Real or Not Real

One of the really special things about my brain is that I can't watch a movie or show without it messing with my mind. I'll start thinking like one of the characters, or when it's really severe, I start to confuse things about them with myself. 

I had such an experience the other night and was having a hard time sleeping as a result. So Steven suggested we play a game of Real or Not Real. 

(This is taken from Mockingjay. When Peeta gets his brain hijacked, he asks his friends things he's not sure about and they tell him if something is Real or Not Real.)

As Steven sent me these questions. I was able to come back to earth, so to speak. Come back to myself. To differentiate between fiction and reality.

Just because I need these reminders does not mean I'm a crazy person. It means my mind is very impressionable. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes learning much easier. My brain is malleable, and as long as it's in the right hands, the potential is endless.

So just remember, it's okay to get confused. Whatever you're feeling or thinking is OKAY. Why? Because that's how it is.

 Your power is endless. Start by accepting you. Then make choices, and encourage thoughts that are Real and uplifting.

Thought is Half a Choice

Have you every had those days when-regardless of the situation-the first responsive thought that pops into your cranium is the f word?
No??
Oh.
Well aren't you ever so holy!

What I'm trying to say is that we don't have a whole lot of control of our thoughts, at the beginning.
I can't control what comes on the TV. (Cable, not Netflix.)
But I have absolute power when it comes to changing the channel.

This doesn't just apply to swear words.
It applies to self-deprecation.
It applies to intrusive thoughts.

Just because I have a crazy thought, doesn't mean I'm crazy.
Period.
It's the thoughts that I choose to entertain that matters.
It's the TV channel that I choose to let play all day.

Sometimes, changing the channel is really hard.
Sometimes, I can't do it alone.
That's okay.

I reach out to my family.
I reach out to trusted friends.
I reach out to my therapist.
I reach out to my Heavenly Father and my brother Jesus Christ.

When I reach, there's always someone to grab on to.
And that is really great.

Guys! It's Okay to Lose It!

Sometimes, you'll go a long time without losing your head.

Then you do.

And it sucks.

It had been AT LEAST 6 months since I'd struggled with scary, intrusive thoughts. 

Then last weekend while I was in Utah, I got overwhelmed and my brain started telling me it might be a good idea to run my car into a wall.

NEAT.

LOL NO.

So yeah, I was pretty freaked out.

I pulled into a gas station and called Steven.

And cried. And cried. And cried.

Then I texted Mr. T just to check in what had happened.

The worst part about the whole thing was this feeling of regression.

Like all my hard work for the last 1.5 years meant nothing.

But guess what folks?

THAT'S A WHORE-MOUTHED LIE!!!!!!

Progression is progression is progression.

Slips will happen.

Mistakes will happen.

Losing your crap will happen.

But that in NO way, shape or form diminishes your progress. 

Just shovel the crap back up and keep on trucking.

You're doing so great.

So much better than you think.

It's okay man!

Like really. It's okay.

It's okay that I woke up at 8:46 for my 9:00 class.

I got there by 8:58.

It's okay!

Last night I had a great experience at the women's broadcast and dinner with my roommates.

Then I got home, felt ill and laid on the couch crying and writhing in pain.

It's okay!

I've been having to do a LOT more focused and deep breathing these days so I can hold myself together.

IT'S OKAY!

A few times this week, I didn't offer to take my roommates with me to the gym.

I really just needed some alone time to clear my head.

And that's okay!

I have needs. 

And that's okay!!

The other day, I behaved really insensitively towards a girl in my math class.

I felt awful. 

So I tried to make amends, and you know what??

IT'S OKAY!

We all have bad days, weeks, months, years.

We all do things we're not proud of.

We all go through periods of our lives where, LITERALLY, all we're doing is holding on for dear life trying to keep it together.

And guess what?

The Sunscreen Metaphor

One of the best things about therapy is that you're in a safe place.

You can leave your inhibitions, fronts and whatever other crap you're carting around at the door.

It's a place where you can be open and honest with yourself.

Honesty with oneself, generally leads to brain waves which then lead to self discovery.

Here's the one I had the other day:

Truth: Humans need connection with other humans.

