Learned Things I Have

*Attitude either kills you or gives your wings.

*Like..I've always known I can do hard things...but guys...I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

*It's okay to sit in a pile of crap for a second before you rush off to try to fix it.

*Running away does ZERO good for any situation.

*It's okay to acknowledge your limitations. I LITERALLY cannot be perky ALL THE TIME. So I made a deal with my boss, I'm allowed to be grumpy for the first half hour of my work day. (Barely anyone else is in the office and I'm not dealing with customers yet.) SO IT WORKS.

*You have to figure out what works for you.

*Once you've done that, you HAVE to clue other humans in to what you need. Despite what you may think, no one can actually read your mind.

*Control and responsibility are like Siamese twins, you can't get one without the other. (And if you try, you'll probs kill them both.)

*Anxiety is a disorder of avoidance. So now when I feel anxious, I take a quick inventory, "What are you avoiding home girl???" Then I decide whether or not it's possible to stop avoiding it. This has been a very new and rewarding concept for me.

#gamechangers

Your Voice Will Set You Free

I started working with a new therapist about a month ago.

He's great.

Good crud is happening. 

I'm a fan.

We had a major breakthrough yesterday.

Fun Fact: When you hold on to pain and hurt within a relationship, you begin to subconsciously start disassociating from that person. Mr. T (my therapist) noticed that this was happening with someone who plays a very crucial part in my life. Every time Mr. T brought up this human, my face would change, he could see the wall go up. 

So when Mr. T told me yesterday that he was going to take on the role of that person so I could speak my feelings....I was not pleased. Like I can't remember ever wanting to do something a therapist suggested less than I did at this point...but my oh my did it pay off.

I started off stoically, my sentences clipped and emotionless. But Mr. T was amazingly convincing and he said something that REALLY set me off. I burst into tears and started yelling. 

I started EXPRESSING myself.

You: Natalie, you express yourself all the time.

Me: Not on this particular topic and never directly to this person.

You: Well it wasn't technically direct...

Me: It might as well have been considering how helpful it was.

I'd been suppressing thoughts and feelings for so long that they exploded out of me like a volcano. I was finally able to say things that had been plaguing me for years. All that raw, pent up energy was able to be released.

And I felt such relief.

When Mr. T became Mr. T again, we had a really nice chat about why those thoughts and feelings were such a struggle and it occurred to me...I was judging myself. I thought it was wrong of me to feel the way I did.

Fun Fact: With feelings, there's no "right" or "wrong." It's just how you feel. You can't really control it, so the best way to go is to accept and even validate your feelings.

It's not about blaming, it's about acknowledging.

The second we acknowledge how we're feeling and allow ourselves to have a voice, we're able to taste a little bit of that intoxicating and exhilarating feeling that we all seek...

Freedom.

A Day of Birth

Today is my 21st birthday.

Woo hoo.

 

It's gotten me thinking about the last year of my life quite a bit.

Everything that's gone down...

It's a mixed bag.

 

On the one hand, this has been the hardest year of my life to date.

I've also seen remarkable miracles, especially within myself.

 

That's nice.

Really nice.

 

Let's take a look at the goodness shall we?

 

20 Great Things that Happened in my 20th Year

 

1. Once upon a time I was walking through Sky Harbor Airport, home, 13 1/2 months earlier than I'd originally planned. I started to panic. Bad. Shaking, hyperventilating, the works. As I got closer to the edge of the gate, I saw a sight for sore eyes: my mom and my sisters. The panic dissipated, and being home, for the first time, looked like a good thing.

 

2. I left a ward party early because it was swarming with missionaries. As I was about to dissolve into a puddle of tears, a dear friend of mine just happened to be driving down my street. Puddle crisis averted.

 

3. Another puddle crisis almost happened the very next day when, whaddya know, two of my best friends showed up at my house just as I was about to lose it.

 

4. I started singing again. Taking that voice class at MCC was one of the best decisions I made all year.

 

5. I began writing this blog. Therapy at it's finest.

 

6. I learned that having a mental health problem is not something to be ashamed of. It's just a part of me, like my dark hair and blue eyes.

 

7. BUT that doesn't mean it has to be my defining characteristic.

 

8. I strengthened my relationships with my nieces and nephews.

 

9. I trained for and ran a sprint triathlon in less than my goal time.

 

10. I got my first full time job.

 

11. I got teach my activity day girls about true beauty. (A bald head is a great object lesson)

 

12. I went back to school.

 

13. I learned that when you've hit rock bottom, the only way to look is...UP.

 

14. I became a mother to an adorable hamster. She taught me to like animals again. (RIP Stella)

 

15. I got back on stage. Having a lead role in Saturday's Warrior was more healing than I could ever tell you.

 

16. The pieces of my personality have started falling back into place.

 

17.  I fell off a back, jacked my back, and got it fixed.

 

18. I learned how to control (for the most part) my panic attacks.

 

19. I've learned the skill of smiling when it's a necessity and crying when it's a luxury.

 

20. I'm still Natalie, not the same one...but she's still pretty great.

 

Here's to another year of growth.

 

Come at me 21!!!

Happy Panicversary

Yesterday marked a year since my very first panic attack.

Happy Panicversary to me!!!!

(Yes, that is totes a thing.)

