Good Company

Tonight I am truly amazed.

I'm amazed by the amount and variety of triggers I experience.

Generally speaking, my triggers are physical or emotional pain, some social situations, and feeling a lack of control. These are pretty broad and can be broken down into endless facets. Take tonight's triggers for example:

*A small, constant pain in my side.*

*Not receiving things I didn't ask for from people I shouldn't be asking in the first place.*

*Being unable to find a marker cap.*

*Placing my face in the duvet and smelling someone from my past.*

One nice thing about this is the fact that I can pinpoint each trigger. Once upon a time, that was a virtual impossibility. If I can't stop myself from feeling crappy, at least I can know why I'm feeling crappy.

This blog started out as hardcore therapy for me. Anytime I felt severely anxious, depressed, or unsettled, I wrote. Over the years, it's evolved into a place where I share the things I've learned in an effort to buoy up not only  myself but others who face their own demons. Even if it's just a venting post, I try to teach something, to bring some small measure of hope.

Tonight however,  the best I can do is to say that if you feel crappy, overwhelmed, and a little bit crazy right now.....you're in good company.

I Have

Do you know what it's like to feel trapped inside your own head?
Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and not recognize the face you see?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from the world around you?
Do you know what it's like to feel removed from yourself?

I do.
It's freaking terrifying.

Do you have a hard time enjoying the good times because you know they won't last?
Do you expect and welcome misery when it inevitably comes?
Do you have a hard time trusting others with your pain?
Do you worry that you'll wear them out and they'll (justifiably) give up on you?
Do you find yourself wanting to push their limits, test them, to find out if they'll abandon you?

I do.
It's incredibly lonely.

Do you know how hard it is to choose hope instead of reveling in despair?
Do you know how hard it is to choose action rather than reaction?
Do you know how hard it is to know what you should do to help yourself, but not have the desire or energy to do that thing?
Do you know how hard it is to let go of those things that held you together for so long, though you always knew they were only a temporary solution?

I do.
It seems impossible.

Do you ever feel like you've failed the people who love you most?
Do you ever feel like your struggles aren't real or valid because they aren't "as bad" as someone else's?
Do you ever feel like there is nowhere to turn?
Do you ever feel like your pain will never end?

I do.
It makes me feel hopeless.

Have you asked God to send His angels to attend you?
Have you asked Him to remove the darkness that surrounds you?
Have you ever screamed, "I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING" in place of a prayer?
Have you gotten in the daily habit of asking to be made whole?

I have.
And that's how I keep going.