Truth: Healthy connection is only possible when healthy boundaries are in place.

Metaphor: 

Allowing myself to be open and available for connection is like going out into the sunshine.

Healthy boundaries are sunscreen.

Sun burn is the bad/sad/unhappy feelings I have when I connect without boundaries.

So lately, I've been feeling pretty sunburned.

But instead of putting on my sunscreen. (healthy boundaries)

I've just stayed in my house all day. (metaphorically)

I've been consciously avoiding lots of opportunities to connect myself with other people because I'm sick of getting burnt. 

But think about it, the sun gives us life.

Vitamin d or q or whatever it is.

Connection gives us life.

It's why God put us all on one earth together.

When I don't get connection, my mind and body seek ways to feel that need: pseudo-connection. These quick fix remedies feel good in the moment but then leave me to crash and burn.

The remedy?

Lots of sunscreen.

Healthy boundaries = healthy relationships.

Healthy relationships =healthy Natalie.

Heroes: Studio C

Two years ago, just after coming home, I went to see a psychiatrist.

She told me that I needed to watch something every day that would make me laugh.

Not a whole lot was funny to me at this point.

But these guys were.

I'd watch at least an episode a day...

And I would laugh.

God gives everyone gifts.

These peeps got the gift of humor.

And I am so grateful.

Heroes: Papa Harold

A few days after I came home from my mission, I got the flu.

Spent the whole day on the couch feeling ill and anxious.

#party

When dad came home from work that day, he suggested that I accompany him to shovel dirt at my sister's house.

And though that sounded like the worst idea ever, I went.

And it was like magic.

I sweated out all my impurities and felt good as new.

Manual labor man.

Whooda thought?

A few weeks into life at home, dad came home at 3:30 pm to find me laying in my bed, looking like a zombie.

Dad: What's wrong?

Me: Nothing.

Dad: Oh yeah? Most people who are okay aren't laying in bed at this time of day...

*throws me car keys*

Dad: Go to the gym.

And again, he was right.

I felt much better after that.

A few months later I decided to do a sprint triathlon.

Dad did too.

He never left my side.

He biked in front of me to break the wind.

When I fell off my bike and started to cry, he tough loved me into getting back up and carrying on.

During the run, (mind you, my jog is the speed of most peep's walk) he jogged backwards so he could keep pumping me up.

He wouldn't let me stop.

He stayed with me until we crossed the finish line.

That's how my dad rolls.

And I could not be more grateful.

Heroes: Shirlay

 Sometimes, life just really sucks.

Just really bad.

And that's a fact.

And admitting that is an okay thing to do.

More facts:

Misery loves company.

When your life sucks, it's oddly comforting to spend time with someone else whose life sucks.

So Shern and I (dear friends since pre-pubesance) were especially useful to each other in the early months of 2014.

We were both miserable.

So we ate out.

A lot.

Comfort food man.

It helped.

So one night we're driving back from Liberty Market and we start LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Why?

Cause we were so unhappy.

Things were really bad.

And we laaaaaughed about it.

And that helped.

We were each other's date for Valentine's that year.

It was great.

My birthday was fraught with fruitless hope.

Shern did everything she could to make it not horrendous.

I will always love her for that.

We've had years and years of amazing friendship.

Those months represent the epitome of that bond.

And though there's no way I'd ever go back and repeat that time,

because of Sheridan....

I'm glad they happened.

Heroes: Shmadeleine Rose

This little angel has my middle name.

Which is really great.

She also likes to make visits with me.

Which is also really great.

She also chooses to attend funerals of her own volition.

Which is astounding because she's like...6.

So we're at this funeral and I'm terrified that I won't be able to make it through my musical number without weeping.

It was a ROUGH funeral.

Well, it was beautiful. 

But rough for me.

Anywho, it's my turn so I grab Shmaddie's hand and have her come up to the stand with me.

She stood next to me the entire time, our hands clasped.

She didn't even have to start singing the words from me.

She gave me strength that I really needed.

Thanks Shmaddiecakes.

Heroes: The J-Money Kids

Once Upon a Time...

