You Have the Answers

 

 

Once upon a time, I was feeling horrid.

I walked into therapy and told Mr. T that I wanted to die.

We tried talking about what was bothering me but I just couldn't express it.

I was starting to shut down, and Mr. T knew it.

So we took a different approach.

 

What I'm about to describe is called "somatic experiencing."

It sounds really weird, (and it kinda is) but it works.

Quite simply, you just walk through an experience in your mind and then your body reaps the benefits.

At least that's how it's been for me.

 

Mr. T talked me through it. I closed my eyes and he had me picture the me I'd be in a few months. I just watched her for awhile. Then I went to meet "me" in five years. Dang that girl is neat. I observed her for awhile. Then we had a nice chit-chat. I asked her some questions, she gave me a hug and assured me that I'd make it-she would know! Afterwards, I went back and talked to "me" in a few months and let her know what she needed to know.

 

By the time I opened my eyes, the pain in my chest was gone.

I had answers.

And they came from ME!

 

It was a very empowering feeling, one that I've worked hard not to lose.

YOU are the best person to get answers for YOU.

Sometimes we need guidance, someone to "hold the space for us," but never underestimate the power that YOU have.

Dang it! Be NICE!

Fun Fact: Messages written from old trauma determine the way we see current trauma.

Mr. T and I are currently working our way through my trauma egg (basically it's a big oval filled with pictures that represents past experiences) and as I tell each story, we determine what I learned-positive and negative-from that experience. 

So we started today's session by talking about my most current issue: losing my job. 

The big problem with that was the messages that were being written in my mind.

When we got into the trauma egg, I realized that messages written in my head at say..age 10 are still alive and well, effecting the way I view myself and operate today. 

We have to be SO CAREFUL about how we talk to ourselves. One destructive thought breeds another, which breeds another and makes us downright miserable.

WHO EVEN WANTS THAT??

#notthisguy

Chalk It Up

I bought a new nightgown tonight. So obviously I can't go to bed until it's clean and I can wear it to Dreamland. To kill the time I redid my chalk board. Poured some water onto some dirty laundry and scrubbed that thing till it was a clean slate. Then it was time to create again. Gosh I love that.

Everything on the board is a  lesson that I've learned/am learning/want to learn.

*The key to success is learning to be comfortable with discomfort.

I learned this one in the month of June while I rigorously endeavored to shift my work performance from the mediocre ----> poor range, to FREAKING exceptional. I don't ever go into work now, thinking it's going to be an easy day. I look at every single task as an achievable obstacle, one I really have to stretch for. "There's no growth in a comfort zone and there's no comfort in a growth zone."

*The phrase "I can't live without him" is TOTAL BS. You may not be as happy for a time, but gosh dangit you'll survive!" (This of course does not apply to us and Jesus, or to sweet old couples that have been together since dinosaurs roamed the earth.)

Literality is not a bad thing. It's actually quite healthy to use precise language. 

*You would never call another human "fat, ugly, unloveable, crazy, retarded," so why would you say that to yourself?

Learning to be my own friend is something I'm still working on. If I treated my friends the way I treat myself sometimes, not only would I be friendless, but someone would probs have already busted a cap in my face. An extra bonus is that once we're able to love and care for ourselves, our capacity to do so for others increases exponentially.

*All you really HAVE to do is keep breathing. Everything else is your choice.

Had this concept introduced to me in group this week. If I really wanted to, I could literally sit still all day, not eat, poop my pants, do NADA. Yes, there would be huge consequences, but I really don't HAVE to do anything. When I do something besides survive, it's my choice and I should treat is as such. Why would I grumble and have cheese and whine about something I chose??

*Someone's watching over you.

I've always known this one. But it gets reintroduced to me every single day.

*According to your faith, you will be made whole.

It's all over the scriptures, so it must apply to me.

*That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

See "The Fault in Our Stars" for further explanation.

*God will give you more than you can bear. He'll give you enough tribulation so that letting Him bear it will be your only option.

This concept, gleaned from a truly inspired blog post, revolutionized the way I look at trials.

Learned Things I Have

*Attitude either kills you or gives your wings.

