Heroes: The J-Money Kids

Once Upon a Time...

There were some awesome kids. Like seriously, they were a great time. They had an aunt serving a mission and would send her beautiful pictures. One day, thesekids found out that their "Nat Nat" was very sick. Not doing well at all. These angels decided to fast for her. They 'd never fasted for 24 hours before. But they did that time. For their Nat Nat.

 Abigail, Avery and Nat Nat all auditioned for a play. Abigail and Nat Nat were cast in lead roles. Avery got put in the ensemble. When she heard the news of her part, her exclamation was, "I get to be with Nat Nat!"

After Nat Nat cut her hair, she didn't exactly look like herself. The big kids wanted to make sure that Parker would still know who Nat Nat was, so they sat him down and gave him a little lesson about how Nat Nat just didn't have hair anymore, but she was still Nat Nat.

Rain is Nat Nat's favorite thing ever. So when a freak rainstorm hit Mesa and she didn't have to go to work, Nat Nat spent the day in the rain with the J-Crew. Sometimes rain could make Nat Nat a little wistful for things she didn't have yet, or memories of rain from her mission. But on this day, she was swept up in the love and joy of these fabulous humans.

Nat Nat used to be all about finding "Happily Ever After." But these days, the goal is to "Live after the manner of happiness." 

And these peeps make it a whole lot easier.

Heroes: Mah

Mom's like to fix things.

It's what they do.

They see a problem, and they fix it.

But what about when your kid comes home early from their mission?

What about when that kid is constantly moving around because that's the only way to not panic?

What about when she cuts off all her hair?

There are no quick fixes for issues such as these.

Sometimes you have to Beatle it out and just LET IT BE.

But that doesn't mean you turn your back on the problem.

On the contrary, you're there, arms outstretched, just in case someone decides to fall into them.

My mama gets this.

Over the past two years she's been my constant.

Constantly there if I need something.

Constantly supporting me in whatever I choose to do.

But not trying to fix.

She lets me feel what I'm feeling.

Lets me go through my process.

Only stepping in when asked.

That couldn't have been easy. 

Who wants to watch their kid suffer?

But my mom has faith in Christ.

And she has faith in me.

My mom loves Christ.

And she loves me.

And that's made all the difference.

Heroes: Cute Gym Guy

Today's featured hero doesn't have a name, just a title: 

Cute Gym Guy.

He used to work at 24 and I'd see him several times a week at the front desk.

After I'd log in, he'd greet me by name, smile his ADORABLE smile and my dormant heart would pitter pat a little bit.

A week or two went by and he'd greet me by name when I walked through the door.

HE REMEMBERED MY NAME.

And did I mention how darling his smile was???

Annnnyway...this was at a time in my life when I was very unhappy with my body and...everything else. long story short; my confidence was at an all time low.

Speaking to male humans was not something I did.

So looking back, these small interactions with Cute Gym Guy are a very big deal to me.

The little things he did had a large impact on a girl who really really needed it.

Thanks Cute Gym Guy. Thanks a million.

Heroes

The other day, I got a blessing.
One piece of counsel I received was to read uplifting, meaningful literature.
So I decided that I would rekindle my love for biographies.
I found a book at the good ol' MPL called "Heroes For My Daughter" by Brad Meltzer.
Every page has a picture and blurb about a hero he wants his daughter to learn from.
I learned about peeps like Abraham Lincoln, Sally Ride, the lady who created Sesame Street and the dude who hired Jackie Robinson.
Each person only got like a page.
Brad picked specific things about each person to share.
The point being that he wanted to highlight specific traits for his little girl.

The book got me thinking.
I have no shortage of heroes in my life.
I could write a book about each of them.
But Brad's technique spoke powerfully to me.

So I've decided to dedicate a blog post to each of my heroes.
I'll barely be able to scratch the surface of their greatness, but I'll highlight one or two specific things they've done or exemplified that have helped me through the last two years of my life.

First on the line up is my niece Junie.
That's right. One of my greatest heroes is a 2 year old.
June is not just any 2 year old.
She has a sixth sense.
You know how horses and dogs can relate to peeps with special needs? Sense them?
Junie's like that with mental illness.

