Huzzah!

I've oft likened my journey over the past 18 months unto that of a roller coaster. For several weeks in a row I felt like I was coasting on an endless low point. I was having almost the same amount of panic attacks as I did on the mission. (Fun fact: I deal with them much quicker and more effectively than I did then.) But I was in a constant schlump, punctuated by despair and panic. Not the ish. Not at all.

Something had to give.

It became apparent that I needed to make a change. As far as I could tell, there were two choices:

1. Get back on psych meds
2. Start working out consistently again

I was not jazzed. Don't get me wrong, for some humans, their "small and simple thing that makes great things come to pass" is a bottle of pills prescribed by someone who knows their ish. But I went that route for 8 months and all I got was horrible side effects that made my life harder.

So Mr. T and I decided that I should try to improve my self-care first and see if that made a difference.

DID IT EVER.

After only a week and a half of exercising for 30 minutes a day to the point of sweating (that part is crucial) 5 times a week, I went  from several panic attacks a day to a few a week.

HUZZAH!!!

Now whether or not this change can be attributed to the physiological effects of exercise or the effects of making and keeping a commitment to myself, I'm not sure. Probably a combination of both.

Change is a funny thing. It comes fast, slow, suddenly, over time...but it always comes.

That used to terrify me.

Now it gives me hope.

Something Beautiful

One of the greatest things about therapy is that something that is complete common sense for every other human, can manifest itself  as an "AHA Moment!" just for you.

 

This happened to me recently.

Guess what I discovered?

 

One action doesn't define me.

 

What?????

It's true!

Just because I did one thing that may be considered "crazy."

Does NOT mean that I am crazy.

There's more to me than those 5 minutes last December when I cut my hair.

That's not me.

 

I'm so blessed to have so many experiences and memories that make up the patchwork quilt of my life.

But each experience is just one little square of fabric.

And when I look at all of them put together...

They make something beautiful.

I Believe

Today Pandora bestowed a gift upon me.

In the form of a song of course.

Christina Perri has always been my homegirl, but today I literally felt like she was singing my life.

So without further ado...

I Believe by Christina Perri

Interpreting the Life of Natalie Lewis

I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
 

When I was in 6th grade, my sister started teaching me a profound lesson that I am still learning to this day. "What people think of you doesn't matter, only what God thinks and what you think of yourself." Over the past few years, this has especially come in handy. I don't have to lay down and take the abuse that people try to dish out. I don't have to sucker punch them either. That's the beauty of it. 

I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
 

I look back at things I really wanted. I see now that I won't get them.

And I am so grateful.

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: one of the threeish perks of getting sick has been the comfort and validation I've been able to give others. I can look at someone who is basically feeling the same way I was 18 months ago and remind them there is hope.

 I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty
 

Take my hair as an object lesson for this one. The trials we face, the battle scars we obtain, shape us and give depth to our inner and outer beauty.

 I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay
 

There is NOTHING wrong with having a bad day. You do not need to feel guilty for feeling sad. Just take it one day, or hour, or minute at a time. Ride the wave, you'll end up on the beach eventually.

You Have the Answers

 

 

Once upon a time, I was feeling horrid.

I walked into therapy and told Mr. T that I wanted to die.

We tried talking about what was bothering me but I just couldn't express it.

I was starting to shut down, and Mr. T knew it.

So we took a different approach.

 

What I'm about to describe is called "somatic experiencing."

It sounds really weird, (and it kinda is) but it works.

Quite simply, you just walk through an experience in your mind and then your body reaps the benefits.

At least that's how it's been for me.

 

Mr. T talked me through it. I closed my eyes and he had me picture the me I'd be in a few months. I just watched her for awhile. Then I went to meet "me" in five years. Dang that girl is neat. I observed her for awhile. Then we had a nice chit-chat. I asked her some questions, she gave me a hug and assured me that I'd make it-she would know! Afterwards, I went back and talked to "me" in a few months and let her know what she needed to know.

 

By the time I opened my eyes, the pain in my chest was gone.

I had answers.

And they came from ME!

