WARNING: MAY NOT MAKE SENSE

It's 3 am. I need to be expressive. There are a lot of people who've told me I could call them in the middle of the night. But this isn't exactly an emergency...not "wake someone up at 3 am emergency." You see....

I'm happy.

Too happy.

It's making me really really anxious, how good I feel.

So how can I call and wake someone up and have this conversation:

"What's wrong?"
"I'm happy!"

Yeah. Sooooo not happening. But I have learned that writing the blog can have the same effect as expressing myself via conversation.

So here goes:

Reasons I Feel Good
-I had my psychology class tonight. LOVE IT.
-The two main characters on my show have finally gotten together.
-I'm excited about the outfit I have picked out for tomorrow.
-I didn't spend all day writhing in emotional pain.

Possible Explanations for this Unprecedented Bout of Anxiety:
-Fear of the good times ending.
-Trying to navigate uncharted waters. Maybe I'm just anxious because I'm out of my comfort zone. Feeling crappy is what I'm used to.
-I don't feel like myself when I'm like this.

Anyone whose never experienced this feeling is going to be baffled by it...but I have the feeling that I'm not the first person in the world to feel this way.

So neither are you.

Crazy Talk

Tonight as I attempted to swim my troubles away at the gym, I decided to take a page out of Rhianna's book by befriending the monster under my bed and try to get along with the voices inside of my head. Here's what we came up with:

Ralph: Why are we going off meds?
Me: Cause they're not working.
Ralph: But we like popping pills.
Me: Yeah, so??
Ralph: We like it, therefore it's good for us.
Me: Your logic is so twisted.
Ralph: Yeah, so??
Me: We're going drugless Ralph!
Ralph: Here's an idea! Why don't we go out with a bang and take all the stuff we have left over from the last 9 months.
Me: You have the WORST ideas ever. How do we even coexist???

Me: Rosie, how ya doin hon?
Rosie: I miss <insert name here>
Me: Me too dolly, me too.
Rosie: Can't we just talk to them?
Me: Nope, not right now.
Rose: But talking to people we love makes us happy and you say that we should do things that make us happy!!!!!
Me: We have to think about what will make us happy in the long run Rosie dear. And we especially have to think about what's best for <insert name here> You want them to be happy right???
Rosie: YES!
Me: Well that's settled then.

Rain: Dang girl we're doing gooooood!
Me: Yeah?
Rain: Are you serious?? Do you not realize all the positive changes you're making?? We've been off junk and fast food for almost two weeks and we work out every day!
Me: That's true.
Rain: And that's not even mentioning how long we've kept our room clean, or how we haven't let Ralph talk us into hurting ourself!
Me: Huh. Maybe you're right.
Rain: I'm not done yet! You went to a party last night, WITHOUT fake hair, got yourself back in school and didn't even stress out when you got unenrolled due to circumstances outside our control.
Me: Okay okay I get it. I'm definitely headed in the right direction. But...
Rain: But what???
Me: I'm not perfect at any of those things. I make mistakes all the time.
Rain: Ohhhhh come on sister. Once upon a time, you would make a mistake once and then completely give up on the whole endeavor. This is the longest you've ever stuck with healthy habits and I am so proud of you!
Me: You do realize it's only going to get harder from here right? Coming off the meds entirely is going to be a real nightmare.
Rain: I know. But we're ready.
Me: Why are you always right?
Rain: Cause I'm a smarter version of you!

Low lows rear their ugly faces, but let me tell you:
The highs just keep getting higher my friends.

Rewrite

Having a panic disorder doesn't just mean that I have panic attacks. Another really fun (read: sarcasm) side effect is that my ability to deal with difficult situations is greatly diminished. Combine this with the psych med I was on (other people have done crazy things on it) and it's pretty much a bomb just waiting for a spark.

My bomb got a spark.
One I was not expecting.

And I shaved my head.

Talk about a wake up call.
This episode refocused me like nothing else could. I got back to work on myself.

Miss Cathy and I identified the core beliefs I had about myself that were not, and are not, true.

They were fraught with cognitive distortions. So I rewrote them. I was then left with several factual statements that helped me understand myself better.

Examples:

False Fact: I'm crazy.
True Fact: I'm exuberant.

Falsity: I'm worthless without romantic love.
Truth: Heavenly Father loves me, I'm priceless in His eyes, no matter what. His love is unconditional.

BS: I'm afraid of pain, it's always going to be that way.
Truth: Courage is not the absence of fear. It's the belief that something else is more important than fear. Pain helps me grow. Growth is more important than fear.
Miss Kathy: Do you believe  that?
Me: Of course I do! It has a Princess Diaries quote in it!

Slowly but surely, I'm making these truths, and others like them, part of my thinking and belief system.

They come in handy when I need to talk to myself.

Last night I was anticipating another spark. One that, had it come a week previously, would've caused another explosion of mass proportions.

But I'd changed a lot that week.

So as I waited for the spark, I had a little chat with myself.

"We may be getting some bad news pretty soon. If it happens, we are going. to.be. fine. It will not be cause for another break down. We will not hurt ourselves. We'll be hurting enough. But it will be okay. This is not going to change the way we view ourselves. It will not change our beliefs about the world around us. We will grieve, put on a brave face and go on. Or...we may be worrying for nothing, and the news won't be bad after all."

The news was bad.

It did not cause a catastrophe.

It caused a lot of tears. No worries there, crying is an excellent release.

I won't lie. I'm proud of myself. This event is evidence of real growth. Just a small glimpse of the greatness that is to come.

That, my friends, is why it pays to talk to yourself. And not just to talk, but to be open and honest. Run your thoughts about yourself by someone who truly cares about you, and find out if they're really true.

If not, it's time for a serious rewrite.