One night she was asleep and I was babysitting.
I started to panic.
Feeling pretty horrible.
And she woke up.
And let me hold her.
For like an hour.
She knew I needed her.

Junie knows when I'm in a funk.
She'll come sit on my lap and cuddle the crankies out of me.
She has a gift.

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I've become one of her favorite people over the past year.
She comes to me first.
She wants me to do things for her instead of anyone else.
Junie chooses me.
That is validating.

On those occasions when I feel like more trouble than I'm worth, I can remember that Junie adores me.
So I must not be all that bad.

We've Got the Answers

So you do something that's really hard.

Something you didn't think was possible.

And you're like

HECK YA, GO ME!

But like...that thing you did, it didn't solve all your problems.

But you keep plugging along, acting like it did. 

You take your med, and only text your therapist so he can remind you not to do stupid things.

Then one day you realize:

I'm feeling unnecessarily horrible.

These feelings are preventable.

I've dealt with them before.

When my Self-Care Game was so strong.

It's time to make that happen again.

So I need to redefine what Self Care for Natalie means.

Let's start with what it's not:

Self-Indulgence

Self-Pity

Yes, I do need to indulge and pity myself. More frequently than you'd guess.

However, those are ingredients, not the whole freakin' recipe.

The best metaphor I've come up with is parenting.

I have the capability to parent myself-to do that really, really well.

Sometimes, a parent says, "Natalie, you've had a crazy week. Let's go shopping."

Other times they say, "That sucked. So bad. I'm so sorry you found yourself in this situation."

And still other times, "Alright champ, get that chin up, we're going to take this one step at a time."

Slowly but surely, I'm learning that sometimes the answer is "Yes" and sometimes it's "No."

But the best part is, between me and God, we've always got the answers.

Don't Forget to Look

We're steamrolling into the end of March.

This means that we're coming up on two years.

Two years since my very first panic attack.

When anniversaries like these happen, I always find myself in serious reflection.

The best part of this is that I can see 

just how far I've come.

Especially in the last year.

There were so many obstacles that seemed impossible to get through.

Now intermittently I'll find myself suddenly realizing, 

"Homegirl you thought *insert milestone here* would never happen. And it did. Like forever ago."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that 

you are getting better.

Your hard work is paying off.

You will be blessed for your efforts.

Don't forget to:

be gentle with yourself.

celebrate the small victories.

and keep God in the loop on what's happening to you.

One day, all our losses will be made up.

That day is probs not today.

But there is still joy to be found.

Don't forget to look.

Me: An Extraordinary Concept

 

The last month has been full of Anniversaries. I was dreading them. But, what do you know? With a little bit of forethought, help from a therapist and coping mechanisms, I not only survived the Holidays, I rather enjoyed them!

 

As a celebration/distraction, I took myself to California.

 

In the midst of celebrating me, I learned more about me and the power I have.

 

Mr. T hasn't been lying when he says "You are powerful."

 

During my day at California Adventure, I was plagued by horrible, intrusive thoughts. Every time I'd get on a ride, my brain would start concocting the best way to jump from the ride.

 

This TERRIFIED me. It'd been so long since Ralph had reared his ugly head. After a few hours, I was done. I text Mr. T, letting him know what was going on and he suggested some conscious self-care messages. Whenever I got on a ride I'd say to myself,

 

"I'm not going to hurt you. You are worth protecting."

 

GUYS. This ish WORKS! The problem completely dissipated as quickly as it came.

 

That was lesson #1: I have power. The love I have for myself is stronger than anything else.

 

The next day was New Years Eve which also happens to be the busiest day of the year at Disneyland.

 

I'd forgotten how much I.hate.crowds.

 

It was bad guys, I could barely function. By 2 pm I was doooone.

 

So I ignored the thoughts "You should be happy, you're at Disneyland!" "You've spent too much money on this to leave right now!" and went to the beach.

 

It.was.GLORIOUS. I can't even tell you.

 

This was lesson #2: It's okay, wonderful even, to do what I need, despite the plethora of "shoulds" reverberating through my cranium.

 

I'm completely overwhelmed by this self-knowledge and I wouldn't trade it for anything:

not even a long head of hair.