Learned Things I Have

*Attitude either kills you or gives your wings.

*Like..I've always known I can do hard things...but guys...I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

*It's okay to sit in a pile of crap for a second before you rush off to try to fix it.

*Running away does ZERO good for any situation.

*It's okay to acknowledge your limitations. I LITERALLY cannot be perky ALL THE TIME. So I made a deal with my boss, I'm allowed to be grumpy for the first half hour of my work day. (Barely anyone else is in the office and I'm not dealing with customers yet.) SO IT WORKS.

*You have to figure out what works for you.

*Once you've done that, you HAVE to clue other humans in to what you need. Despite what you may think, no one can actually read your mind.

*Control and responsibility are like Siamese twins, you can't get one without the other. (And if you try, you'll probs kill them both.)

*Anxiety is a disorder of avoidance. So now when I feel anxious, I take a quick inventory, "What are you avoiding home girl???" Then I decide whether or not it's possible to stop avoiding it. This has been a very new and rewarding concept for me.

#gamechangers

Your Voice Will Set You Free

I started working with a new therapist about a month ago.

He's great.

Good crud is happening. 

I'm a fan.

We had a major breakthrough yesterday.

Fun Fact: When you hold on to pain and hurt within a relationship, you begin to subconsciously start disassociating from that person. Mr. T (my therapist) noticed that this was happening with someone who plays a very crucial part in my life. Every time Mr. T brought up this human, my face would change, he could see the wall go up. 

So when Mr. T told me yesterday that he was going to take on the role of that person so I could speak my feelings....I was not pleased. Like I can't remember ever wanting to do something a therapist suggested less than I did at this point...but my oh my did it pay off.

I started off stoically, my sentences clipped and emotionless. But Mr. T was amazingly convincing and he said something that REALLY set me off. I burst into tears and started yelling. 

I started EXPRESSING myself.

You: Natalie, you express yourself all the time.

Me: Not on this particular topic and never directly to this person.

You: Well it wasn't technically direct...

Me: It might as well have been considering how helpful it was.

I'd been suppressing thoughts and feelings for so long that they exploded out of me like a volcano. I was finally able to say things that had been plaguing me for years. All that raw, pent up energy was able to be released.

And I felt such relief.

When Mr. T became Mr. T again, we had a really nice chat about why those thoughts and feelings were such a struggle and it occurred to me...I was judging myself. I thought it was wrong of me to feel the way I did.

Fun Fact: With feelings, there's no "right" or "wrong." It's just how you feel. You can't really control it, so the best way to go is to accept and even validate your feelings.

It's not about blaming, it's about acknowledging.

The second we acknowledge how we're feeling and allow ourselves to have a voice, we're able to taste a little bit of that intoxicating and exhilarating feeling that we all seek...

Freedom.