So sleep is a hard thing for me these days. I have a hard time forcing myself to go to sleep, an even worse time falling asleep, and don't even get me started on the hellish event that we call waking up. So I'm going to post, then force myself to sleep.
There's a lot of things I want to post about, but none of it will make sense until I volunteer some more information.
So the big question when I got sick was "Why?????" My therapist from the field had a theory, and it goes a little something like this:
We all have patterns in our brain that develop as we grow up. I have several unhealthy thought patterns (codependency, attention seeking, hating/being terrified of change, avoiding taking care of myself by dealing with others etc.) The stress of the mission and being a trainer so early, pushed all these patterns into one room, so to speak, causing me to panic.
I accepted this theory. Made sense to me.
Then I came home and started seeing a new therapist who I refer to as Miss Kathy. After getting a lot of informations out of me, she formulated this theory:
I had a flashback. The night before Easter 2012, I had a bad experience with my abusive exboyfriend. (Who shall hereafter be referred to as Finn the Human, or FTH.) The night before Easter 2013, I had my first panic attack. I don't understand it completely, but according to Miss Kathy, the damage that FTH did to me psychologically all through 2012 is what's caused my panic disorder.
I honestly think that both women were correct, and understanding the "why" has really helped with the "how."
So I have a challenge for you, the next time you're tempted to get upset about something you don't understand, don't get angry or sad, get CURIOUS!
(This is my curious face.)
You're amazing Nat! LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with the 2nd theory... well maybe the 1st one a little but everyone FOREVER told me it's all just genetics and "runs in the family" however, after now seeing a true "trauma therapist" I've realized that pretty much all of our reactions and mental health issues AND even physical health issues come from some type of trauma to our brain or physical bodies during some time in our life (starting in the womb) and yes we are in a way re-playing those when certain triggers strike. It's all very confusing to me as well, but super fascinating. I'm learning about SE (Somatic Experiencing) and EMDR. Look it up or message me if you want to know more. Oh yeah and have you ever tried Seroquel?? I don't sleep without it. Even in the mission I took 2 benedryl every single night, and I thought my sleep would be great since it would be a normal pattern but nope... anyway I love Seroquel because I have horrible insomnia...but yeah like you I have to force myself to take it because I don't even start to get sleepy or want to go to bed until I do. Hang in there things are going to get better!!
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