Change the Channel

As a teenager I started to have really weird thoughts that made me question who I was as a person. A very trusted advisor told me that my mind was like a stage and I got to choose which actors I allowed on the stage. This advice served me well for a very long time.

But just recently I've found a metaphor that works even better for me. My brain is like a TV. I don't always get to choose what comes on, but I do have the power to change the channel.

This has been very important for me because I have a tendency to beat myself up about the crazy thoughts that sometimes come into my mind. But, just like daytime TV I don't control the programming. Just what I watch.

So if you're like me and you feel guilty for thinking weird or upsetting things, remember it's not your fault.

Just change the channel.

Which may be easier said than done. But keep that mental remote control handy. Have something uplifting in the DVR ready to go.

And most importantly remember that what's on TV doesn't make you who you are, it's what you choose to watch.

selfishness vs self-indulgence vs self-care

I've been working on what these terms mean for me personally, for quite awhile.

Recently, I had to do something incredibly difficult that was also excruciatingly painful. The kind of pain that has the power to physically knock you over. But I'm holding onto the belief that in the long run, what I did was best.

This situation got me thinking about selfishness. Was I being selfish as I made my decision?

The official definition of the word selfish is:

"Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own profit or pleasure."

So basically, is it all about me? In this case, the answer is a resounding no.

My hope is that I'll remember that as I continue to make peace with my decisions.

Another distinction I've had to learn to understand is self-indulgence vs self-care.

To indulge is to: "allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of."

To care for is to: "provide the  provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person or thing"

When I was first introduced to self-care, I often got the two mixed up. Sometimes I still do so, humorously:

"I've had a rough day so I'm going to eat this entire pint of ice cream and binge watch Bones. #selfcare"

But what I've come to learn is that proper self-care is similar to  exceptional parenting.

Really great parents:
1. Meet and fulfill needs
2. Assess and manage wants
3. Ensure health and safety-sometimes through restrictions and constraints

When caring for ourselves we do the same:
1. Meet our needs physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually.
2. Decide which wants are actually necessary. (Self-indulgence means giving into all the wants "for your own good."
3. Make sure we are healthy and safe by making smart decisions.

Here's an example of this:

A few years ago, I took myself to Disneyland. After the first day at the park I was very sore and fussy. In addition, the park was at full capacity and I thought I was going to die. So I took myself to the beach.

It was beautiful.

As the sun started to set, I thought to myself, "I should probably get going." Part of me, however, really wanted to stay at the beach. But, just as a good parent would have, I told myself that it was safest and in my best interest to head back to the house.

You see? I wanted to indulge in more time at the beach, but I practiced care by leaving to ensure my safety.

I'm still figuring this all out obviously. But the more I do, the  more I see the necessity for it. 

Why?

Taking care of me is not selfish.

I'm important.

I deserve love.

I deserve self-care.

And so do you.

So That's Where We're At

I hurt. 

I ache.

You know what's the worst?

When you have these deep-rooted {untrue} beliefs about yourself, implanted ever so firmly in your brain, AND THEN

something happens that confirms those beliefs!

So not only are you dealing with the pain of the situation.

You're also filled with these feelings of dread, weakness, and insecurity.

Because all the negative things you've thought about yourself have now been confirmed.

Right?

Wrong.

But it isn't easy to convince yourself of that. 

So where to begin?

Learn what you can trust and believe.

I can't always trust my thoughts.

But I can trust my roommate when she disproves my beliefs.

I can trust my best friend when she tells me that I'm not crazy.

I can trust that my brother Jesus Christ loves me perfectly. 

I can trust that I'm a daughter of God, and He doesn't make mistakes. 

I Don't Believe in Coincidences

It's been a really rough week.
Physically.
Academically.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Tonight I was feeling especially horrible.
Like I couldn't do anything right and trying was just too hard.

I almost elected to go home and bum around.
But I stuck to the original plan and went to Battle of the Dance with  Banana Crust.
At one point, a girl came on stage to introduce her dance and told us her story.

She had to come home early from her mission.
Because of anxiety.
Depression.
And panic attacks.
Her name was Natalie.

