So That's Where We're At

I hurt. 

I ache.

You know what's the worst?

When you have these deep-rooted {untrue} beliefs about yourself, implanted ever so firmly in your brain, AND THEN

something happens that confirms those beliefs!

So not only are you dealing with the pain of the situation.

You're also filled with these feelings of dread, weakness, and insecurity.

Because all the negative things you've thought about yourself have now been confirmed.

Right?

Wrong.

But it isn't easy to convince yourself of that. 

So where to begin?

Learn what you can trust and believe.

I can't always trust my thoughts.

But I can trust my roommate when she disproves my beliefs.

I can trust my best friend when she tells me that I'm not crazy.

I can trust that my brother Jesus Christ loves me perfectly. 

I can trust that I'm a daughter of God, and He doesn't make mistakes. 

I Don't Believe in Coincidences

It's been a really rough week.
Physically.
Academically.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Tonight I was feeling especially horrible.
Like I couldn't do anything right and trying was just too hard.

I almost elected to go home and bum around.
But I stuck to the original plan and went to Battle of the Dance with  Banana Crust.
At one point, a girl came on stage to introduce her dance and told us her story.

She had to come home early from her mission.
Because of anxiety.
Depression.
And panic attacks.
Her name was Natalie.

Natalie turned to dance to help her heal.
The routine she performed was meant to demonstrate that beauty can come from pain.
It was absolutely beautiful.
I cried the whole time.
And enthusiastically joined more than half of the auditorium in giving her a much deserved standing ovation.

This was such a gift.
I left that auditorium feeling completely different than I did when I walked in.
I could function again.
I felt loved, valued, and known.

Miracles have not ceased.
Not in my life.
Not in yours.

Good Company

Tonight I am truly amazed.

I'm amazed by the amount and variety of triggers I experience.

Generally speaking, my triggers are physical or emotional pain, some social situations, and feeling a lack of control. These are pretty broad and can be broken down into endless facets. Take tonight's triggers for example:

*A small, constant pain in my side.*

*Not receiving things I didn't ask for from people I shouldn't be asking in the first place.*

*Being unable to find a marker cap.*

*Placing my face in the duvet and smelling someone from my past.*

One nice thing about this is the fact that I can pinpoint each trigger. Once upon a time, that was a virtual impossibility. If I can't stop myself from feeling crappy, at least I can know why I'm feeling crappy.

This blog started out as hardcore therapy for me. Anytime I felt severely anxious, depressed, or unsettled, I wrote. Over the years, it's evolved into a place where I share the things I've learned in an effort to buoy up not only  myself but others who face their own demons. Even if it's just a venting post, I try to teach something, to bring some small measure of hope.

Tonight however,  the best I can do is to say that if you feel crappy, overwhelmed, and a little bit crazy right now.....you're in good company.

I Have

Do you know what it's like to feel trapped inside your own head?
Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and not recognize the face you see?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from the world around you?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from yourself?

I do.
It's freaking terrifying.

Do you have a hard time enjoying the good times because you know they won't last?
Do you expect and welcome misery when it inevitably comes?
Do you have a hard time trusting others with your pain?
Do you worry that you'll wear them out and they'll (justifiably) give up on you?
Do you find yourself wanting to push their limits, test them, to find out if they'll abandon you?

I do.
It's incredibly lonely.

Do you know how hard it is to choose hope instead of reveling in despair?
Do you know how hard it is to choose action rather than reaction?
Do you know how hard it is to know what you should do to help yourself, but not have the desire or energy to do that thing?
Do you know how hard it is to let go of those things that held you together for so long, though you always knew they were only a temporary solution?

I do.
It seems impossible.

Do you ever feel like you've failed the people who love you most?
Do you ever feel like your struggles aren't real or valid because they aren't "as bad" as someone else's?
Do you ever feel like there is nowhere to turn?
Do you ever feel like your pain will never end?

I do.
It makes me feel hopeless.

Have you asked God to send His angels to attend you?
Have you asked Him to remove the darkness that surrounds you?
Have you ever screamed, "I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING" in place of a prayer?
Have you gotten in the daily habit of asking to be made whole?

I have.
And that's how I keep going.

A Love Letter to Me

It's a rough night.
It's been a rough week.
Month.
Semester.

In an attempt to process some feelings, I started working on a writing assignment given to me by my new therapist.

