Thought is Half a Choice

Have you every had those days when-regardless of the situation-the first responsive thought that pops into your cranium is the f word?
No??
Oh.
Well aren't you ever so holy!

What I'm trying to say is that we don't have a whole lot of control of our thoughts, at the beginning.
I can't control what comes on the TV. (Cable, not Netflix.)
But I have absolute power when it comes to changing the channel.

This doesn't just apply to swear words.
It applies to self-deprecation.
It applies to intrusive thoughts.

Just because I have a crazy thought, doesn't mean I'm crazy.
Period.
It's the thoughts that I choose to entertain that matters.
It's the TV channel that I choose to let play all day.

Sometimes, changing the channel is really hard.
Sometimes, I can't do it alone.
That's okay.

I reach out to my family.
I reach out to trusted friends.
I reach out to my therapist.
I reach out to my Heavenly Father and my brother Jesus Christ.

When I reach, there's always someone to grab on to.
And that is really great.

Guys! It's Okay to Lose It!

Sometimes, you'll go a long time without losing your head.

Then you do.

And it sucks.

It had been AT LEAST 6 months since I'd struggled with scary, intrusive thoughts. 

Then last weekend while I was in Utah, I got overwhelmed and my brain started telling me it might be a good idea to run my car into a wall.

NEAT.

LOL NO.

So yeah, I was pretty freaked out.

I pulled into a gas station and called Steven.

And cried. And cried. And cried.

Then I texted Mr. T just to check in what had happened.

The worst part about the whole thing was this feeling of regression.

Like all my hard work for the last 1.5 years meant nothing.

But guess what folks?

THAT'S A WHORE-MOUTHED LIE!!!!!!

Progression is progression is progression.

Slips will happen.

Mistakes will happen.

Losing your crap will happen.

But that in NO way, shape or form diminishes your progress. 

Just shovel the crap back up and keep on trucking.

You're doing so great.

So much better than you think.

It's okay man!

Like really. It's okay.

It's okay that I woke up at 8:46 for my 9:00 class.

I got there by 8:58.

It's okay!

Last night I had a great experience at the women's broadcast and dinner with my roommates.

Then I got home, felt ill and laid on the couch crying and writhing in pain.

It's okay!

I've been having to do a LOT more focused and deep breathing these days so I can hold myself together.

IT'S OKAY!

A few times this week, I didn't offer to take my roommates with me to the gym.

I really just needed some alone time to clear my head.

And that's okay!

I have needs. 

And that's okay!!

The other day, I behaved really insensitively towards a girl in my math class.

I felt awful. 

So I tried to make amends, and you know what??

IT'S OKAY!

We all have bad days, weeks, months, years.

We all do things we're not proud of.

We all go through periods of our lives where, LITERALLY, all we're doing is holding on for dear life trying to keep it together.

And guess what?

The Sunscreen Metaphor

One of the best things about therapy is that you're in a safe place.

You can leave your inhibitions, fronts and whatever other crap you're carting around at the door.

It's a place where you can be open and honest with yourself.

Honesty with oneself, generally leads to brain waves which then lead to self discovery.

Here's the one I had the other day:

Truth: Humans need connection with other humans.

Truth: Healthy connection is only possible when healthy boundaries are in place.

Metaphor: 

Allowing myself to be open and available for connection is like going out into the sunshine.

Healthy boundaries are sunscreen.

Sun burn is the bad/sad/unhappy feelings I have when I connect without boundaries.

So lately, I've been feeling pretty sunburned.

But instead of putting on my sunscreen. (healthy boundaries)

I've just stayed in my house all day. (metaphorically)

I've been consciously avoiding lots of opportunities to connect myself with other people because I'm sick of getting burnt. 

But think about it, the sun gives us life.

Vitamin d or q or whatever it is.

Connection gives us life.

It's why God put us all on one earth together.

When I don't get connection, my mind and body seek ways to feel that need: pseudo-connection. These quick fix remedies feel good in the moment but then leave me to crash and burn.

The remedy?

Lots of sunscreen.

Healthy boundaries = healthy relationships.

Healthy relationships =healthy Natalie.

Heroes: Studio C

Two years ago, just after coming home, I went to see a psychiatrist.

She told me that I needed to watch something every day that would make me laugh.

Not a whole lot was funny to me at this point.

But these guys were.

I'd watch at least an episode a day...

And I would laugh.

God gives everyone gifts.

These peeps got the gift of humor.

And I am so grateful.

Heroes: Papa Harold

A few days after I came home from my mission, I got the flu.

Spent the whole day on the couch feeling ill and anxious.

#party

When dad came home from work that day, he suggested that I accompany him to shovel dirt at my sister's house.

And though that sounded like the worst idea ever, I went.

And it was like magic.

I sweated out all my impurities and felt good as new.

Manual labor man.

Whooda thought?

A few weeks into life at home, dad came home at 3:30 pm to find me laying in my bed, looking like a zombie.

Dad: What's wrong?

Me: Nothing.

Dad: Oh yeah? Most people who are okay aren't laying in bed at this time of day...

*throws me car keys*

Dad: Go to the gym.

And again, he was right.

I felt much better after that.

A few months later I decided to do a sprint triathlon.

Dad did too.

He never left my side.

He biked in front of me to break the wind.

When I fell off my bike and started to cry, he tough loved me into getting back up and carrying on.

During the run, (mind you, my jog is the speed of most peep's walk) he jogged backwards so he could keep pumping me up.

He wouldn't let me stop.

He stayed with me until we crossed the finish line.

That's how my dad rolls.

And I could not be more grateful.

Heroes: Shirlay

 Sometimes, life just really sucks.

Just really bad.

And that's a fact.

And admitting that is an okay thing to do.

More facts:

Misery loves company.

When your life sucks, it's oddly comforting to spend time with someone else whose life sucks.

So Shern and I (dear friends since pre-pubesance) were especially useful to each other in the early months of 2014.

We were both miserable.

So we ate out.

A lot.

Comfort food man.

It helped.

So one night we're driving back from Liberty Market and we start LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Why?

Cause we were so unhappy.

Things were really bad.

And we laaaaaughed about it.

And that helped.

We were each other's date for Valentine's that year.

It was great.

My birthday was fraught with fruitless hope.

Shern did everything she could to make it not horrendous.

I will always love her for that.

We've had years and years of amazing friendship.

Those months represent the epitome of that bond.

And though there's no way I'd ever go back and repeat that time,

because of Sheridan....

I'm glad they happened.