*Like..I've always known I can do hard things...but guys...I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

*It's okay to sit in a pile of crap for a second before you rush off to try to fix it.

*Running away does ZERO good for any situation.

*It's okay to acknowledge your limitations. I LITERALLY cannot be perky ALL THE TIME. So I made a deal with my boss, I'm allowed to be grumpy for the first half hour of my work day. (Barely anyone else is in the office and I'm not dealing with customers yet.) SO IT WORKS.

*You have to figure out what works for you.

*Once you've done that, you HAVE to clue other humans in to what you need. Despite what you may think, no one can actually read your mind.

*Control and responsibility are like Siamese twins, you can't get one without the other. (And if you try, you'll probs kill them both.)

*Anxiety is a disorder of avoidance. So now when I feel anxious, I take a quick inventory, "What are you avoiding home girl???" Then I decide whether or not it's possible to stop avoiding it. This has been a very new and rewarding concept for me.

#gamechangers

Your Voice Will Set You Free

I started working with a new therapist about a month ago.

He's great.

Good crud is happening. 

I'm a fan.

We had a major breakthrough yesterday.

Fun Fact: When you hold on to pain and hurt within a relationship, you begin to subconsciously start disassociating from that person. Mr. T (my therapist) noticed that this was happening with someone who plays a very crucial part in my life. Every time Mr. T brought up this human, my face would change, he could see the wall go up. 

So when Mr. T told me yesterday that he was going to take on the role of that person so I could speak my feelings....I was not pleased. Like I can't remember ever wanting to do something a therapist suggested less than I did at this point...but my oh my did it pay off.

I started off stoically, my sentences clipped and emotionless. But Mr. T was amazingly convincing and he said something that REALLY set me off. I burst into tears and started yelling. 

I started EXPRESSING myself.

You: Natalie, you express yourself all the time.

Me: Not on this particular topic and never directly to this person.

You: Well it wasn't technically direct...

Me: It might as well have been considering how helpful it was.

I'd been suppressing thoughts and feelings for so long that they exploded out of me like a volcano. I was finally able to say things that had been plaguing me for years. All that raw, pent up energy was able to be released.

And I felt such relief.

When Mr. T became Mr. T again, we had a really nice chat about why those thoughts and feelings were such a struggle and it occurred to me...I was judging myself. I thought it was wrong of me to feel the way I did.

Fun Fact: With feelings, there's no "right" or "wrong." It's just how you feel. You can't really control it, so the best way to go is to accept and even validate your feelings.

It's not about blaming, it's about acknowledging.

The second we acknowledge how we're feeling and allow ourselves to have a voice, we're able to taste a little bit of that intoxicating and exhilarating feeling that we all seek...

Freedom.

A Day of Birth

Today is my 21st birthday.

Woo hoo.

 

It's gotten me thinking about the last year of my life quite a bit.

Everything that's gone down...

It's a mixed bag.

 

On the one hand, this has been the hardest year of my life to date.

I've also seen remarkable miracles, especially within myself.

 

That's nice.

Really nice.

 

Let's take a look at the goodness shall we?

 

20 Great Things that Happened in my 20th Year

 

1. Once upon a time I was walking through Sky Harbor Airport, home, 13 1/2 months earlier than I'd originally planned. I started to panic. Bad. Shaking, hyperventilating, the works. As I got closer to the edge of the gate, I saw a sight for sore eyes: my mom and my sisters. The panic dissipated, and being home, for the first time, looked like a good thing.

 

2. I left a ward party early because it was swarming with missionaries. As I was about to dissolve into a puddle of tears, a dear friend of mine just happened to be driving down my street. Puddle crisis averted.

 

3. Another puddle crisis almost happened the very next day when, whaddya know, two of my best friends showed up at my house just as I was about to lose it.

 

4. I started singing again. Taking that voice class at MCC was one of the best decisions I made all year.

 

5. I began writing this blog. Therapy at it's finest.

 

6. I learned that having a mental health problem is not something to be ashamed of. It's just a part of me, like my dark hair and blue eyes.

