julie talk.

Then I turned on some peaceful music and laid down again.

Then Julie asked me to help her clean Bee's room.

So I went and laid on Bee's bed, folded clothes and told Julie where to put things.

Then Bee and E needed to pow wow about their love lives.

Then I felt motivated and ready to write the thoughts that have been accumulating this week.

What I learned most from today is how important it is to use all of the resources available to me:

Prayer, medicine, human connection, healthy habits (like eating regularly.)

And as I do my part, God does His.

Do I feel 1000% better?

No.

Am I laying on the couch writhing in pain?

No.

Am I worried about what this week hold?

Sure I am.

But do I have the tools and support system necessary to face what ever comes my way?

Absolutely.

Who Am I? (24601)

Do you ever feel like you're having an identity crisis?

No?

Just me?

Okay, that's fine. 

One of my teachers in the MTC once said, 

"You never know which version of Sister Lewis you're going to get." 

That's bugged me ever since he said it three years ago.

Especially because I know that he had a point. 

The struggle has been really real with this lately. 

There's this Natalie: 

 I enjoy her. 

Other peeps seem to enjoy her.

Then there's this Natalie:

(Ignore the hair if possible.)

I've been feeling like this a lot lately.

Especially in the morning.

Which is when most of my classes are. 

So I feel like the Natalie I'm "presenting" to the world isn't the "real" me.

But I can't just shut this personality off whenever I feel like it.

But I have noticed that when I go over to chill with the peeps at the end of my day, I start out like Poo Poo Natalie. But after being with humans who bring out the best in me, I'm myself again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to feel how you're feeling. 

It's okay if you can't change those feelings right away.

That's a really hard thing to do.

Maybe you need help.

It's okay to need help.

If there's anything I know, it's that surrounding myself with beautiful, kind, understanding humans is a sure-fire way to guarantee that I am my beautiful, kind, understanding self.

And slowly but surely, I'll find other ways to be who I want to be all the time. 

Until then, I'm just going to enjoy being me. 

Period.

Real or Not Real

One of the really special things about my brain is that I can't watch a movie or show without it messing with my mind. I'll start thinking like one of the characters, or when it's really severe, I start to confuse things about them with myself. 

I had such an experience the other night and was having a hard time sleeping as a result. So Steven suggested we play a game of Real or Not Real. 

(This is taken from Mockingjay. When Peeta gets his brain hijacked, he asks his friends things he's not sure about and they tell him if something is Real or Not Real.)

As Steven sent me these questions. I was able to come back to earth, so to speak. Come back to myself. To differentiate between fiction and reality.

Just because I need these reminders does not mean I'm a crazy person. It means my mind is very impressionable. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes learning much easier. My brain is malleable, and as long as it's in the right hands, the potential is endless.

So just remember, it's okay to get confused. Whatever you're feeling or thinking is OKAY. Why? Because that's how it is.

 Your power is endless. Start by accepting you. Then make choices, and encourage thoughts that are Real and uplifting.

Thought is Half a Choice

Have you every had those days when-regardless of the situation-the first responsive thought that pops into your cranium is the f word?
No??
Oh.
Well aren't you ever so holy!

What I'm trying to say is that we don't have a whole lot of control of our thoughts, at the beginning.
I can't control what comes on the TV. (Cable, not Netflix.)
But I have absolute power when it comes to changing the channel.

This doesn't just apply to swear words.
It applies to self-deprecation.
It applies to intrusive thoughts.

Just because I have a crazy thought, doesn't mean I'm crazy.
Period.
It's the thoughts that I choose to entertain that matters.
It's the TV channel that I choose to let play all day.

Sometimes, changing the channel is really hard.
Sometimes, I can't do it alone.
That's okay.

I reach out to my family.
I reach out to trusted friends.
I reach out to my therapist.
I reach out to my Heavenly Father and my brother Jesus Christ.

When I reach, there's always someone to grab on to.
And that is really great.

Guys! It's Okay to Lose It!

Sometimes, you'll go a long time without losing your head.

Then you do.

And it sucks.

It had been AT LEAST 6 months since I'd struggled with scary, intrusive thoughts. 

Then last weekend while I was in Utah, I got overwhelmed and my brain started telling me it might be a good idea to run my car into a wall.

NEAT.

LOL NO.

So yeah, I was pretty freaked out.

I pulled into a gas station and called Steven.

And cried. And cried. And cried.

Then I texted Mr. T just to check in what had happened.

The worst part about the whole thing was this feeling of regression.

Like all my hard work for the last 1.5 years meant nothing.

But guess what folks?

THAT'S A WHORE-MOUTHED LIE!!!!!!

Progression is progression is progression.

Slips will happen.

Mistakes will happen.

Losing your crap will happen.

But that in NO way, shape or form diminishes your progress. 

Just shovel the crap back up and keep on trucking.

You're doing so great.

So much better than you think.

It's okay man!

Like really. It's okay.

It's okay that I woke up at 8:46 for my 9:00 class.

I got there by 8:58.

It's okay!

Last night I had a great experience at the women's broadcast and dinner with my roommates.