There were some awesome kids. Like seriously, they were a great time. They had an aunt serving a mission and would send her beautiful pictures. One day, thesekids found out that their "Nat Nat" was very sick. Not doing well at all. These angels decided to fast for her. They 'd never fasted for 24 hours before. But they did that time. For their Nat Nat.

 Abigail, Avery and Nat Nat all auditioned for a play. Abigail and Nat Nat were cast in lead roles. Avery got put in the ensemble. When she heard the news of her part, her exclamation was, "I get to be with Nat Nat!"

After Nat Nat cut her hair, she didn't exactly look like herself. The big kids wanted to make sure that Parker would still know who Nat Nat was, so they sat him down and gave him a little lesson about how Nat Nat just didn't have hair anymore, but she was still Nat Nat.

Rain is Nat Nat's favorite thing ever. So when a freak rainstorm hit Mesa and she didn't have to go to work, Nat Nat spent the day in the rain with the J-Crew. Sometimes rain could make Nat Nat a little wistful for things she didn't have yet, or memories of rain from her mission. But on this day, she was swept up in the love and joy of these fabulous humans.

Nat Nat used to be all about finding "Happily Ever After." But these days, the goal is to "Live after the manner of happiness." 

And these peeps make it a whole lot easier.

Heroes: Mah

Mom's like to fix things.

It's what they do.

They see a problem, and they fix it.

But what about when your kid comes home early from their mission?

What about when that kid is constantly moving around because that's the only way to not panic?

What about when she cuts off all her hair?

There are no quick fixes for issues such as these.

Sometimes you have to Beatle it out and just LET IT BE.

But that doesn't mean you turn your back on the problem.

On the contrary, you're there, arms outstretched, just in case someone decides to fall into them.

My mama gets this.

Over the past two years she's been my constant.

Constantly there if I need something.

Constantly supporting me in whatever I choose to do.

But not trying to fix.

She lets me feel what I'm feeling.

Lets me go through my process.

Only stepping in when asked.

That couldn't have been easy. 

Who wants to watch their kid suffer?

But my mom has faith in Christ.

And she has faith in me.

My mom loves Christ.

And she loves me.

And that's made all the difference.

Heroes: Cute Gym Guy

Today's featured hero doesn't have a name, just a title: 

Cute Gym Guy.

He used to work at 24 and I'd see him several times a week at the front desk.

After I'd log in, he'd greet me by name, smile his ADORABLE smile and my dormant heart would pitter pat a little bit.

A week or two went by and he'd greet me by name when I walked through the door.

HE REMEMBERED MY NAME.

And did I mention how darling his smile was???

Annnnyway...this was at a time in my life when I was very unhappy with my body and...everything else. long story short; my confidence was at an all time low.

Speaking to male humans was not something I did.

So looking back, these small interactions with Cute Gym Guy are a very big deal to me.

The little things he did had a large impact on a girl who really really needed it.

Thanks Cute Gym Guy. Thanks a million.

Heroes

The other day, I got a blessing.
One piece of counsel I received was to read uplifting, meaningful literature.
So I decided that I would rekindle my love for biographies.
I found a book at the good ol' MPL called "Heroes For My Daughter" by Brad Meltzer.
Every page has a picture and blurb about a hero he wants his daughter to learn from.
I learned about peeps like Abraham Lincoln, Sally Ride, the lady who created Sesame Street and the dude who hired Jackie Robinson.
Each person only got like a page.
Brad picked specific things about each person to share.
The point being that he wanted to highlight specific traits for his little girl.

The book got me thinking.
I have no shortage of heroes in my life.
I could write a book about each of them.
But Brad's technique spoke powerfully to me.

So I've decided to dedicate a blog post to each of my heroes.
I'll barely be able to scratch the surface of their greatness, but I'll highlight one or two specific things they've done or exemplified that have helped me through the last two years of my life.

First on the line up is my niece Junie.
That's right. One of my greatest heroes is a 2 year old.
June is not just any 2 year old.
She has a sixth sense.
You know how horses and dogs can relate to peeps with special needs? Sense them?
Junie's like that with mental illness.