 

It was a very empowering feeling, one that I've worked hard not to lose.

YOU are the best person to get answers for YOU.

Sometimes we need guidance, someone to "hold the space for us," but never underestimate the power that YOU have.

Dang it! Be NICE!

Fun Fact: Messages written from old trauma determine the way we see current trauma.

Mr. T and I are currently working our way through my trauma egg (basically it's a big oval filled with pictures that represents past experiences) and as I tell each story, we determine what I learned-positive and negative-from that experience. 

So we started today's session by talking about my most current issue: losing my job. 

The big problem with that was the messages that were being written in my mind.

When we got into the trauma egg, I realized that messages written in my head at say..age 10 are still alive and well, effecting the way I view myself and operate today. 

We have to be SO CAREFUL about how we talk to ourselves. One destructive thought breeds another, which breeds another and makes us downright miserable.

WHO EVEN WANTS THAT??

#notthisguy

Chalk It Up

I bought a new nightgown tonight. So obviously I can't go to bed until it's clean and I can wear it to Dreamland. To kill the time I redid my chalk board. Poured some water onto some dirty laundry and scrubbed that thing till it was a clean slate. Then it was time to create again. Gosh I love that.

Everything on the board is a  lesson that I've learned/am learning/want to learn.

*The key to success is learning to be comfortable with discomfort.

I learned this one in the month of June while I rigorously endeavored to shift my work performance from the mediocre ----> poor range, to FREAKING exceptional. I don't ever go into work now, thinking it's going to be an easy day. I look at every single task as an achievable obstacle, one I really have to stretch for. "There's no growth in a comfort zone and there's no comfort in a growth zone."

*The phrase "I can't live without him" is TOTAL BS. You may not be as happy for a time, but gosh dangit you'll survive!" (This of course does not apply to us and Jesus, or to sweet old couples that have been together since dinosaurs roamed the earth.)

Literality is not a bad thing. It's actually quite healthy to use precise language. 

*You would never call another human "fat, ugly, unloveable, crazy, retarded," so why would you say that to yourself?

Learning to be my own friend is something I'm still working on. If I treated my friends the way I treat myself sometimes, not only would I be friendless, but someone would probs have already busted a cap in my face. An extra bonus is that once we're able to love and care for ourselves, our capacity to do so for others increases exponentially.

*All you really HAVE to do is keep breathing. Everything else is your choice.

Had this concept introduced to me in group this week. If I really wanted to, I could literally sit still all day, not eat, poop my pants, do NADA. Yes, there would be huge consequences, but I really don't HAVE to do anything. When I do something besides survive, it's my choice and I should treat is as such. Why would I grumble and have cheese and whine about something I chose??

*Someone's watching over you.

I've always known this one. But it gets reintroduced to me every single day.

*According to your faith, you will be made whole.

It's all over the scriptures, so it must apply to me.

*That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

See "The Fault in Our Stars" for further explanation.

*God will give you more than you can bear. He'll give you enough tribulation so that letting Him bear it will be your only option.

This concept, gleaned from a truly inspired blog post, revolutionized the way I look at trials.

Learned Things I Have

*Attitude either kills you or gives your wings.

*Like..I've always known I can do hard things...but guys...I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

*It's okay to sit in a pile of crap for a second before you rush off to try to fix it.

*Running away does ZERO good for any situation.

*It's okay to acknowledge your limitations. I LITERALLY cannot be perky ALL THE TIME. So I made a deal with my boss, I'm allowed to be grumpy for the first half hour of my work day. (Barely anyone else is in the office and I'm not dealing with customers yet.) SO IT WORKS.

*You have to figure out what works for you.

*Once you've done that, you HAVE to clue other humans in to what you need. Despite what you may think, no one can actually read your mind.

*Control and responsibility are like Siamese twins, you can't get one without the other. (And if you try, you'll probs kill them both.)

*Anxiety is a disorder of avoidance. So now when I feel anxious, I take a quick inventory, "What are you avoiding home girl???" Then I decide whether or not it's possible to stop avoiding it. This has been a very new and rewarding concept for me.

#gamechangers