There are 5 categories. You start by expressing your feelings of:

1. anger and blame
2. hurt and sadness
3. fear, insecurity and loneliness
4. guilt and responsibility
5. love, forgiveness, understanding and desire

If at any point you feel emotions from a previous category, you go back up and let it all out, working down to the bottom.

What was cool is that when I got to that last level, one of the prompts was:

"I love you because..."

And I felt strongly that I needed to direct that part to me.

Jesus taught us to love others as we love ourselves.

But what if we don't love ourselves??

If I spoke to other people the way I speak to myself, I would have no friends, and lots of hurt feelings directed at me.

So why is it okay to treat myself like dirt???

Spoiler Alert: IT'S NOT

I've always endeavored to live by the golden rule, but now it needs flipped.

"Do unto yourself as you would do unto others."

I'm all about love notes for others, so here's one for me.

Dear Natalie,

I love you because you have chosen to be brave and strong. I love you because you're fighting instead of cowering to your inner demons. I love you because you're keeping your promises, even though it's really hard. I love you because you're humble enough to get help, and teachable enough to internalize what you're taught. I love you because when you ache, you accept God's invitations to serve others. I love you because you are a daughter of God who is priceless, worth fighting for, and YES, absolutely deserving of love.

Love,
Natalie

Living My Truth

 We don't always have a say in the hand we're dealt.

But the next play made is our call.

Sometimes it doesn't feel that way. 

When I first got help for my panic attacks, the therapist taught me this:

"It feels like you can't control whether or not you breathe, but you can."

Sometimes it takes longer than I'd like, but I always find a way to keep breathing.

And that's what makes me who I am.

Not the fact that I couldn't breathe in the first place.

It's terrifying how true this one is. 

I can be completely fine, and then get caught up in a memory from YEARS ago that sets me aching and/or panicking. 

The trick is to realize that there is not a dang thing I can do about the existence of that memory from my past. 

But I have all the control over the power it has over my present and future.

I have a really hard time with this. 

I don't want to be perceived as "needy," or "emotionally high maintenance." 

But if I think critically about this:

Need 1 exists.

It's not something I can take care of on my own.

I don't want to come off as needy.

I say nothing about Need 1.

Because Need 1 was not met,  needs 2, 3 and 4 make their appearances.

So in the long run, not voicing and taking care of my needs just makes me more needy and high-maintenance.

Anxiety and depression exist on a continuum.

At one end, you have the basic feelings that contribute to the average human experience.

It then extends to represent completely debilitating life long conditions.

It's a natural human response to be sad and/or anxious sometimes.

We all have moments.

We all feel stuck sometimes. 

Sometimes we dance around on the continuum.

The severity and longevity of our feelings change, but we're always somewhere on that line.

I'm not the same person I was 3.5 years ago, when this whole party got started.
The changes that the Savior and I have wrought in me do not negate the pain and hardship I've been through.
What's happened is this:
I've filled my "tool box."
I now have everything I need to be the one running the show.
And that's pretty great.

One Choice at a Time

Say what you will about BYU-I, this place has been all kinds of good for me.

One of the many blessings I've received from going here is free therapy.

I've been seeing Brudda Hman for about a month now and let me just say, this guy is exactly who I need right now. 

My personal opinion is that the best therapists don't try to change you.

The very best ones simply hold the space and act as a guide for you to do your work and change yourself.

Brudda Hman does that.

Something I love that he does is he'll be mid sentence and then say:

"No, the spirit is telling me to rephrase that."

So he does and what he ends up saying is always exactly what I need to hear.

I'm so grateful that homey is worthy to receive and listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Each week I've met with him, he's taught me something new and given me something to practice:

Week 1: I am powerless. And that's okay. I get to make choices.

I'm a control freak.

Anyone who knows me personally is, I'm sure, super shocked to hear that news.

*wink wink, nod nod*

There are things in my life that I can't control.

Correction: There are A LOT of things in my life that I can't control.

There are lots of moments when I have to remind myself that I'm powerless.

But the important part of this is what comes next:

AND IT'S OKAY. 

It's okay! 

Really! 

Why?

I get to make choices. 

All I have to do is make the best choice possible, take a deep breath and carry one.

Which, real talk, is much easier said than done.

Some days, I literally have to take it one choice at a time.

"Okay, I choose to open my eyes even though I don't feel ready to face today."

"Great! Now I choose to skim through Instagram so that I can wake up."

"Excellent, now I choose to get out of bed."

One choice at a time.

That's how I make it through my hardest days.