 

7. BUT that doesn't mean it has to be my defining characteristic.

 

8. I strengthened my relationships with my nieces and nephews.

 

9. I trained for and ran a sprint triathlon in less than my goal time.

 

10. I got my first full time job.

 

11. I got teach my activity day girls about true beauty. (A bald head is a great object lesson)

 

12. I went back to school.

 

13. I learned that when you've hit rock bottom, the only way to look is...UP.

 

14. I became a mother to an adorable hamster. She taught me to like animals again. (RIP Stella)

 

15. I got back on stage. Having a lead role in Saturday's Warrior was more healing than I could ever tell you.

 

16. The pieces of my personality have started falling back into place.

 

17.  I fell off a back, jacked my back, and got it fixed.

 

18. I learned how to control (for the most part) my panic attacks.

 

19. I've learned the skill of smiling when it's a necessity and crying when it's a luxury.

 

20. I'm still Natalie, not the same one...but she's still pretty great.

 

Here's to another year of growth.

 

Come at me 21!!!

Happy Panicversary

Yesterday marked a year since my very first panic attack.

Happy Panicversary to me!!!!

(Yes, that is totes a thing.)

Of course, my initial thoughts on this subject are a little (read: VERY) negative, sad, regretful etc.

If you've read this blog for awhile then you know the basic story about that day. But what I never took the time to write about were the miracles associated with it.

So here are a few miracles that surrounded the beginning of the hardest trial of my life:

SJ and the Invisible Force

As you know, SJ (Sister Johnson, my greenie) and I were at the YW's broadcast when I first started to panic. The building this was being held at was in Woodbridge CT, a good 30 minute drive from our home of Clinton. I was the designated driver so SJ had never driven back East. However, after I started to lose it there was no way I was going to be able to get us home safely. SJ was terrified. We said a prayer before we left the building and I curled up on the front seat, with the window down trying to clear my head.

SJ is a great driver, but it had been awhile and this was all new to her. She'd also never used a GPS before. We did okay until we were on the freeway and kept getting off at the wrong place and having to get back on. Mind you, we're both freezing (this is CT, in March, with the windows down) I feel like I'm going to die, and SJ is under the pressure of getting her companion to safety before she completely loses it. 

As SJ came to a point where there needed to be a lane change, she was unaware of that fact. But our car moved over, right where we needed it to be. Heavenly Father knew SJ was doing her best, and He decided to step in to get us home safe.

The Phone Call

The next day was one of the worst of my entire life. I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and run over by a herd of elephants. I could barely move, so SJ and I had to miss Easter Sunday. It was HORRID. I slept most of the day, then later we went on a walk, knowing I was in no condition to do much else. As we were walking, I was overcome by this desire for someone, ANYONE to call us. I just really wanted our phone to ring. So so badly. I still don't really know why, I probably just wanted proof that someone was aware of how horrid we were feeling. After we got home I cried about this to SJ and she said a prayer that someone would call us.

Less than 3 minutes after we'd said amen, our phone rang. It was our sweet ward mission later and his wife, wanting to pay us a visit. They came over, brought us Easter candy and flowers and just visited for a few minutes. And, oh what a small world, our mission leader had had multiple panic attacks in his life. After that night, I knew, more than I ever had in my life that God is aware of me and that He loves me unconditionally.

The Moral

There's a common theme in both these stories. A mutual factor that, in my opinion, is the real miracle: my dear SJ. That is another testimony that the Lord is truly in control of His work. He knew I would need SJ that night and during the days that followed. He put us together, despite the fact that we were both so new.

It's hard to describe how healing this has been for me; to look at the good things surrounding a time that still haunts me. If we look hard enough we can always find something to be grateful for. That's not a trite, Mormon concept, it really does help us to heal and be made whole.

So when your next horrible "versary" comes up, my suggestion to you is to revisit those memories from a different perspective. Be a detective looking for the clues that point to growth, peace and happiness. That way you can smile through your tears and be reminded that every difficult road you've walked has led you to where you're at today. And if you're not crazy about the road you're currently on?

A. Join the club.

B. Make a plan to change the things you can. (Baby steps)

C. Find the good stuff.

D. Keep on walking, in your way and in your own time.

And most importantly:

Remember that you're loved, and that there is ALWAYS hope.