Then I got home, felt ill and laid on the couch crying and writhing in pain.

It's okay!

I've been having to do a LOT more focused and deep breathing these days so I can hold myself together.

IT'S OKAY!

A few times this week, I didn't offer to take my roommates with me to the gym.

I really just needed some alone time to clear my head.

And that's okay!

I have needs. 

And that's okay!!

The other day, I behaved really insensitively towards a girl in my math class.

I felt awful. 

So I tried to make amends, and you know what??

IT'S OKAY!

We all have bad days, weeks, months, years.

We all do things we're not proud of.

We all go through periods of our lives where, LITERALLY, all we're doing is holding on for dear life trying to keep it together.

And guess what?

The Sunscreen Metaphor

One of the best things about therapy is that you're in a safe place.

You can leave your inhibitions, fronts and whatever other crap you're carting around at the door.

It's a place where you can be open and honest with yourself.

Honesty with oneself, generally leads to brain waves which then lead to self discovery.

Here's the one I had the other day:

Truth: Humans need connection with other humans.

Truth: Healthy connection is only possible when healthy boundaries are in place.

Metaphor: 

Allowing myself to be open and available for connection is like going out into the sunshine.

Healthy boundaries are sunscreen.

Sun burn is the bad/sad/unhappy feelings I have when I connect without boundaries.

So lately, I've been feeling pretty sunburned.

But instead of putting on my sunscreen. (healthy boundaries)

I've just stayed in my house all day. (metaphorically)

I've been consciously avoiding lots of opportunities to connect myself with other people because I'm sick of getting burnt. 

But think about it, the sun gives us life.

Vitamin d or q or whatever it is.

Connection gives us life.

It's why God put us all on one earth together.

When I don't get connection, my mind and body seek ways to feel that need: pseudo-connection. These quick fix remedies feel good in the moment but then leave me to crash and burn.

The remedy?

Lots of sunscreen.

Healthy boundaries = healthy relationships.

Healthy relationships =healthy Natalie.

Heroes: Studio C

Two years ago, just after coming home, I went to see a psychiatrist.

She told me that I needed to watch something every day that would make me laugh.

Not a whole lot was funny to me at this point.

But these guys were.

I'd watch at least an episode a day...

And I would laugh.

God gives everyone gifts.

These peeps got the gift of humor.

And I am so grateful.

Heroes: Papa Harold

A few days after I came home from my mission, I got the flu.

Spent the whole day on the couch feeling ill and anxious.

#party

When dad came home from work that day, he suggested that I accompany him to shovel dirt at my sister's house.

And though that sounded like the worst idea ever, I went.

And it was like magic.

I sweated out all my impurities and felt good as new.

Manual labor man.

Whooda thought?

A few weeks into life at home, dad came home at 3:30 pm to find me laying in my bed, looking like a zombie.

Dad: What's wrong?

Me: Nothing.

Dad: Oh yeah? Most people who are okay aren't laying in bed at this time of day...

*throws me car keys*

Dad: Go to the gym.

And again, he was right.

I felt much better after that.

A few months later I decided to do a sprint triathlon.

Dad did too.

He never left my side.

He biked in front of me to break the wind.

When I fell off my bike and started to cry, he tough loved me into getting back up and carrying on.

During the run, (mind you, my jog is the speed of most peep's walk) he jogged backwards so he could keep pumping me up.

He wouldn't let me stop.

He stayed with me until we crossed the finish line.

That's how my dad rolls.

And I could not be more grateful.

Heroes: Shirlay

 Sometimes, life just really sucks.

Just really bad.

And that's a fact.

And admitting that is an okay thing to do.

More facts:

Misery loves company.

When your life sucks, it's oddly comforting to spend time with someone else whose life sucks.

So Shern and I (dear friends since pre-pubesance) were especially useful to each other in the early months of 2014.

We were both miserable.

So we ate out.

A lot.

Comfort food man.

It helped.

So one night we're driving back from Liberty Market and we start LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Why?

Cause we were so unhappy.

Things were really bad.

And we laaaaaughed about it.

And that helped.

We were each other's date for Valentine's that year.

It was great.

My birthday was fraught with fruitless hope.

Shern did everything she could to make it not horrendous.

I will always love her for that.

We've had years and years of amazing friendship.

Those months represent the epitome of that bond.

And though there's no way I'd ever go back and repeat that time,

because of Sheridan....

I'm glad they happened.

Heroes: Shmadeleine Rose

This little angel has my middle name.

Which is really great.

She also likes to make visits with me.

Which is also really great.

She also chooses to attend funerals of her own volition.

Which is astounding because she's like...6.

So we're at this funeral and I'm terrified that I won't be able to make it through my musical number without weeping.

It was a ROUGH funeral.

Well, it was beautiful. 

But rough for me.

Anywho, it's my turn so I grab Shmaddie's hand and have her come up to the stand with me.

She stood next to me the entire time, our hands clasped.

She didn't even have to start singing the words from me.

She gave me strength that I really needed.

Thanks Shmaddiecakes.