I Am Still Alive

This has been a very hard week. 

One of the worst "brain weeks" of my life. 

The intrusive thoughts have been debilitating.

The depression has been crippling.

And the panic attacks have been nigh upon unbearable.

But in the words of Christina Perri:

"I am still alive."

Today, near the end of church I started to panic, and ache, and hurt. 

So we hustled out of there right after the "Amen." 

We went home, I took a pill and curled up on the couch.

Where I proceeded to writhe in pain for fifteen minutes.

Then, out of nowhere I started singing a Prince of Egypt song in my head:

"Deliver us, hear our call, deliver us."

And that's when I got motivated to spring into action. 

I went and ate something. 

I sat up and listened to Julie talk.

Then I turned on some peaceful music and laid down again.

Then Julie asked me to help her clean Bee's room.

So I went and laid on Bee's bed, folded clothes and told Julie where to put things.

Then Bee and E needed to pow wow about their love lives.

Then I felt motivated and ready to write the thoughts that have been accumulating this week.

What I learned most from today is how important it is to use all of the resources available to me:

Prayer, medicine, human connection, healthy habits (like eating regularly.)

And as I do my part, God does His.

Do I feel 1000% better?

No.

Am I laying on the couch writhing in pain?

No.

Am I worried about what this week hold?

Sure I am.

But do I have the tools and support system necessary to face what ever comes my way?

Absolutely.

Who Am I? (24601)

Do you ever feel like you're having an identity crisis?

No?

Just me?

Okay, that's fine. 

One of my teachers in the MTC once said, 

"You never know which version of Sister Lewis you're going to get." 

That's bugged me ever since he said it three years ago.

Especially because I know that he had a point. 

The struggle has been really real with this lately. 

There's this Natalie: 

 I enjoy her. 

Other peeps seem to enjoy her.

Then there's this Natalie:

(Ignore the hair if possible.)

I've been feeling like this a lot lately.

Especially in the morning.

Which is when most of my classes are. 

So I feel like the Natalie I'm "presenting" to the world isn't the "real" me.

But I can't just shut this personality off whenever I feel like it.

But I have noticed that when I go over to chill with the peeps at the end of my day, I start out like Poo Poo Natalie. But after being with humans who bring out the best in me, I'm myself again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to feel how you're feeling. 

It's okay if you can't change those feelings right away.

That's a really hard thing to do.

Maybe you need help.

It's okay to need help.

If there's anything I know, it's that surrounding myself with beautiful, kind, understanding humans is a sure-fire way to guarantee that I am my beautiful, kind, understanding self.

And slowly but surely, I'll find other ways to be who I want to be all the time. 

Until then, I'm just going to enjoy being me. 

Period.

Real or Not Real

One of the really special things about my brain is that I can't watch a movie or show without it messing with my mind. I'll start thinking like one of the characters, or when it's really severe, I start to confuse things about them with myself. 

I had such an experience the other night and was having a hard time sleeping as a result. So Steven suggested we play a game of Real or Not Real. 

(This is taken from Mockingjay. When Peeta gets his brain hijacked, he asks his friends things he's not sure about and they tell him if something is Real or Not Real.)

As Steven sent me these questions. I was able to come back to earth, so to speak. Come back to myself. To differentiate between fiction and reality.

Just because I need these reminders does not mean I'm a crazy person. It means my mind is very impressionable. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes learning much easier. My brain is malleable, and as long as it's in the right hands, the potential is endless.

So just remember, it's okay to get confused. Whatever you're feeling or thinking is OKAY. Why? Because that's how it is.

 Your power is endless. Start by accepting you. Then make choices, and encourage thoughts that are Real and uplifting.

Thought is Half a Choice

Have you every had those days when-regardless of the situation-the first responsive thought that pops into your cranium is the f word?
No??
Oh.
Well aren't you ever so holy!

