So sleep is a hard thing for me these days. I have a hard time forcing myself to go to sleep, an even worse time falling asleep, and don't even get me started on the hellish event that we call waking up. So I'm going to post, then force myself to sleep.
There's a lot of things I want to post about, but none of it will make sense until I volunteer some more information.
So the big question when I got sick was "Why?????" My therapist from the field had a theory, and it goes a little something like this:
We all have patterns in our brain that develop as we grow up. I have several unhealthy thought patterns (codependency, attention seeking, hating/being terrified of change, avoiding taking care of myself by dealing with others etc.) The stress of the mission and being a trainer so early, pushed all these patterns into one room, so to speak, causing me to panic.
I accepted this theory. Made sense to me.
Then I came home and started seeing a new therapist who I refer to as Miss Kathy. After getting a lot of informations out of me, she formulated this theory:
I had a flashback. The night before Easter 2012, I had a bad experience with my abusive exboyfriend. (Who shall hereafter be referred to as Finn the Human, or FTH.) The night before Easter 2013, I had my first panic attack. I don't understand it completely, but according to Miss Kathy, the damage that FTH did to me psychologically all through 2012 is what's caused my panic disorder.
I honestly think that both women were correct, and understanding the "why" has really helped with the "how."
So I have a challenge for you, the next time you're tempted to get upset about something you don't understand, don't get angry or sad, get CURIOUS!
(This is my curious face.)
