Ordinary Miracles

When I was a munchkin in age and stature, I was in a singing group called Melody Makers. That year we sang a song with these words:

"You've gotta accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative and latch on to the affirmative, don't mess with Mr. In Beerrn."

They fried themselves into my brain and come back to haunt me when I'm in danger of having tunnel vision regarding all the crud I get to deal with.

So tonight, when I feel like I have a gazillions things to whine and worry about....we'll reminisce about good stuff.

A few weeks ago I had a little fling. First one in over six months. Though it only lasted a few days, I learned a lot. Two of which are:

•How important it is to protect yourself. Have some sort of guard up so that when broken heart time comes around, you at least have something left to work with.

•There are still some gentlemen on this earth. Guys who-when you have a panic attack whilst on a date with them-will rub your back to help you calm down, let you get yourself together and then make you laugh so it can be put behind you.

My last week on the mission can accurately be described as the hardest week of my entire life. Wednesday was especially disastrous. I returned home that day to find flowers on my doorstep. I cannot adequately express the hope that those beautiful flowers gave me. They gave me the strength I needed to make the hardest decision of my life and then to follow through with it. People who have charity can help provide miracles in the lives of others.

Two weeks ago when I got taken off my meds, I was a wreck. All day I just wanted to cry, desperate for a release. But the tears never came. That evening, the moment I walked into the home of two of my most favorite humans, I burst into tears that would put most babies to shame. My brain knew that I was in a safe zone. A place where I was loved and could be taken care of.

On my first evening back in AZ, back in May, I attended a ward party that was positively CRAWLING with missionaries. I'm talkin like 4 or 5 sets. I couldn't take it anymore and proceeded to walk home in tears. As I turn onto my street, a friend of mine just happened to be driving by, seemingly late for a family party. My enthusiasm at seeing her, completely absolved my need for tears. 

There are oh so many more stops we could make on a tour down Memory Lane, but I best be headed off to bed so as to be somewhat coherent mañana.

Don't forget to accentuate the positive.

You deserve it.

It's Our Choice

So the other day I was talking to myself.

More like bossing myself around.

"Use the restroom. Then you're going to the gym." "But I don't want to." "I don't care,it's what you're doing."

So I'm looking in the mirror as I have this conversation and for some reason, I found it absolutely hysterical. The photo below is just one of the many that I took to capture the lunacy/awesomeness of the moment.

The point? 

Well, we've already established that we all have issues. I'd go as far to say that "We all have our own brand of crazy."

We also have a choice as to how we'll react to our specialness. We can ridicule and belittle ourselves, or we can laugh.

It's our choice.

Humans Say the Darndest Things

•"You're not as skinny as I thought you'd be.

•"Does your new medicine make you hyper?"

•"We need to work on this ego thing of yours."

•"You need to lose weight."

•"Whatever it is that you have, I bet you can't spell or pronounce it."

•"You lost sight of yourself when you were six years old."

•"You need to get on medication."

•"Your face is big enough to land a plane on."

•"Your walk makes you look like a guy."

Sometimes....

I get so confused and lost that I just sit in a cubicle at work and ball my eyes out. 

I let the things a six year old says get to me.

I get so angry that I hit my tablet till it does what I want.

I am so easily frustrated that I just walk away from seemingly innocent situations.

I feel like I don't have a place in anyone else's life.

I come to unpleasant conclusions that then consume my mind and give me constant anxiety and worry.

I let my addictions control me.

I decide that it's time to escape into a book or tv show, and I do.

I start to beat myself up, then I take a quick inventory and realize...all things considered, I'm doing pretty dang good.

Self Esteem: A Dead Horse

So you go along thinking: I like myself. I'm happy with me. That whole self esteem thing, not one of the many issues I'm dealing with. Holla.

Then, one of your most trusted advisors gives you a speech about how your self esteem sucks, you don't see yourself clearly yadda yadda. 

So you spend the next few days trying to figure out how you really feel about you.

THEN you realize that the reason you sometimes overcompensate and are an insufferable diva is because you're so freakin insecure about the rest of you that    you use the one thing you're sure about to protect and cover up your insecurities.

Sucks to suck.