What I'm trying to say is that we don't have a whole lot of control of our thoughts, at the beginning.
I can't control what comes on the TV. (Cable, not Netflix.)
But I have absolute power when it comes to changing the channel.

This doesn't just apply to swear words.
It applies to self-deprecation.
It applies to intrusive thoughts.

Just because I have a crazy thought, doesn't mean I'm crazy.
Period.
It's the thoughts that I choose to entertain that matters.
It's the TV channel that I choose to let play all day.

Sometimes, changing the channel is really hard.
Sometimes, I can't do it alone.
That's okay.

I reach out to my family.
I reach out to trusted friends.
I reach out to my therapist.
I reach out to my Heavenly Father and my brother Jesus Christ.

When I reach, there's always someone to grab on to.
And that is really great.

Guys! It's Okay to Lose It!

Sometimes, you'll go a long time without losing your head.

Then you do.

And it sucks.

It had been AT LEAST 6 months since I'd struggled with scary, intrusive thoughts. 

Then last weekend while I was in Utah, I got overwhelmed and my brain started telling me it might be a good idea to run my car into a wall.

NEAT.

LOL NO.

So yeah, I was pretty freaked out.

I pulled into a gas station and called Steven.

And cried. And cried. And cried.

Then I texted Mr. T just to check in what had happened.

The worst part about the whole thing was this feeling of regression.

Like all my hard work for the last 1.5 years meant nothing.

But guess what folks?

THAT'S A WHORE-MOUTHED LIE!!!!!!

Progression is progression is progression.

Slips will happen.

Mistakes will happen.

Losing your crap will happen.

But that in NO way, shape or form diminishes your progress. 

Just shovel the crap back up and keep on trucking.

You're doing so great.

So much better than you think.

It's okay man!

Like really. It's okay.

It's okay that I woke up at 8:46 for my 9:00 class.

I got there by 8:58.

It's okay!

Last night I had a great experience at the women's broadcast and dinner with my roommates.

Then I got home, felt ill and laid on the couch crying and writhing in pain.

It's okay!

I've been having to do a LOT more focused and deep breathing these days so I can hold myself together.

IT'S OKAY!

A few times this week, I didn't offer to take my roommates with me to the gym.

I really just needed some alone time to clear my head.

And that's okay!

I have needs. 

And that's okay!!

The other day, I behaved really insensitively towards a girl in my math class.

I felt awful. 

So I tried to make amends, and you know what??

IT'S OKAY!

We all have bad days, weeks, months, years.

We all do things we're not proud of.

We all go through periods of our lives where, LITERALLY, all we're doing is holding on for dear life trying to keep it together.

And guess what?

The Sunscreen Metaphor

One of the best things about therapy is that you're in a safe place.

You can leave your inhibitions, fronts and whatever other crap you're carting around at the door.

It's a place where you can be open and honest with yourself.

Honesty with oneself, generally leads to brain waves which then lead to self discovery.

Here's the one I had the other day:

Truth: Humans need connection with other humans.

Truth: Healthy connection is only possible when healthy boundaries are in place.

Metaphor: 

Allowing myself to be open and available for connection is like going out into the sunshine.

Healthy boundaries are sunscreen.

Sun burn is the bad/sad/unhappy feelings I have when I connect without boundaries.

So lately, I've been feeling pretty sunburned.

But instead of putting on my sunscreen. (healthy boundaries)

I've just stayed in my house all day. (metaphorically)

I've been consciously avoiding lots of opportunities to connect myself with other people because I'm sick of getting burnt. 

But think about it, the sun gives us life.

Vitamin d or q or whatever it is.

Connection gives us life.

It's why God put us all on one earth together.

When I don't get connection, my mind and body seek ways to feel that need: pseudo-connection. These quick fix remedies feel good in the moment but then leave me to crash and burn.

The remedy?

Lots of sunscreen.

Healthy boundaries = healthy relationships.

Healthy relationships =healthy Natalie.