Of course, my initial thoughts on this subject are a little (read: VERY) negative, sad, regretful etc.

If you've read this blog for awhile then you know the basic story about that day. But what I never took the time to write about were the miracles associated with it.

So here are a few miracles that surrounded the beginning of the hardest trial of my life:

SJ and the Invisible Force

As you know, SJ (Sister Johnson, my greenie) and I were at the YW's broadcast when I first started to panic. The building this was being held at was in Woodbridge CT, a good 30 minute drive from our home of Clinton. I was the designated driver so SJ had never driven back East. However, after I started to lose it there was no way I was going to be able to get us home safely. SJ was terrified. We said a prayer before we left the building and I curled up on the front seat, with the window down trying to clear my head.

SJ is a great driver, but it had been awhile and this was all new to her. She'd also never used a GPS before. We did okay until we were on the freeway and kept getting off at the wrong place and having to get back on. Mind you, we're both freezing (this is CT, in March, with the windows down) I feel like I'm going to die, and SJ is under the pressure of getting her companion to safety before she completely loses it. 

As SJ came to a point where there needed to be a lane change, she was unaware of that fact. But our car moved over, right where we needed it to be. Heavenly Father knew SJ was doing her best, and He decided to step in to get us home safe.

The Phone Call

The next day was one of the worst of my entire life. I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck and run over by a herd of elephants. I could barely move, so SJ and I had to miss Easter Sunday. It was HORRID. I slept most of the day, then later we went on a walk, knowing I was in no condition to do much else. As we were walking, I was overcome by this desire for someone, ANYONE to call us. I just really wanted our phone to ring. So so badly. I still don't really know why, I probably just wanted proof that someone was aware of how horrid we were feeling. After we got home I cried about this to SJ and she said a prayer that someone would call us.

Less than 3 minutes after we'd said amen, our phone rang. It was our sweet ward mission later and his wife, wanting to pay us a visit. They came over, brought us Easter candy and flowers and just visited for a few minutes. And, oh what a small world, our mission leader had had multiple panic attacks in his life. After that night, I knew, more than I ever had in my life that God is aware of me and that He loves me unconditionally.

The Moral

There's a common theme in both these stories. A mutual factor that, in my opinion, is the real miracle: my dear SJ. That is another testimony that the Lord is truly in control of His work. He knew I would need SJ that night and during the days that followed. He put us together, despite the fact that we were both so new.

It's hard to describe how healing this has been for me; to look at the good things surrounding a time that still haunts me. If we look hard enough we can always find something to be grateful for. That's not a trite, Mormon concept, it really does help us to heal and be made whole.

So when your next horrible "versary" comes up, my suggestion to you is to revisit those memories from a different perspective. Be a detective looking for the clues that point to growth, peace and happiness. That way you can smile through your tears and be reminded that every difficult road you've walked has led you to where you're at today. And if you're not crazy about the road you're currently on?

A. Join the club.

B. Make a plan to change the things you can. (Baby steps)

C. Find the good stuff.

D. Keep on walking, in your way and in your own time.

And most importantly:

Remember that you're loved, and that there is ALWAYS hope.

Animal Tendancies

Tonight at group therapy we read a story that really hit home with me.

A man was looking at an elephant and noticed that there was a rope tied to its front leg. It was obvious that the elephant had the strength to break free of the rope. So the man asked the trainer about it. The trainer explained that when the elephants are babies they're tied with the same rope in the same way and can't break free. So the elephant grows up and is conditioned to think that it doesn't have the capability to break the rope.

The same is true of us. We all grow up with some kind of belief about ourselves, unwittingly allowing it to hold us back while, ALL ALONG, we have the strength and ability to break free!

This month in group we're learning about our core beliefs and learning how they affect the way we operate. Let me tell you...

IT IS DOWNRIGHT 

TERRIFYING AND PAINFUL.

But the sooner I choose to break free of these beliefs, the happier I'll be. I'll be able to avoid the hamster wheel that these beliefs keep me on.

And let's be real, I'm not a hamster or an elephant. 

I'm a human.

Smells Like Success

This is how I feel after today.

Nothing I did felt good enough.

I couldn't win, no matter how I tried.

And that's exhausting.

 

Tonight at therapy I couldn't sit still.

I could barely hear what everyone was saying.

During the break I just curled up on the floor and shook.

Didn't get much out of tonight.

 

Good news though:

I DON'T SUCK.

Really. I don't.

Even after a day like today, I can openly admit that I'm still moderately awesome.

 

Smells like success to me.

Mental Illness Illustrated

When you find out someone you don't usually associate with is going through something similar to you:

 

 

 

When someone who has no idea what they're talking about tries to explain it away:

 

 

 

  When you get into the mindset that no one will be able to love the "crazy person" that you've become:

 

 

 

When you have a great session of therapy or go a day without a panic attack:
 

 

 

When you wake up in a funk:
 

 

 

When you wake up and realize you have to function for at least 14 hours before you can lay down again:
 

 

 

When someone tells you about a new treatment that sounds like it could work for you:
 

 

 

When your therapist can't remember something you've told them at least 25 times:
 

 

 

When at the end of the day, you have nothing left, so you go to the one person who knows exactly what you're feeling, how you're dealing with it, and still loves you.