Tonight I was at the Distinguished Young Women pageant. Basically I was beat over the head by accomplished beautiful humans. So naturally, I started thinking: 

"I don't have a huge list of accomplishments, I tend to not finish what I started, I've never 'lived up to my potential.'"

But then Rain spoke up:

"That may be true, however, think about what you do have:

•A nephew who lights up whenever you enter the room.

•A nursery buddy who only stops crying if he's in your arms.

•A bishop who trusts and relies on you.

•The knowledge that your ability to talk about your issues, is helping other people with theirs.

Yes, self esteem comes from within, not without. However, being loved and needed, means more to me than being accomplished.

It's a place to start.

My Glue

So once upon a time, my meds sucked.

So I was taken off them.

And now I'm a wreck.

It's super.

Things That Are Currently Holding Me Together

•Humor, specifically from B, my favorite work buddy. Seriously. I walked into the office this morning barely holding it together and left with a huge smile upon my face.

•Physical movement. Couldn't stay at the gym very long. Just couldn't take it. But then I took the car home and walked and walked. Then jogged home. Cleared my head quite satisfactorily.

•Prayer. I don't care what it is that you believe in: God, Allah, Bhudda, The Great Spirit, whatever it is. The knowledge that there is something bigger than yourself who is in control is an inexpressible comfort. Reach out to something in your time of need, you will be taken care of. Not necessarily right in that moment, but you will never be left alone. All things will work out for your good, just keep on trucking.

•Food. The good stuff. Lots and lots of it.

I believe in miracles. 

If they didn't happen, I wouldn't be here still, and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now despite my trials.

Figure out what will hold you together and keep on moving.

An Ode: I Do

Do you have a place you can go where your mind feels safe and you can breakdown, be understood and built up?

I do.

Do you have a friend who hears you hyperventilating on the toilet and walks into the bathroom to check on you, regardless of the fact that your drawers are dropped?

I do.

Do you have a long list of people you can call in the middle of the night to talk you out of hurting yourself?

I do.

Do you have a bosom friend who knows what you need better than you do?

I do.

Do you have a cousin who discovered that making you laugh stops your panic attacks?

I do.

Do you have people who love you enough to forgive your monster-ness?

I do.

Do you have a family, immediate and extended, that rallies around you in messy moments?

I do.

Do you have a ton of faces to call to your memory when your Ralph says "What's the point?"

I do.

Do you have a ward family that envelopes you in faith and love?

I do.

Do you have so many people that you're grateful for that you can't even fit them all in one blogpost? 

I do.

Said No One Ever

•Getting my heart broken has helped my mental illness so much!

•I hope that I get stood up by my amazing therapist today.

•I love it when I hurt so bad that it makes sense to bang my head against the floor until I go unconscious.

•I wish that my depression would last longer.

•I'm so glad that I started hyperventilating on that date!

Sarcasm. One of my favorite medications.

W-A-T ? ? ?

So you finally get on some good meds. You're feelin super. 

There's a light at the end of this freaking tunnel.

Then you have a week like this.

Filled with more panic attacks than you've had in a month and debilitating anxiety and depression.

Awesome.

Seriously though...it blows my mind how quickly one's mental health can take a turn for the worse.

One second you're thinking "I'm gonna be out of this pretty soon." And the next you're thinking "Hmmm, I'm standing on the edge of this stage...if I lean over just a bit I can crash to the ground in blissful unconciousness.

WHAT THE HECK??!??

 

But guess what...

IT'S ALL GOOD!

There is so much good, even if inwardly, I feel like I'm wandering through the Sahara Desert, there are wonderful humans all around me pouring cold, delicious water into my mouth.

May blessings be upon all of those people forever and ever.

Amen.

  

PS I just thought of something else perky.

Tonight as I was driving around feeling disgruntled, Ralph was trying to give me suggestions:

"You should go sit in front of FTH's house."

"Ralph that doesn't sound the least bit appealing."

PEOPLE!!!! Do you realize what a huge deal that thought is?!!? 

GARGANTUAN!!!!!!!

It's moments like that, that make me realize how far I've come and that even though it feels like I've stepped back...I'm also flying 1,000 feet forward.