One night she was asleep and I was babysitting.
I started to panic.
Feeling pretty horrible.
And she woke up.
And let me hold her.
For like an hour.
She knew I needed her.

Junie knows when I'm in a funk.
She'll come sit on my lap and cuddle the crankies out of me.
She has a gift.

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I've become one of her favorite people over the past year.
She comes to me first.
She wants me to do things for her instead of anyone else.
Junie chooses me.
That is validating.

On those occasions when I feel like more trouble than I'm worth, I can remember that Junie adores me.
So I must not be all that bad.

We've Got the Answers

So you do something that's really hard.

Something you didn't think was possible.

And you're like

HECK YA, GO ME!

But like...that thing you did, it didn't solve all your problems.

But you keep plugging along, acting like it did. 

You take your med, and only text your therapist so he can remind you not to do stupid things.

Then one day you realize:

I'm feeling unnecessarily horrible.

These feelings are preventable.

I've dealt with them before.

When my Self-Care Game was so strong.

It's time to make that happen again.

So I need to redefine what Self Care for Natalie means.

Let's start with what it's not:

Self-Indulgence

Self-Pity

Yes, I do need to indulge and pity myself. More frequently than you'd guess.

However, those are ingredients, not the whole freakin' recipe.

The best metaphor I've come up with is parenting.

I have the capability to parent myself-to do that really, really well.

Sometimes, a parent says, "Natalie, you've had a crazy week. Let's go shopping."

Other times they say, "That sucked. So bad. I'm so sorry you found yourself in this situation."

And still other times, "Alright champ, get that chin up, we're going to take this one step at a time."

Slowly but surely, I'm learning that sometimes the answer is "Yes" and sometimes it's "No."

But the best part is, between me and God, we've always got the answers.

Don't Forget to Look

We're steamrolling into the end of March.

This means that we're coming up on two years.

Two years since my very first panic attack.

When anniversaries like these happen, I always find myself in serious reflection.

The best part of this is that I can see 

just how far I've come.

Especially in the last year.

There were so many obstacles that seemed impossible to get through.

Now intermittently I'll find myself suddenly realizing, 

"Homegirl you thought *insert milestone here* would never happen. And it did. Like forever ago."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that 

you are getting better.

Your hard work is paying off.

You will be blessed for your efforts.

Don't forget to:

be gentle with yourself.

celebrate the small victories.

and keep God in the loop on what's happening to you.

One day, all our losses will be made up.

That day is probs not today.

But there is still joy to be found.

Don't forget to look.

Me: An Extraordinary Concept

 

The last month has been full of Anniversaries. I was dreading them. But, what do you know? With a little bit of forethought, help from a therapist and coping mechanisms, I not only survived the Holidays, I rather enjoyed them!

 

As a celebration/distraction, I took myself to California.

 

In the midst of celebrating me, I learned more about me and the power I have.

 

Mr. T hasn't been lying when he says "You are powerful."

 

During my day at California Adventure, I was plagued by horrible, intrusive thoughts. Every time I'd get on a ride, my brain would start concocting the best way to jump from the ride.

 

This TERRIFIED me. It'd been so long since Ralph had reared his ugly head. After a few hours, I was done. I text Mr. T, letting him know what was going on and he suggested some conscious self-care messages. Whenever I got on a ride I'd say to myself,

 

"I'm not going to hurt you. You are worth protecting."

 

GUYS. This ish WORKS! The problem completely dissipated as quickly as it came.

 

That was lesson #1: I have power. The love I have for myself is stronger than anything else.

 

The next day was New Years Eve which also happens to be the busiest day of the year at Disneyland.

 

I'd forgotten how much I.hate.crowds.

 

It was bad guys, I could barely function. By 2 pm I was doooone.

 

So I ignored the thoughts "You should be happy, you're at Disneyland!" "You've spent too much money on this to leave right now!" and went to the beach.

 

It.was.GLORIOUS. I can't even tell you.

 

This was lesson #2: It's okay, wonderful even, to do what I need, despite the plethora of "shoulds" reverberating through my cranium.

 

I'm completely overwhelmed by this self-knowledge and I wouldn't trade it for anything:

not even a long head of hair.