Let's Start at the Very Beginning, a Very Good Place to Start

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Once Upon a Time, I was serving in the Massachusetts Boston Mission, 

aka The Greatest Mission In The Church. 

I love everything about the mission. 

My first transfer was a dream, my trainer, Sister "Mama" Rivera was stupendous, taught me so much and helped me love mission life. Near the end of it, my appetite starts to wane and that's kind of odd, but I don't think too much of it.

Second transfer comes, I'm still lovin' life. I get the daunting task of training a new missionary! Her name is Sister Johnson and she becomes my best friend. It's hard, stressful, we cry a lot, but we make it work.

Then on Easter Eve, everything changes. My world is turned upside down. 

SJ and I were  at the New Haven Stake Center for the Young Women broadcast. I've finished eating dinner and am sitting at the table talking to SJ and one of the YW. All of a sudden, I don't feel like me. I'm lightheaded, confused, breathing funny...lost. SJ convinces me to go to the bathroom with her. I look in the mirror and don't recognize my face. I begin to hyperventilate. My face gets hot. Then pale. We go back to the gym and tell the sister that invited us to the event that we're leaving. She senses that things are not well and walks us out to the foyer. I lay on the couch and continue to feel like I never have before. They find a nurse, when I open my eyes, her face is by mine and I burst into tears. She helps me calm down and I receive a priesthood blessing. Then SJ drives us the half hour home. Since I was the Designated Driver for the companionship, it was SJ's first time driving in Connecticut and following a GPS. It was stressful but Heavenly Father got us home safely, BLESS HIM. 

Sister Johnson got me to bed, I continued to hyperventilate and she sang me to sleep. The next morning I awoke, DETERMINED to go to church. It was EASTER SUNDAY for crying out loud!!! We had an investigator coming! SJ was supposed to give a prayer! But I felt like I'd been run over by a truck, and an elephant. So I slept. For a long time.

From that day forward, the mission was very different for me: 

I'd have at least one panic attack every day; hyperventilating and couldn't get it together until SJ called me back to reality. 

Some days I couldn't get out of bed. 

Sometimes I'd burst into tears and convulse. 

Sister Johnson started forcing me to eat regularly. 

So then I started throwing up frequently, she wasn't happy about that either, so I learned to control it. But that was the only thing I could control.

Other scary things started to happen, one day I was obsessing about death. 

On another, I was so lost, I didn't know what to do, I started banging my head against the wall.

 I frequently had thoughts, wondering what would happen if I hurt myself? What would it feel like? 

SJ and I would be driving somewhere and I'd start to lose it, she'd force me to pull over and we'd switch drivers. But then sitting there with nothing to do would make my panic worse. 

For 3 1/2 weeks, SJ and I tried to deal. I slept a lot. She'd force me out of bed. Tell me what to do one step at a time. "Get dressed Sister Lewis. Can you do that for me?"

Finally one day I was praying and I said "Heavenly Father, I'm not asking you to take this away, just please give me a way to deal with it." Less than ten minutes later I had a breakdown which lead to a monumental conversation with SJ. The end result being that I was ready to tell President Packard I was struggling and to get help.

That seems like a good place to pause the story. There's plenty more, but it's past my bedtime. 

Thanks for hanging in there with me! Feel free to comment and discuss. My hope for this blog is that we can all be open, honest and be uplifted. 

Much love to you all.