Natalie turned to dance to help her heal.
The routine she performed was meant to demonstrate that beauty can come from pain.
It was absolutely beautiful.
I cried the whole time.
And enthusiastically joined more than half of the auditorium in giving her a much deserved standing ovation.

This was such a gift.
I left that auditorium feeling completely different than I did when I walked in.
I could function again.
I felt loved, valued, and known.

Miracles have not ceased.
Not in my life.
Not in yours.

Good Company

Tonight I am truly amazed.

I'm amazed by the amount and variety of triggers I experience.

Generally speaking, my triggers are physical or emotional pain, some social situations, and feeling a lack of control. These are pretty broad and can be broken down into endless facets. Take tonight's triggers for example:

*A small, constant pain in my side.*

*Not receiving things I didn't ask for from people I shouldn't be asking in the first place.*

*Being unable to find a marker cap.*

*Placing my face in the duvet and smelling someone from my past.*

One nice thing about this is the fact that I can pinpoint each trigger. Once upon a time, that was a virtual impossibility. If I can't stop myself from feeling crappy, at least I can know why I'm feeling crappy.

This blog started out as hardcore therapy for me. Anytime I felt severely anxious, depressed, or unsettled, I wrote. Over the years, it's evolved into a place where I share the things I've learned in an effort to buoy up not only  myself but others who face their own demons. Even if it's just a venting post, I try to teach something, to bring some small measure of hope.

Tonight however,  the best I can do is to say that if you feel crappy, overwhelmed, and a little bit crazy right now.....you're in good company.

I Have

Do you know what it's like to feel trapped inside your own head?
Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and not recognize the face you see?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from the world around you?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from yourself?

I do.
It's freaking terrifying.

Do you have a hard time enjoying the good times because you know they won't last?
Do you expect and welcome misery when it inevitably comes?
Do you have a hard time trusting others with your pain?
Do you worry that you'll wear them out and they'll (justifiably) give up on you?
Do you find yourself wanting to push their limits, test them, to find out if they'll abandon you?

I do.
It's incredibly lonely.

Do you know how hard it is to choose hope instead of reveling in despair?
Do you know how hard it is to choose action rather than reaction?
Do you know how hard it is to know what you should do to help yourself, but not have the desire or energy to do that thing?
Do you know how hard it is to let go of those things that held you together for so long, though you always knew they were only a temporary solution?

I do.
It seems impossible.

Do you ever feel like you've failed the people who love you most?
Do you ever feel like your struggles aren't real or valid because they aren't "as bad" as someone else's?
Do you ever feel like there is nowhere to turn?
Do you ever feel like your pain will never end?

I do.
It makes me feel hopeless.

Have you asked God to send His angels to attend you?
Have you asked Him to remove the darkness that surrounds you?
Have you ever screamed, "I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING" in place of a prayer?
Have you gotten in the daily habit of asking to be made whole?

I have.
And that's how I keep going.

A Love Letter to Me

It's a rough night.
It's been a rough week.
Month.
Semester.

In an attempt to process some feelings, I started working on a writing assignment given to me by my new therapist.

There are 5 categories. You start by expressing your feelings of:

1. anger and blame
2. hurt and sadness
3. fear, insecurity and loneliness
4. guilt and responsibility
5. love, forgiveness, understanding and desire

If at any point you feel emotions from a previous category, you go back up and let it all out, working down to the bottom.

What was cool is that when I got to that last level, one of the prompts was:

"I love you because..."

And I felt strongly that I needed to direct that part to me.

Jesus taught us to love others as we love ourselves.

But what if we don't love ourselves??

If I spoke to other people the way I speak to myself, I would have no friends, and lots of hurt feelings directed at me.

So why is it okay to treat myself like dirt???

Spoiler Alert: IT'S NOT

I've always endeavored to live by the golden rule, but now it needs flipped.

"Do unto yourself as you would do unto others."

I'm all about love notes for others, so here's one for me.

Dear Natalie,

I love you because you have chosen to be brave and strong. I love you because you're fighting instead of cowering to your inner demons. I love you because you're keeping your promises, even though it's really hard. I love you because you're humble enough to get help, and teachable enough to internalize what you're taught. I love you because when you ache, you accept God's invitations to serve others. I love you because you are a daughter of God who is priceless, worth fighting for, and YES, absolutely deserving of love.

Love,
Natalie