Living My Truth

 We don't always have a say in the hand we're dealt.

But the next play made is our call.

Sometimes it doesn't feel that way. 

When I first got help for my panic attacks, the therapist taught me this:

"It feels like you can't control whether or not you breathe, but you can."

Sometimes it takes longer than I'd like, but I always find a way to keep breathing.

And that's what makes me who I am.

Not the fact that I couldn't breathe in the first place.

It's terrifying how true this one is. 

I can be completely fine, and then get caught up in a memory from YEARS ago that sets me aching and/or panicking. 

The trick is to realize that there is not a dang thing I can do about the existence of that memory from my past. 

But I have all the control over the power it has over my present and future.

I have a really hard time with this. 

I don't want to be perceived as "needy," or "emotionally high maintenance." 

But if I think critically about this:

Need 1 exists.

It's not something I can take care of on my own.

I don't want to come off as needy.

I say nothing about Need 1.

Because Need 1 was not met,  needs 2, 3 and 4 make their appearances.

So in the long run, not voicing and taking care of my needs just makes me more needy and high-maintenance.

Anxiety and depression exist on a continuum.

At one end, you have the basic feelings that contribute to the average human experience.

It then extends to represent completely debilitating life long conditions.

It's a natural human response to be sad and/or anxious sometimes.

We all have moments.

We all feel stuck sometimes. 

Sometimes we dance around on the continuum.

The severity and longevity of our feelings change, but we're always somewhere on that line.

I'm not the same person I was 3.5 years ago, when this whole party got started.
The changes that the Savior and I have wrought in me do not negate the pain and hardship I've been through.
What's happened is this:
I've filled my "tool box."
I now have everything I need to be the one running the show.
And that's pretty great.